Obviously, this post is based on my experiences as a polyamorous woman. Perhaps it should be titled, “Misconceptions of dating polyamorous Mina”, but I have a feeling that some women will be able to relate to this post, while others may disagree. I welcome everyone to leave a comment to voice their opinions or experiences.
I’m going to skip the constant dribble that is associated with polyamorous people. This is not another post about how we polyamorous people are not looking to find a label to make sleeping around acceptable. That’s been done before, here and in countless other blogs. Instead, I want to focus on what it means to be dating a polyamorous woman, especially when you may not be polyamorous yourself or are just learning about this lifestyle. This post is written for men (primarily those who do not identify as polyamorous) dating polyamorous women.
Listen up, I am going to make this very simple and to the point. If you are confused about how to treat a polyamorous woman because we are “different”, let me break it down to you simply. Treat us like you would treat someone you are having a monogamous relationship with. I just blew your mind didn’t I? I tend to do that before wrapping my lips around other parts of male anatomy.
Here’s the thing. I am not without feelings and emotions. I am not invincible. I am not a toy you put on the shelf and only play with from time to time. I am a human being. I have feelings and emotions and I am not invincible to pain or having my feelings hurt. I am a woman who wants to be treated with the same caring respect as any other woman out there would, regardless if I am monogamous or polyamorous. I am extremely independent and strong, but dammit, don’t always treat me as such. Don’t think you can just leave me alone because I am strong enough to take care of myself. I want you in my life. I want you to pay attention to me.
Just because I am polyamorous and have a better grip on my jealousy, does not mean I don’t get jealous. I do. Jealousy is a perfectly natural emotion. What matters is how you handle your jealousy. I have my faults. I sometimes react too quickly to my jealousy, instead of letting it marinate and analyzing why I am feeling the way I do. When this happens, I become a snarky bitch. Just ask my husband. It doesn’t happen often, but sometimes it just gets the better of me and I regret my terrible attitude after. So, because I may not let jealousy get the better of me, don’t treat me like I am imperceptible to this emotion.
Yes, you are able to be completely open and honest about all your relationships with me and not have to hide behind my back about other women you are involved with, but don’t treat me like your mistress. Don’t toss me aside because you are with another woman. Look, your business is your business. I get that my lifestyle is not mainstream. I understand completely that your friends and family don’t know about me because it’s hard to get them to understand that you are involved with a married woman. I too, have to keep things secret. I can’t openly tell my family about the other men I am seeing. I’d like to, but it’s complicated. So trust me, I understand when things can’t be so open as much as we’d like them to be. All I’m saying is, don’t treat me like a woman you are seeing on the side.
The key to polyamorous dating, is making all partners involved feel equal or at the very least, each equally important in your life for the many different reasons they are.
Some women get a thrill from being a secret, the woman on the side. I don’t. I don’t want to be that woman. I want to be A woman. I want to be a woman in your life that is just as important as another. I want to feel like I am of any importance in your life, not just a woman of convenience. Just because I am ok with you seeing other women, does not mean you can just push me aside when this happens. I am not a toy. I am perfectly reasonable and accepting of your relations with other women, but I am not an object. You can’t just leave me in your toy box and expect me to be happy when you return later, when it is of your convenience. You may think that dating a polyamorous woman means you have less drama to deal with, which can be true, but we are still women. We may be less demanding of your time, more reasonable, and less prone to jealousy, but we are still women with needs.
Treat me like a human being. Treat me like you would a woman you are in a monogamous relationship with. If you treat me like one of your playthings or just some woman you see for a really good fuck, then I’ll start treating you the same and stop having any notion that I am special to you. Dating a polyamorous woman is no different than dating a monogamous woman. The only difference is, you can date many of us. But deep down, at the core of the matter, we are all still women. We all still have our faults, feelings, quirks, needs, etc. Don’t treat me differently. Don’t treat my like I don’t matter. Unless, I really don’t.
© At Longings End