Misconceptions of Dating Polyamorous Women

Obviously, this post is based on my experiences as a polyamorous woman. Perhaps it should be titled, “Misconceptions of dating polyamorous Mina”, but I have a feeling that some women will be able to relate to this post, while others may disagree. I welcome everyone to leave a comment to voice their opinions or experiences. 

I’m going to skip the constant dribble that is associated with polyamorous people. This is not another post about how we polyamorous people are not looking to find a label to make sleeping around acceptable. That’s been done before, here and in countless other blogs. Instead, I want to focus on what it means to be dating a polyamorous woman, especially when you may not be polyamorous yourself or are just learning about this lifestyle. This post is written for men (primarily those who do not identify as polyamorous) dating polyamorous women. 

Listen up, I am going to make this very simple and to the point. If you are confused about how to treat a polyamorous woman because we are “different”, let me break it down to you simply. Treat us like you would treat someone you are having a monogamous relationship with. I just blew your mind didn’t I? I tend to do that before wrapping my lips around other parts of male anatomy. 

Here’s the thing. I am not without feelings and emotions. I am not invincible. I am not a toy you put on the shelf and only play with from time to time. I am a human being. I have feelings and emotions and I am not invincible to pain or having my feelings hurt. I am a woman who wants to be treated with the same caring respect as any other woman out there would, regardless if I am monogamous or polyamorous. I am extremely independent and strong, but dammit, don’t always treat me as such. Don’t think you can just leave me alone because I am strong enough to take care of myself. I want you in my life. I want you to pay attention to me. 

Just because I am polyamorous and have a better grip on my jealousy, does not mean I don’t get jealous. I do. Jealousy is a perfectly natural emotion. What matters is how you handle your jealousy. I have my faults. I sometimes react too quickly to my jealousy, instead of letting it marinate and analyzing why I am feeling the way I do. When this happens, I become a snarky bitch. Just ask my husband. It doesn’t happen often, but sometimes it just gets the better of me and I regret my terrible attitude after. So, because I may not let jealousy get the better of me, don’t treat me like I am imperceptible to this emotion. 

Yes, you are able to be completely open and honest about all your relationships with me and not have to hide behind my back about other women you are involved with, but don’t treat me like your mistress. Don’t toss me aside because you are with another woman. Look, your business is your business. I get that my lifestyle is not mainstream. I understand completely that your friends and family don’t know about me because it’s hard to get them to understand that you are involved with a married woman. I too, have to keep things secret. I can’t openly tell my family about the other men I am seeing. I’d like to, but it’s complicated. So trust me, I understand when things can’t be so open as much as we’d like them to be. All I’m saying is, don’t treat me like a woman you are seeing on the side. 

The key to polyamorous dating, is making all partners involved feel equal or at the very least, each equally important in your life for the many different reasons they are. 

Some women get a thrill from being a secret, the woman on the side. I don’t. I don’t want to be that woman. I want to be A woman. I want to be a woman in your life that is just as important as another. I want to feel like I am of any importance in your life, not just a woman of convenience. Just because I am ok with you seeing other women, does not mean you can just push me aside when this happens. I am not a toy. I am perfectly reasonable and accepting of your relations with other women, but I am not an object. You can’t just leave me in your toy box and expect me to be happy when you return later, when it is of your convenience. You may think that dating a polyamorous woman means you have less drama to deal with, which can be true, but we are still women. We may be less demanding of your time, more reasonable, and less prone to jealousy, but we are still women with needs. 

Treat me like a human being. Treat me like you would a woman you are in a monogamous relationship with. If you treat me like one of your playthings or just some woman you see for a really good fuck, then I’ll start treating you the same and stop having any notion that I am special to you. Dating a polyamorous woman is no different than dating a monogamous woman. The only difference is, you can date many of us. But deep down, at the core of the matter, we are all still women. We all still have our faults, feelings, quirks, needs, etc. Don’t treat me differently. Don’t treat my like I don’t matter. Unless, I really don’t. 

© At Longings End 


58 Responses to Misconceptions of Dating Polyamorous Women

  1. Bad Penny says:

    I hope you will allow me to reblog this… seriously I couldn’t have said this better myself! Thank you for sharing.

    Penelope Jones

  2. Agatha-luise says:

    Perfect. I am in no polyamorous relationship but I think every woman should be treated that way. I myself who had a relationship with a married man felt that way. The relationship would have not lasted long if he just saw me as someone of convenience.

  3. SassyTwatter says:

    The way you explained it made such sense & should be used universally whether on not one is poloy. You are a women with feelings and emotions and deserved to be treated as such. Thank you for sharing.

  4. polymisfit says:

    This is perfectly said, I have tried to explain to people from outside or people who wanted to be involved with me that its just like any relationship just with more people in it and I am NOT A PLAY THING that only gets taken out for a good time. THIS IS SO PERFECT Im going to forward it to EVERYBODY

    • Mina Lamieux says:

      Thank you for the reblog. It is true. I think people lose sight that we are just like anyone else, except we live a bit differently. But at the core of it all, we are still the same.

  5. Emily says:

    Absolutely! One of the major problems I had with James, my first (and so far only) poly partner, was the fact that he seemed to think I was somehow free of emotions. He expected me not to care if he treated me shoddily. He recently tried to start things up again. We had had virtually no contact for months, a little “hi, how are you?’ before Christmas. A couple of days into the New Year and I get a message ‘want to watch me wank on Skype?’. He hadn’t even said ‘Happy New Year’ or ‘how are you?’. I am pleased to say I rejected his advance and it was enough to put me off starting up again. I doubt he would have done the same thing were I not poly and married to someone else!

    Another thing that bugs me is when guys (it hasn’t happened with women yet) find out I am poly so many assume that means I want to fuck them. Er, no!

    • Mina Lamieux says:

      Yeah, I decided to skip the whole misconception that poly = I fuck everyone. That is the most common ideal. That we are all sluts justifying cheating.

      I’m sorry that James was your first poly partner because it sounds to me, he put a label on himself that was absolutely wrong, just to be able to sleep around. Sounds more to me like he was treating you like a fuck buddy. I’m glad you rejected his advances and I hope you have since moved on. He just sounds like any random horny dude looking for some release from the first available girl.

  6. CAWhite says:

    I identify with this SO MUCH! Yes, we are human beings. Not just a play thing. We like to converse. We like to hang out even if you are too tired or sick to have sex. We LIKE YOU as a person and not just a fuck buddy either.

    Great post.

    • Mina Lamieux says:

      Thank you for reading. This is so true. People get into polyamory for many different reasons. For me, it’s not about finding a fuck buddy, but a partner. If I can’t spend the day in someone’s company outside the bedroom, then chances are, I’m not interested in spending time inside the bedroom. I like people for the whole package, not just their “package”.

  7. Paul simons says:

    Fantastic read very eye opening on a world that I don’t know. It’s so interesting to see things and feelings explained in terms we should all be able to understand.

  8. MaríMar says:

    Well said Mina. :)

  9. Pensive says:

    Amen, Mina! I agree. It has been a difficult journey for this polyamorous woman, trying to find a man who understands that a secondary relationship doesn’t mean any less to me. I’ve been dumped twice now by men who were originally OK with polyamory so they could pursue monogamy.

    • Mina Lamieux says:

      Sadly, that happens a lot. My husband and I are very good at getting involved with single people who are normally monogamous. Then not long after we get involved, they meet someone and need to end things. I guess in one way, we could be lucky charms for these single people. I can’t really get mad or upset. If these people want to pursue something with someone else, then they should. It’s my fault for getting involved with monogamous people. Not to say that getting involved with polyamorous people guarantees success, but at least there is a different mind frame there. Some people do think they are ok with polyamory, until they meet someone they really like who is monogamous… then that means we are the ones getting dumped. It’s kind of emotionally abusive really.

  10. Sir Jaerls says:

    I never actually understood how a label created to explain a lifestyle preference suddenly invalidates that person’s humanity or rights. You are still a woman, a human, a citizen, etc. Why would one label invalidate all others? Sadly, it’s often true.
    I sometimes wonder if any of us actually ever made it out of high school.
    Great post.

    • Mina Lamieux says:

      The same holds true if you label yourself submissive, dominant, etc in the BDSM world. There are so many submissives who turn themselves into pretzels mentally because they are lead to believe being submissive means not having any say at all. They forget that they are whatever gender they are and above all else human. Dominants also forget this and treat subs terribly. Dominants also forget that having moments of weakness is not wrong or bad, it’s being human. And don’t get me started when dominants refuse to admit they are wrong or at fault when pointed out by a submissive, because, they are dominant and can’t be wrong.

  11. What a beautiful, clear and concise piece of writing.
    I particularly liked “I am extremely independent and strong, but dammit, don’t always treat me as such.” Which must be true for almost all women.

  12. 24 says:

    Thanks for sharing this Mina. Xo

  13. ladypandorah says:

    Beautifully written truths, Mina. I imagine it takes a long time to get to grips with your own self as being polyamorous, so when a new partner comes along and doesn’t pay attention to your needs it must be heck of a disappointing and emotional downturn. This post should be in the metaphorical ‘Poly 101′!

    LadyP x

  14. Fabulously written Mina and so true for any woman (or man I suppose in a way). We are all human beings with feelings and should be treated fairly and with respect.

    ~Mia~ xx

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  37. I’m very late to this party, but read this entry, Mina, and couldn’t help thinking “my god, i could have written that myself”. In terms of the subject of course, you say it much more eloquently that I ever could.

    My own theory is that we have patriarchal, mysoginist, sexist gender roles so ingrained in our psyches, that any women who seeks sexual agency (and pelasure) is instantly put in the Whore/mistress/strumept/easy fuck category, and treated likewise.
    Comfoprting, and at the same time, disturbing, to see that most of us are still struggling to be taken seriously as independent, whole individuals who stand by ourselves in our sexual desires, not as accessories or only existing in reference to the male. After all, a mistress is only a mistress as long as she is actively performing as such with a man. But a woman whose sexuality doesn’t exist in reference to that of a man, is scary. It risks relegating men to the role of some kind of male-mistress: playthings, accessories, discardable erotic companions. How emasculating!

    • Adraynik says:

      Hello all, this will be very short, it’s my first time I couldn’t pass this up.

      Us as individuals will have situations as such because of the one the one we dealing with. I think we should really get to know who we are dealing with, you say “yeah” but what I mean is to try some situational Q & A. Early on before you decide to sleep or even give someone a small piece of your heart, take them unknowingly through a few of your concerns you wouldn’t want him or her to do to you but put it in a situational manner like, what do think he or she should have or how they should have handled it. At that point or later if you want to give a second or third shoot, you should know if that person will be worth your time and energy. Now if you are trying to kill two birds with one stone sort of speaking, you might have to take the good with the bad.

      There is a lot more to say but that will be by a case to case base.

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