i hate myself

I’m writing this. because if I don’t, I’ll do something really stupid. 

I woke up this morning, and the world came tumbling down on me. I guess I should take a few steps back and start explaining. I decided to reopen my OKC profile and start looking for new partners. In the section of the profile that asks you something about a secret you would share, I wrote that I identify with being submissive, though it is not important that it be the focus of my next relationship. That one sentence is actually getting the most attention for me on OKC, and by most, I mean two people have contacted me and both are doms. 

I am currently talking to one of those doms, whom I like to call Mr. Enthusiastic. Mr. E is very… enthusiastic about me. He is constantly asking me at what time I will be online next so that he can speak with me. He asks me all kinds of questions to get to know me better. Needless to say, our conversations focus primarily on d/s. His interest in me is that I would essentially take the place of his sub for 8 years, who is moving away. Of course, I’m not really taking the place of another human being, but I would step in and be his new focus since he can’t live without d/s. He is also poly and this sub is someone who he loves very much. 

I don’t know how to explain my feelings about Mr. E other than… there’s just no spark. There’s no immediate connection. He’s not a bad person. I enjoy talking to him. We seem to have the same views about d/s. What he would want from me fits very well in my life. He obviously likes me very much and wants to meet me and is already hoping we could be a good match and I will be his sub. So… why am I just not feeling it? Here’s a man who is actually enthusiastic and wants to talk to me everyday and I can’t be happy about this. 

I woke up this morning and began thinking about Mr E. I began thinking about how we will talk today (he’s already sent me an email asking me where I am and if I am coming online soon, while I write this blogpost) and he will want to make plans to see me in person. I began thinking about whether or not I could be his submissive and then that’s when my world tumbled. 

It has been a year since I can say I truly got over MasterC. Suddenly the tears stopped and the hurt didn’t hurt so bad. At the same time, I felt myself turn my back on d/s. Some how, it all just felt right again. I lived everyday, without thinking about him obsessively. I had moved on and found happiness in other places. Until this morning, when thoughts of MasterC came crashing down on me. 

I came to the realization that I craved MasterC again. Thoughts of giving myself to another Dom completely ruined me. Suddenly, I couldn’t stop thinking about MasterC. I wanted him again. I wanted him to be a part of my life again. I don’t want another Dom. I want him. I want his hands on my body. I want the magic, the perfection, that he and I shared as dom and sub once more. I could feel the tears welling up. 

I made my second mistake. 

I went to visit his twitter account. An account I had not looked at in over a year. There I saw it, an old tweet saying his thoughts were on the most perfect breasts he had ever squeezed. My heart wants to believe he was talking about me. That his thoughts were about me that day. When we were together, he had told me mine were the best breasts he had ever seen and touched. He loved them. Was he still thinking about me? Was that tweet out there in the hopes that I would have seen it and said something? No, I told myself. He has surely met another and he speaks of her, not you. 

That’s when the tears really began falling. My old friend, the ugly cry, was back. I was crying again like MasterC had ended things just yesterday. I felt like he was my drug and it was taking everything not to do the dumbest thing possible. I wanted to contact him. I needed to contact him. I wanted to answer his tweet and tell him that I hoped it were my breasts he was thinking about. I wanted to send him an email… no, a text. A text would be more direct. Maybe he never checks his email. I thought, what if we aren’t talking because he thinks I never want to hear from him again? Surely, I could send him one message? Maybe it will fix everything. I’m ready to be his “recreation”… aren’t I? I don’t care! I just want him to come to me. I want him to show up at my door and place his sadistic hands on my body like only he can. There can be no other! 

It took everything, not to send him a message. It’s stupid, I know. If he really wanted me, he would have answered the messages I sent him long ago. If he really wanted me to be the one masochistic sub he is searching for, according to his twitter bio, he would have contacted me. But I am not her. He abandoned me, never to speak to me again, and I hate myself for wanting to go back to him. 

My husband had lunch with me today, sensing that I would need someone to help comfort me. We talked. He asked me if MasterC were to send me a message, would I take him back. I said, yes, but he’s not going to send me a message. He doesn’t want me. If he did, he would have contacted me a long time ago. My husband told me he would have something to say about it if I were to go back to MasterC. I told him I know. Because at the end of the day, no matter how much I think I could go back to MasterC, I am forbidden to. My husband has not said as much, but I know it. I am forbidden to go back with MasterC. My husband does not want to see me get hurt again and certainly does not want to watch me go through the pain of losing MasterC …. again. 

So here I am, a year after I thought I was over MasterC, realizing, I’m just not. What brought it all back was my considering of going back to d/s and taking in another dom. I don’t want another dom, not now. I only want him. But I can’t have him. It is forbidden and besides, he doesn’t want me. I really need to forget him, but I can’t. I think once I move, it will make it easier to move on and be more accepting of another dom in my life. Right now, knowing MasterC is but an hour away, makes considering anyone here, hopeless. Perhaps when I have moved away, the fact that MasterC will now be in a different country will help me move on? Not sure why that would matter, he is but an hour away now and everything else makes him forbidden to me, moving away just increases the distance between he and I. 

I find it interesting, however, that I have no problems submitting to TC. Maybe because he is not my dom and does not wish to be? I actually really enjoy submitting to TC. It makes me happy. I feel no sadness. Perhaps it’s the fact that TC and I are not in a d/s relationship, that makes this easy for me to do with him? Or maybe it’s just my feelings for TC make me trust him? And if TC were to decide he was a dominant and wanted more of a d/s relationship with me, I would give it a try, though… distance and time would be an issue. Probably wouldn’t work for us as a serious structure. 

I think it’s pretty clear that I am not ready for things with Mr. Enthusiastic. I will be telling him the truth about what happened to me this morning. Maybe I’ll get over this and move on? Maybe I am being ridiculous letting MasterC get in the way? Maybe I should just keep giving Mr E a chance to be someone in my life? 

Maybe, it is true that MasterC will be my only Master and my days in the d/s lifestyle are truly over? 

All I know is, I must stay strong and not give in to this addiction. No matter how badly I think I may need him in my life once more, I cannot try to open that door once more. It is forbidden. 

© At Longings End