going back

I stand before an ocean. I’ve been here before. It is vast and no matter how much time I spend here, parts will forever be left unexplored. It’s been months since I swam in it though. I watch as the waves come crashing down hard. The hardest part about swimming in the ocean, is getting past the waves. As my toes dip into the lapping waves, I’m convinced I can’t go back. 

Oh, don’t get me wrong. I love the ocean. I love so many things about the ocean. I feel at home there. I fell in love with an octopus, not long ago. His arms wrapped me tightly in comfort, security and guidance. He was beautiful, intelligent and powerful. He could change his appearance in seconds. So much so, that one day, he was no longer the octopus. He became the shark and he preyed on my heart. I swam as hard as I could, but the only way out was to head for the shore. I made it, but not unscathed. The shark took a piece of my heart and with it a piece of my submissive soul. 

Now I stare out in the ocean and I am terrified. The shark has long gone. He will not be returning. But still, there are more out there… what if I fall in love with an octopus again? What if he is not the octopus, but the shark? The truth is, I’m conflicted. I miss the ocean, I really do. It calls to me from time to time. I can’t deny it. I have always been pulled towards it. There are parts of me, however, that are doing just fine staying away, but I think, those are the parts that live in fear. I try to tell myself I’m better off never swimming again, but I can’t deny that pull. I can’t deny that ache I get to dive in. It aches so much at times, it throbs and I go crazy fantasizing about the ocean and all it has to offer. 

—-

I’m fragile. I am damaged. I am frightened. So very frightened. I have an ache. I want so desperately to go back, but I am terrified.  I am so very terrified that the next Dom to come along will reopen my wounds. I am frightened that when the next Dom strikes me on my backside with his crop, my mind will whirl and I will see the shark’s face and it will trigger me into a fit of sobs. I’m frightened that every touch from a new Dom will send me into tears and not the good kind of tears. 

I am one that won’t be defeated by her fears. I will face them. I will concur and I will endure. I cannot do this alone, but maybe one day, I will find another octopus and he will wrap me in his arms and he will protect me and guide me and care for me. He will hurt me, discipline me, punish me and own me. One day, I will see again that not all octopi are sharks in disguise. Not all octopi will suddenly disappear when I need them the most, leaving nothing behind but a cloud of ink and scars. 

—-

I feel the ocean calling me. Stronger and stronger each day. I am still frightened. I linger too much on the thought of another broken promise. I linger to much on the shark. As the waves crash at my feet, I have to let it all go. I have to trust in myself more than anyone else. There are no great experiences in life without taking great risk. There are signs occurring, clear signs that are telling me, “You are ready. You need this. Come back.” The hardest part is getting past the waves right? 

So I dive.