Our Open Marriage

This is a page dedicated to our open marriage, and helping other understand us.

Genesis

Why did you feel the need to open your marriage?

The way this question is framed doesn’t quite fit. By asking it this way, there is an implication the we lived in monogamy-land our whole lives and picked up and moved to Openstan one day. This has really been (and still is) an evolution.

We had, while we were dating, made the first steps in that direction in the BDSM world when I encouraged her to pursue a female dominant. The search ultimately fizzled, until we happened to stumble into a really unique and perfect person who fit that role. Although we weren’t looking at that point, our minds were open.

From there it just grew to where we felt comfortable with more and more things. Now, it is more an issue of what do we call ourselves, rather than what we are. (We hate the term “swingers.”)

What were your main reasons for opening up your marriage? Simply to have some sexual variety or is it more philosophical than that?

Again, the way this question is phrased there is this idea of “we were this, and one day we transmogrified into that.” I liken it a bit to asking a gay person when they decided to like their own gender instead of the opposite.

The evolution is best thought of in terms of our relationship, rather than our marriage. The marriage is really a milestone in the growth of our relationship, rather than a change. And, it was our wedding that marked the day we began pursuing couples to play with together. (Actually Mina first brought it up within a week of the “I do’s”)

To some extent, it’s always been our nature to flirt it up. While early on, when we were still learning to be together, this caused a lot of friction. Later, as we developed the emotional understanding and security in our place in each other lives, we became more comfortable with greater contact with others, and aroused by it. I’m fact, I often think that my arousal was the a large part of why the discomfort was so strong early on.

Today we are still evolving as situations arise, affect us, and help us grow.

Exodus

What was your biggest hurdle to overcome when you decided you could share each other with others?

It actually worked the opposite way: I overcame the hurdle so I could make the decision. Deciding to do something and then “be okay” with it is pretty tough. I had to reach the point where the thought turned me on before I gave the green light.

That said, what had to happen was a light had to come on at a subconscious level that she was mine, and that I would always have her. Once that emotional security was in place, everything else became much easier.

—

Jealousy, jealousy was my biggest hurdle.

As time has passed and our relationship has grown, I have grown past the jealousy. I get proud of myself when we explore things with other women and I don’t get jealous. I pretty much have to feel non threatened when a woman comes into the picture and my husband is the one who has to make sure that happens. He does this by being open and honest about how he feels about these women and who these women are. Of course, when the right people come into our lives, it just feels right and jealousy is never an issue.

Getting over my jealousy has been a huge accomplishment. It makes me happy. It’s proof that he and I have grown together and gotten closer. I’ve grown quite comfortable with the thought of women having him without me involved. So far all of our interactions with other people have been with both of us present. It’s come to the point where I realize I am not going to be sexually attracted to every woman who comes into our lives and I don’t want to deny him an experience with her simply because I am not attracted to her.

These days, the only jealousy I come across is when I see him making connections and chatting it up and my inbox and IMs are chirping crickets. But that has nothing to do with jealousy of him being with others, it’s just wishing I had the same going on on my end :) It’s harmless non drama jealousy.

Leviticus

Is your marriage simply and open one or is there a polyamory component to it?

(June 14, 2010) At the moment, it is simply open, although we are definitely open to polyamory should a suitable person come into our lives. We don’t generally look for that, though. We believe that it would result in a lot of things feeling forced.

( July 21, 2011) From a rules perspective, it’s open. We are “free to fuck” as we wish. However, we have both realized that our nature is more more polyamorous than simply free-range fuckers. For instance, we are both allowed to hop in bed should an opportunity arise without notifying first. Having said all that…it’s just not our thing. We are both people who want to care about the people we are with. So, our tendency is to seek polyamorous relationships.

Were there ever any jealousy issues?

Not in the time, we’ve been open. Sometimes it’s a bummer when one person is getting more attention than the other, but that is not the sort of corrosive jealousy you’re probably thinking of.

The issues we do have tend to center on communication. I am a chronic undersharer, and tend not to put the information out there as well as I should.

Do you have boundaries and restrictions when either of you is with another person? Certain things that you save just for each other?

Not as such, no. For instance, there is no proscription against kissing or anal, nor anything that we explicitly reserve for ourselves. What tends to happen, though, is that there are certain things that only feel appropriate with each other. Cuddling is high on that list, but there have been others we cuddled with, because we had that sort of connection. But we haven’t roped off any zones, as yet.

(July 21, 2011) Unprotected sex has come up. That is a definite primary-only activity. Somehow there is something extra intimate about that.

This may tie in with boundaries question. I believe I’ve read you two play separately. Are each of you ok with the other playing solo while you are still in the house? Or do you generally try not to be there while play is going on that you arent in?

This is a question we haven’t really tested yet. So far, when one of us has been playing and the other not, the other has still been in the room. There have been cases with couples where we went to different bedrooms to do our thing, and there was a case recently where were planning for me to play and Mina was going to stay downstairs.

Honestly, I’m not sure how often that situation will arise in the future. Keep in mind that we are dealing with a real person, and they might feel uncomfortable, too! I just don’t see myself wanting to construct a lot of situations where I have a personal plaything over while Mina is there.

Would you feel happy with Sylvanus playing with people while out of the country?

Admittedly, it would be a little hard on days that I miss him most and am feeling very lonely. I’m only human.

Would I be ok with it? Yes, as long as he’s open and honest about it. If he comes home and then admits to having something on the side, it would save me from being lonely and thinking about it while he is there, but I would feel betrayed by his dishonesty once he is home.

I don’t think I will feel as lonely this time as we have made a few more friends. I’m sure he would feel a little lonely if I were playing with someone while he was gone as well and he wasn’t doing the same.

I think that is why we have only played with other people together so far. No one has to feel left out of an experience.

—

For my part, I don’t see this coming up. Last time i was out of country, not having Mina there made me want Mina more than anything. The experience of being apart makes me want to be with her, not with another woman. While i would want her to have someone here while i’m overseas, i haven’t found myself really wanting someone else.

As a side note, while in Europe, i generally stay at a bed-and-breakfast with a woman that reminds me of a Swiss version of my own grandmother, and i don’t really feel comfortable sharing y unconventional lifestyle through her thin walls.

What is off-limits?

Not much – it is a lot more about how you act than what you do. i like to say, “You can fuck my wife and call her a whore, but if you treat her like she’s stupid, i’ll kill you.” At the end of the conversation, you need to respect us. There are no physical acts that are reserved for us, there is nothing that’s banned. We do require condoms, of course. But, as long as you “get” us, the world is open to you.

Do you find yourself attracted to women that share characteristics of your wifes, or do you look for something different? I understand that you may base your decisions based on personality, that is always an aspect. Thank you.

My attraction to women is 90% a product of their personality. People who are literate, open, and unafraid of their sexuality for straight to the top of my list. As a rule, i don’t generally pattern people with my wife, in either direction. i try to take them as they are, and see where it goes from there.

One pleasant side effect of all this is that each person i meet tends to highlight one new thing about Mina that maybe i didn’t appreciate so much before, whether it’s how her body fits with mine, or she knows me just that bit better, or how she has that perfect personality for me (to wit: she doesn’t take any of my crap; but in a loving, positive way.)

Deuteronomy

Do you think monogamy is doomed to fail in most cases?

Not at all. Or, at least, I don’t think the failure of most relationships is due to monogamy. Making a failing monogamous relationship “open” is definitely NOT a cure.

To a larger point – I don’t think I’m qualified to say what any relationship “should” be, except my own. And in that case, I reserve the right to change that opinion at any time, as events unfold.

Has it made your marriage stronger?

Absolutely, though let’s not oversimplify this. What really, really helps the marriage is the amount of communication that goes on, that HAS to go on, with this kind of relationship.

The actual acts of sleeping with other people do, in their own way as well. It makes me more creative and affectionate in bed, and much happier to snuggle with her, and feel her body against me, knowing it’s my home.

Of course, if you’re not doing what you need to do on the communication front, then it will have a very opposite effect…

Can i ask any more questions?

Sure, just comment at the bottom.