Goodbye to all that

So, this is the post I keep trying to decide if I’m ever going to write. Instead of writing it, however, I’m going to edit out everything I WANT to say, and simply keep it down to the broadest strokes.

I have decided to withdraw from the BDSM community.

I have a lot of reasons for this, but sharing them would hurt too many people, and, honestly, even saying this much will cause people to pull away from me that I don’t want to. But from here there are a few things surrounding this disenchantment that need to be explored.

The first is the increasingly constrictive nature of this blog. As more people read it, and as we have met more people who do, and made conniption through it, it becomes less and less a place where it can serve its original purpose. Now, rather than being the outlet where we can be honest, it is a place where we have a part to play. And, to a large extent, that prevents us from saying things that want or need to be said. Perhaps this is some of my long-term introversion coming through, but it’s deeply in the zone of “not worth the headache it will cause” for me. I think it’s something that merits further thought at another time.

The second is that much of the distance I now put between myself and this world has far more to do with the practical application than the idea. While I always remain completely okay with the principles, the predictability of how it falls down in practice is now like nails on a chalkboard for me – and the consequences are all too much.

But then I suppose I need address some other questions. Do I still like doing the things that are associated with BDSM? Sure, i love to give a spanking now and then. There are people I meet whom I wish to control and dominate. More and more though, I find myself craving classic, basic sex, where the guy fucks the girl and she fucks him back. The existence of exceptions to this doesn’t mean that I want to be connected to this world again, even if I do enjoy many of the same things I always have.

The last is realizing that I need set this out, because I have become intolerably cynical about it all. As Mina has had difficulties with the men she has engaged with, I have either sat in fuming silence, or spewed the purest of bile. Every time I see kink now, I see the seeds of doom, and I’m rarely disappointed. I see people masking their insecurities in leather, and exploding when caught out. This cynicism is something I don’t want any more, so it’s best I go away.

So…goodbye to all that.

4 Responses to Goodbye to all that

  1. I really do hope that you find the place that you need to be.

    I also hope that this will also not be the end of your blogging days as you write so beautifully!

    Hope that you keep in touch in whichever form you feel comfortable with.

    Love and hugs

    ~Mia~ xx

  2. angelfish says:

    I’m going to miss you, but, if I’m honest, I’ve noticed over the past 2 or so years the dynamic on the blog has shifted too, so I’m not overly surprised either.
    I’ll continue to read & follow you both on twitter, as I have always done, as I care a lot about the two of you, but I will miss your musings, even if they do cause controversy or are not of the same opinion as mine.

    xx

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