A few years ago, when Patrick was the man in my life, I revealed to him my sexual blog, which I created due to his absence in my life. That part of my life is over now, and so I closed that chapter. Some of my best writing however, was transferred to my erotica blog.  I enjoyed writing and I enjoyed the extra attention it gave me. I also enjoyed reading what everyone else had to say. I was amazed by people’s stories. I became aware that I wanted some those stories to be my own.  I expressed this need to Patrick. Implied I wanted things a bit rougher. Tie me up and take me. Give my ass a spanking. Use that wooden spoon. My pleas became unanswered and eventually I left Patrick, seeking my happiness, and finding myself in Sylvanus’s arms.

So why this ramble? I started thinking about my time with Patrick. He accused me of being influenced by my blog reading. Had I not been reading blogs of that nature I would not be making these pleas. He had the audacity to say that these dark desires I was having, were fake. They weren’t really who I was. I was letting these blogs influence me.

These blogs did not change who I was. I did not become someone I wasn’t already supposed to be. I would have to say they awakened me. They stirred a desire within me and I became more comfortable at accepting it and embracing it. I just wasn’t with the right person to embrace them with.

-

Life has been busy these days…. weeks. I was away at that conference and upon my return to work, chaos commenced. I am still trying to put my feet down at work. The ground is just not stable right now. Master has also been busy with his own work. Projects have come up difficult, bosses have been ridiculous at times. Needless to say, we are both drained by the end of our workdays.

We have also added a new member to our family. She is a rescued shelter dog. She has completely changed our lives, as most dogs should. I am lucky enough to be able to take her to work with me everyday. (yeah my job is that cool). Our free time is filled with walks and playtime with the new girl.

Small are the moments of writing and reading. I no longer twitter like I used to. There just isn’t much time for social networking. I have enough on my plate. My IM usually goes for days now without being signed in and even when I am, I remain silent and allow others to engage me first.

-

It seems every time Master and I have a hold on our D/s dynamic, life throws us a curve ball.  Perhaps it’s because I am a “pot stirrer” as my psychologist from a few years ago said. I am never satisfied for too long. I eventually need something new in my life. I think it’s just a matter of me being a true Gemini. My nature makes me unable to settle to routine. I always need to change things up a bit.

I think that’s the beauty of living in a D/s relationship. Things are different. I never know what Master wants from me. Sometimes he wants to fuck me and use me till I am sore. Sometimes he wants me to suck his cock. Other times he wants to pleasure me, either by oral or just by a simple back massage.

But our D/s dynamic has curved again. Busy jobs, a new dog…. life has taken over. Things seem to be a bit vanilla. The Gemini in me wants more… I can feel my blood settle. I need to stir the pot once more, get things going.

-

Perhaps the reason why things have seemed to settle is also because my blog reads have gone down (though I have caught myself up again). So, I am back to thinking about Patrick once more and what he said. Reading blogs did not influence me to become someone I am not. However, they have inspired and awakened me. But not reading as much as I used to seems to be influencing how I feel lately. I am not feeling particularly sexual lately.

It is not sex that I need. I do not need to fuck my Master… I have a different need. I have this need to serve him once more as his submissive. I want to feel connected to him, as my Master once more. I want to please him. I want to do as I am told. Even if it is just to sit at his feet.

I am happy with my life with Master. I hope to spend the rest of it with him. My Gemini nature is rearing her playful  head. My blood is settling and the pot needs to be stirred. Inside a voice is screaming for release. It is time to be embraced once more. This voice needs to be heard.

Sometimes it’s just nice to lie and bed in be touched, not necessarily in that way. But that simple reassuring touch that makes you feel like everything you want to be. Like last night, as we lay in bed, neither one of us really ready to sleep, and her fingertips just settle on my chest, lazily drifting around. Her hand is there because she knows just what this touch means to me, in a way that no one else knows, or ever bothered to find out. And then, it is nice to know her so well in return that I can gently caress her back and her face, and make her feel the same way. And then we can cuddle in bed and drift away, her cool breath on my back just keeping me awake, and just enough to remind of what I am lucky enough to have in life.

I thought I’d share a snapshot from a sun bathing moment I had during my conference stay. Yup, white ass legs.. and they are still just as white. That was the only time I had to sun bathe.

We are animal lovers and thinking of getting a dog. Our question: how do dogs react to beatings? As in, when you are disciplining your submissive, does to dog react in a negative, mood-breaking way? Inquiring minds and all that…

I’ve been away for a week at a career based conference. In fact, I presented at this conference. What I do is unique in itself, but what I do is also different within my career circle.

I’m trying to make a name for myself. Trying to make people see the uniqueness and power of what I do. This has been a very successful conference, as far as networking and socializing are concerned.

And yet I feel unsettled…

It’s the switch. I hate the switch, What’s the switch? It’s what I realize I have as far as my submission goes. I do turn it on and off. Once it’s off, it’s hard to turn back on.

Before I left for the conference, there was no time for Master and I to make love. How can it be? The night before, I went out to a bachelorette party for a really good friend of mine. Though I did not come home particularly late and Master did pick me up, my last drink of the evening did me in. Role Play Friday was pushed aside as my aching feet needed relief and the alcohol swam in my head.

Master was good to me and took care of me. I slipped into an alcohol induced coma sleep. When I awoke in the morning, I felt ill. Again, Master took care of me. He let me rest as he ran my errands for me. When I awoke later, I felt much better, but now I needed to pack. I packed as quick as I could, but time was not on my side. By the time I finished packing, there wasn’t enough time for Master and I. We also still needed to have lunch.

This upset Master and myself. He cropped me before we left. It left me in tears, but not because of the sting of the crop, but because of the disappointment I felt that we could not connect physically before I left for my trip.

Once at the conference, I felt my submission slowly slip. Master was not there to enforce his Dominance. I felt my submission melt and my dominance emerge. My career took charge and my mind switched.  The conference was packed with presentations and site visits. My days were jam-packed from 7 am till after 7 pm.  Meanwhile, I was also putting the finishing touches on my presentation. I ran into many obstacles having to convert things for pc since I was on my wonderful Mac.

Tuesday night, Master made a special trip to visit me. I was returning from a site visit and threw myself into his arms. We made love that night.

Wednesday morning had me stressed and nervous. My presentation was approaching. Things went along just fine. I knew I was nervous for nothing. Master was there to watch and video the whole thing. We had lunch together with a group of my colleagues. Later that day, it was another site visit. Master had to stay behind as I left.

I returned after 9 that evening. Master surprised me. He drew up a bath for me and on his excursion to a local mall, he bought me a bath bomb, a new t-shirt and a bottle of lotion from Victoria’s Secret. Once bathed, he lathered lotion all over my body. My day was exhausting. He and I talked, but we found ourselves settling into the night very quickly. We fell asleep.

Thursday morning, we had breakfast together and parted ways. His short visit was over, but it was so good to see him. I returned home Saturday afternoon. As Master came to pick me up from the airport, I was chatting with a colleague who had the same flight as myself. As I wished her a safe trip home and placed myself in Master’s car, suddenly things changed.

I became aware of the submissive switch. My career was still heavy on my personality. I was still in “worker mina” mode. I didn’t know how to act.

The remainder of my weekend had me unsettled. It was and continues to be difficult to switch. But there lies the problem. I don’t want there to be a switch! I want to be naturally submissive and yet dominating in my field. I find that when I have a taste of my independence, it becomes extremely difficult for me to embrace being submissive once more. I lose that drive to ask for permission for everything. I still continue to want to please my Master, but my submission fails me.

Why has this happened? Distance, for sure played a key part. Dominance was another factor. Master was not hard on me when he visited. It would have been a little difficult for me to handle with the pressures of my presentation. Or would it have been?

Now I am home and back to work. I feel my submission slowly coming back to me. I guess I am a little disappointed to see that it still is very much a switch in me. That I still turn it on and off. I want it to be more of a part of me than it seems to be. It seems Master has been better able to embrace his Dominance than I have my own submission.

Perhaps it was all just because the cards weren’t dealt right. My period kept me from following through with orders that would have kept me aware of his ownership. The plan was, that I was supposed to have the smart balls inserted every day for at least 4 hours a day. My period had to end that act.

Some would say that Master has a wild one on his hands. Perhaps other Dominants would be thrilled to tame my strength. I know Master does not want to tame me. I don’t want to be tamed. It is my energy that drew him into me. I want to find that balance. Where I am very much the submissive to him and yet maintain my dominance in my career.

Perhaps Master needs to be harder on me.. perhaps he needs to break me?

I know I will find my peace one day …

One of the weird things about life here is that we only seem to get work done around the house when someone isn’t home. Mina accomplished most of the unpacking while I spent a weekend out of town, and I finally got around to the decorating when she was out of town last week. When I had finally set myself upon thicket of cardboard in the spare bedroom I found myself wading through a lot of her stuff that I had never really seen before. High school yearbooks, glossies from her modeling days, and many many animal figurines. And as I looked at this pile of so many scattered pieces that fit together in the shape of a life, I was overwhelmed with a sense of the gift I am given.

It’s easy to take for granted the people around you as they are. You take people as they come, but it is hard to appreciate what made them what they are, and what it took for them to become who they are today. But there, among all of her things, the tokens of another person’s memory collected in my house, I began to have a sense of everything I had in my life. And sitting there, in a pile of memories, I was baffled by a simple thought, an inability to comprehend how I could worthy of all of this. But then, that is my challenge every day I’m with her, to earn what she has given.

—

We have been quiet of late, since Mina has been out of town. She’s back now. So, we won’t be so quiet in the future.

I have been meaning to write this review for quite some time now. Rosebud has deserved a proper review. As you may or may not recall, a few months back, Sylvanus and I attended the Love LA show that was fantastically hosted by our friends, Freddy and Eddy. While at this show, I purchased the Vibratex Rosebud from the Pleasure Chest booth.

The following information is copied from this link: “This dual vibrator is powerful and made of 100% silicone, creating a smooth texture that glides with ease. The internal portion of the Rosebud moves in a swirling motion providing stimulation to the g-spot and the clitoral section flutters with vibration producing waves of pleasures that will make your toes curl. The Vibratex Rosebud measures just over 8″ long including the battery pack and the internal portions measures 1 1/4″ wide.”

So what do I think of this fabulous vibrator?

The Rosebud is my ultimate fave! Hands down.. errr, actually, hands between my thighs with Rosebud in place, this new rabbit-style vibe is the best! The silicone makes for a VERY soft texture. I absolutely love the “rosebud” part of the Rosebud. The shape and size slides perfectly and comfortably within me. It does not feel stiff or uncomfortable, it feels as though it was made for my body. The swirling motion does create just the right stimulation for my g-spot. Once I do orgasm, she slides out very smoothly.

Just below the “rosebud”, is the lovely “butterfly”. The butterfly flutters her antennae in order to stimulate my clit. And she does a wonderful job at it! I am a woman who is not blessed with easy and multiple orgasms. It takes a lot of “work” for me to orgasm, but really, it is all worth it in the end. I find that the Rosebud gives me the most wonderful orgasms! The “rosebud” inside me makes me feel perfectly filled. The “butterfly” stimulates my clit perfectly, not too much .. just right! I have had some hard and loud orgasms with her.

I love this rabbit-style vibe and will continue to buy it.

So what are the negatives?

Well, for one thing, it is fairly loud when both vibrations are being used. Secondly, well, the reason why I am finally getting around to writing this review, is because my wonderful Rosebud broke this weekend. Yes, she broke. I guess I masturbated too hard! Actually, what happened was, the 2 wires that connect to the “butterfly” detached themselves. It seems that there was a poor soldering job done. Perhaps this is a horrible manufacturing decision they have made, or perhaps I managed to purchase a bad unit… in any case, I love this rabbit-style vibe sooo much, I am more than willing to buy another. I have tried 2 other rabbit-style vibes and they don’t feel as good as my Rosebud.

The fabulous news is, since I bought Rosebud at the Love LA show, Freddy and Eddy are going to replace her for me and hopefully, at the same time, a red flag will be raised for the Rosebud manufacturer.

You can find other toy reviews at “our toys” page. (still a work in progress)

Sylvanus and I had the wonderful pleasure of being interviewed by the lovely Ava and Cecilia of Provocatalk: Vox Erotic radio. We had such a blast! Follow this link to listen to the podcast. At least you’ll get to put a voice to the writing *smiles*. Thank you Marcello for pointing them our way.

For this week’s RPF, I laid out her black satin pajamas, and a leopard-print bra. I had noticed her wearing the matching thong to work that morning. These were her instructions:

Today is Role Play Friday, and I have a doozy. Take a shower, put on some perfume.

You: You are Annie, high school senior, dating Tim, a college sophomore and notorious “player.” You haven known his reputation, but he has been mercilessly trying to get you to give up your virginity. Tonight, after an ugly fight yesterday, you’ve decided to give him what he wants as a grand surprise.

Me: I’m Don, Tim’s roommate. We’ve known each other for as long as you and Tim have been together. I know Tim came home after the fight steamed, and decided to stop putting forth the effort with you. Deciding he wanted to get laid, he set up a date with Heather Morris, notoriously the easiest girl in college, and known as such to both of us.

I come home to your surprise for Tim. I don’t want to sell him out, because I’m a good guy, but I don’t want you taken advantage of, either. Plus, someone should comfort you on a night like this.

Can’t wait to see you.

-Master

P.S. - Keep your panties from this morning on.

I got home to a quiet house. As I closed the door I heard a voice call from the inside. “I’m in the bedroom.” My heart sank as I walked back. “I’m sorry about the fight we had.” I walked in to the bedroom to see Annie. She looked up at me. “Oh. Hi.”

I blushed. It was bad enough catching my roommate’s girlfriend in her sexy surprise for him, but it was more because I knew why Tim wasn’t home. In a fit he had called up Heather the Sure Thing, and he was over at her place tonight. So, now, apart from the, oops, I’m sorry’s…now I needed to tell Annie that Tim wasn’t going to be home. And, by the looks of it, he was going to be really sorry. He and Annie had been fighting about her virginity and his desire to take it. Apparently she had finally decided to let him have it. Honestly, I had always really felt bad for her. She is a lot better than Tim. So, I had to break it to her, I guess.

“Tim’s not going to be coming home tonight.” Seemed like I had to tell her. Couldn’t just leave her waiting all night and find him coming back in the morning reeking of what, and whom, he had done the night before.

“He’s not?”

“No,” I replied.

“I thought he was hanging out with you,” she said.

“Tim and I don’t really hang out much,” I said.

“But you guys go out almost every weekend!” she replied. Uh oh. Deep breath time here. Tim had always told me that since Annie wasn’t sleeping with him yet, she was okay with him going out and getting some on the side, since he needed it so much. Now, I was confronted with the truth. Why am I having to clean up his mess?!

So, I sat down next to her as she sat up on the edge of the bed, and explained. I felt awful about it, because she’s a beautiful girl, and so sweet. This was one of the few times I had really envied him, and I hated the thought that he was going to be giving her a sour welcome to the grownup world. It had actually been sort of grimly satisfying to know that she was holding out on him. I was hoping she would wake up to it all in time. Now, apparently, just in time.

She seemed to take the news pretty well, but she was obviously upset. I cradled her against me trying to comfort her. Her perfume was wafting up, and it was heavy and intoxicating. She had really gone all out for him, and clearly wanted her first time to be a big deal. What a bastard…she sighed, “Well, I guess I’m glad I found this all out before.”

I was unconsciously staring at her breast through her half-open pajama top. She caught me and started to cover up. “I can’t believe I’m showing my boyfriend’s roommate…well, ex-boyfriend’s roommate my breasts.” I had to smile.

“It’s okay, they’re nice breasts.” She laughed a little.

“How do you know? You haven’t seen them.” It was nice to see her sense of humor waking up.
She started buttoning back up much to my regret.

“Well, from what I have noticed when you are over, I have always though that they were really nice.” Slowly, the conversation turned back to how beautiful she is, and how much more special she is than the other girls he brought back. So many people just using each other, and here was this gorgeous girl who really cared. As I held her, and told her that I could tell how special she was, I stroked her face a bit, which she seemed to welcome. She really did deserve better. The eye contact became more prolonged, and, finally, I took the chance. I kissed her.

She kissed back. Things became intense very quickly. I was holding her face against mine, our tongues sliding across each other as I began to want more. Here I was, suddenly just another guy who was trying to get in her pants. But I had wanted her for so long, and this was my chance. She breathed that it was so wrong, but she didn’t want to stop. I started unbuttoning her top, and she didn’t stop me. I pushed the satin off her shoulder and took her breast in my hand. She gasped hard, as her nipple rose through her bra cup.

“I’ve never felt like this before!” she panted.

“It only gets better from here.” The chemistry was incredible. She was completely relaxed, surrendering her body to me without a second thought. I fumbled with two hands taking her bra off, and she happily shrugged it off. I pulled her face to mine as I finally touched the skin of her breasts. She moaned, loudly, again how it has never felt like this. I leaned down and licked the nipple. Now she was gasping hard, her breaths ragged and out of rhythm. My hand went to her pajama pants…do I dare? She has been through so much. I could see in her face she wanted them off, so I pulled them down, and then laid her back on the bed, scooting her up so her legs were on the mattress.

We were now getting into dangerous territory, but she was completely happy to forge on ahead.
My hand reached down to her panties, almost on its own. She moaned sharply. This couldn’t be new territory for her, but clearly this was a new kind of intensity. I hesitated, then tugged the material aside to touch her directly. She was writhing beneath me now. “Have you ever been kissed down here?”

“Sort of. Tim did, but I wasn’t really into it. I want to try now.” I smiled, and down I went. Her hips arched under my face and she groaned as my tongue danced on her clit. “Oh god…” Suddenly, I was happy, I was proud. She was finally being treated the right way, and being loved by a man. This might have started wrong, but it was so right. I stood up, she looked at me as I unbuttoned my own shirt. No fear was anywhere in her eyes. She wanted this, and so did I. I pulled my jeans off, leaving my underwear. I looked at her.

“You can still say no.”

She smiled. “I don’t want to.” I smiled, and stripped naked before her. I laid back on top of her. She was wet, and I pressed in slowly, giving her just a little bit of the tip, just enough to start her muscles stretching. She gasped and pulled me closer, so I pressed in farther. She was only too happy to keep taking me in. In two more motions, she had taken me in, her first man. I smiled down at her.

“Welcome to your womanhood.” She laughed and held me closer. I began sliding on her now, keeping my hips low to rub her clit, and moving slowly to let her grow into this. Her muscles were strong around me, and even though I wanted this to be focused on her, and let her have her first time be perfect, I was too turned on. I was simply incapable of suppressing the orgasm. I continued to push, and I was telling her I was going to come. She only pulled me in tighter…she wanted to feel me. I came in staccato bursts of liquid inside her. Her eyes widened as she felt it exploding inside her. I laid still on her for a moment, but then knew I needed to take care of her. She deserved to have it all for her first time. I resumed my motions, and her moans were louder, as the feel of me coming inside her had aroused her. She moaned that she was going to come, and her powerful muscles squeezed my now-semihard cock inside her, almost squirting me out.

Her orgasm was beautiful, and I was proud to have been there for her. We curled up under Tim’s sheets, leaving a stain on his comforter. The air was saturated with the smell of our love, and thick with moisture as we laid in his bed. We decided, then, that this experience merited repeating, and that we should be spending a lot more time together.

—

The most amazing thing about this role play was how we each seemed to inhabit our characters, and how that mood so strongly affected how it felt. It so much like our first time together with that, with novel intensity of the touch of stranger. I look forward to seeing what my imagination dreams up for the next RPF.

Tonight at 10:30 EST, Mina and I will be following in Marcello’s footsteps and doing an interview with Ava and Ceceila of Vox Erotic. Please check in with them on Talkshoe, sign in to the chat, call in with questions, listen live, or download the podcast. With so many options, there are no excuses. You must listen! Resistance is futile! Be sure to get there ahead of time, so you can register with the site to hear the naughty shows!