new year, new me

Hi! It’s me, Mina. 2011 has been a whirlwind. The 31st marks two significant changes in my life. December 31st of 2008 was the day Sylvanus proposed marriage to me. Saying yes was one of the smartest decisions of my life. December 31st of 2010 was the day he and I started a new life in Switzerland. Here we are, one year after that move.

To say that I love it here in Switzerland would be an outright lie. To say I hate it here would also be a lie. I’m somewhere in the middle. Yes, it’s difficult living somewhere you don’t speak the language. However, there is an alarming amount of people who do speak english. It’s a give or take situation. It sucks not being able to speak to my neighbors, read the local paper or read notices on the apartment walls. On the other hand, I’m not doing so bad, I suppose. I’m taking lessons and slowly learning German, but even once that is accomplished, Swiss German is a whole other language to learn. I’ve made a few friends through my class which isn’t so bad either.

So, there are things about Switzerland I do love. They are so animal friendly here. Owning a dog is great. I can take her anywhere I want, including inside restaurants. This country is beautiful and quiet and small. Not to mention, I am smack in the middle of Europe and getting anywhere is pretty easy. But, there is so much about Switzerland that is not America and that, I miss. Cheap prices and stores being open all the time are the things I miss most. Oh and being in a country where I speak the language is nice too. I know that I would probably feel much different if we moved to the french region of switzerland (the much better region in my opinion), but that is not a possibility. Maybe once I have mastered German, but I feel like that’s still a year or so away as well.

Well, I guess I should stop pretending I don’t see the large pachyderm in the room. Yes, 2011 brought an amazing change to my life. I met C. I met C, we hit it off, fireworks erupted and then the car crashed. I’m not going to go on and on about our relationship and then our break up. It’s all written on this blog if you are reading this and are confused. (Just go here).

There was a lesson to be learned here though. I gave my heart to someone who couldn’t really be trusted with it. I’ll never make this mistake again. My want, desire and need (even selfishness) to be with C made me ignore the fact that he couldn’t tell his primary partner how he really felt about me. I’m not going to begin to debate whether or not she really knew I existed. He told me she knew, I’m taking his word for it. She however, could never know that he fell in love with me. In the end, this was our doom. He chose his life over me, because I couldn’t be included in his life. That’s the way the cookie crumbles.

I actually feel a little sorry for him. Well, besides the fact he gave up the very best slave he is ever going to have, he has to go through our break up alone. I had my husband by my side, supporting me, and holding me when the tears would not stop. He, however, only has himself. Or maybe he’s not really going through any pain at all. Who knows? He’s at least done me the favor of not contacting me since the day I said it had to end because I refused to be his recreational activity.

I’m never going to understand how or why he chose to turn his back on us… oh well… it just is. Time to move on.

My break up with C brings in a lot of new changes for me for the new year. It’s hard to say what the new year will bring for me. I’m pretty bitter and hurt right now. I have no interest in moving on with someone else. I have no interest in getting involved with someone seriously. Right now… it’s all bull shit to me. D/s, polyamory… bullshit. Just call me “cold hearted bitch”. Or “bitter bitch” works as well. Maybe one day, when I can be happy with seeing people on a recreational basis (meaning no relationships and no emotions involved), be it D/s or just sex, I’ll jump back into the game. But, that is not my interest and I am certainly NOT ready to get involved with someone right now.

I’m not fool enough to tell you I am never going to fall in love with another person again, for I can’t control my heart, but I am going to try my hardest. My break up with C has left me completely untrusting. I don’t want to fall in love again.

Also, awhile ago, I wrote a post about not wanting to be involved with people who would be cheating on their significant other in order to see me. Mind you, that was NOT a post judging people because they cheat! I don’t care what people do in their own relationships. That is their business. It was simply stating that people who are not “free” to see me, can’t really be available to me. Also, I didn’t feel great being the “other woman”. Well… all that is changing this coming year.

It is not my business nor responsibility to be in charge of another couples’ relationship. If a man, or woman, chooses to see me in secrecy from their significant other, so be it. Call me a hypocrite. I don’t care. I think I’m entitled to change my mind how I wish to conduct my life. If I’m willing to run the risk of being involved when a person’s significant other finds out I exist, then I’m grown up enough to be involved with them. I’m choosing to no longer make someone’s choice to see me in secrecy, be a no-go. It doesn’t mean I WILL see someone who is making me their dirty little secret, it just means I no longer will say “NO” immediately.

So there you have it. A new year, with hopefully a new me. Maybe not a better me, but right now, I don’t give a fuck. I don’t want to get emotionally involved with anyone for a very long time. D/s? Hah.. I’m pretty sure that’s over for me. I’m certainly not ready to go back to that world. Maybe it’s time I focus on only being involved with women, but for sure, any men I get involved with, will be no strings attached, which, for a lot of men, works just fine for them, preferred even.

I don’t know what I want this coming year, but I figure, burning the bridge of 2011 after I’ve crossed it, is a pretty damn good idea.

© At Longings End