new year, new me

Hi! It’s me, Mina. 2011 has been a whirlwind. The 31st marks two significant changes in my life. December 31st of 2008 was the day Sylvanus proposed marriage to me. Saying yes was one of the smartest decisions of my life. December 31st of 2010 was the day he and I started a new life in Switzerland. Here we are, one year after that move.

To say that I love it here in Switzerland would be an outright lie. To say I hate it here would also be a lie. I’m somewhere in the middle. Yes, it’s difficult living somewhere you don’t speak the language. However, there is an alarming amount of people who do speak english. It’s a give or take situation. It sucks not being able to speak to my neighbors, read the local paper or read notices on the apartment walls. On the other hand, I’m not doing so bad, I suppose. I’m taking lessons and slowly learning German, but even once that is accomplished, Swiss German is a whole other language to learn. I’ve made a few friends through my class which isn’t so bad either.

So, there are things about Switzerland I do love. They are so animal friendly here. Owning a dog is great. I can take her anywhere I want, including inside restaurants. This country is beautiful and quiet and small. Not to mention, I am smack in the middle of Europe and getting anywhere is pretty easy. But, there is so much about Switzerland that is not America and that, I miss. Cheap prices and stores being open all the time are the things I miss most. Oh and being in a country where I speak the language is nice too. I know that I would probably feel much different if we moved to the french region of switzerland (the much better region in my opinion), but that is not a possibility. Maybe once I have mastered German, but I feel like that’s still a year or so away as well.

Well, I guess I should stop pretending I don’t see the large pachyderm in the room. Yes, 2011 brought an amazing change to my life. I met C. I met C, we hit it off, fireworks erupted and then the car crashed. I’m not going to go on and on about our relationship and then our break up. It’s all written on this blog if you are reading this and are confused. (Just go here).

There was a lesson to be learned here though. I gave my heart to someone who couldn’t really be trusted with it. I’ll never make this mistake again. My want, desire and need (even selfishness) to be with C made me ignore the fact that he couldn’t tell his primary partner how he really felt about me. I’m not going to begin to debate whether or not she really knew I existed. He told me she knew, I’m taking his word for it. She however, could never know that he fell in love with me. In the end, this was our doom. He chose his life over me, because I couldn’t be included in his life. That’s the way the cookie crumbles.

I actually feel a little sorry for him. Well, besides the fact he gave up the very best slave he is ever going to have, he has to go through our break up alone. I had my husband by my side, supporting me, and holding me when the tears would not stop. He, however, only has himself. Or maybe he’s not really going through any pain at all. Who knows? He’s at least done me the favor of not contacting me since the day I said it had to end because I refused to be his recreational activity.

I’m never going to understand how or why he chose to turn his back on us… oh well… it just is. Time to move on.

My break up with C brings in a lot of new changes for me for the new year. It’s hard to say what the new year will bring for me. I’m pretty bitter and hurt right now. I have no interest in moving on with someone else. I have no interest in getting involved with someone seriously. Right now… it’s all bull shit to me. D/s, polyamory… bullshit. Just call me “cold hearted bitch”. Or “bitter bitch” works as well. Maybe one day, when I can be happy with seeing people on a recreational basis (meaning no relationships and no emotions involved), be it D/s or just sex, I’ll jump back into the game. But, that is not my interest and I am certainly NOT ready to get involved with someone right now.

I’m not fool enough to tell you I am never going to fall in love with another person again, for I can’t control my heart, but I am going to try my hardest. My break up with C has left me completely untrusting. I don’t want to fall in love again.

Also, awhile ago, I wrote a post about not wanting to be involved with people who would be cheating on their significant other in order to see me. Mind you, that was NOT a post judging people because they cheat! I don’t care what people do in their own relationships. That is their business. It was simply stating that people who are not “free” to see me, can’t really be available to me. Also, I didn’t feel great being the “other woman”. Well… all that is changing this coming year.

It is not my business nor responsibility to be in charge of another couples’ relationship. If a man, or woman, chooses to see me in secrecy from their significant other, so be it. Call me a hypocrite. I don’t care. I think I’m entitled to change my mind how I wish to conduct my life. If I’m willing to run the risk of being involved when a person’s significant other finds out I exist, then I’m grown up enough to be involved with them. I’m choosing to no longer make someone’s choice to see me in secrecy, be a no-go. It doesn’t mean I WILL see someone who is making me their dirty little secret, it just means I no longer will say “NO” immediately.

So there you have it. A new year, with hopefully a new me. Maybe not a better me, but right now, I don’t give a fuck. I don’t want to get emotionally involved with anyone for a very long time. D/s? Hah.. I’m pretty sure that’s over for me. I’m certainly not ready to go back to that world. Maybe it’s time I focus on only being involved with women, but for sure, any men I get involved with, will be no strings attached, which, for a lot of men, works just fine for them, preferred even.

I don’t know what I want this coming year, but I figure, burning the bridge of 2011 after I’ve crossed it, is a pretty damn good idea.

© At Longings End

HNT- Finale

I took this photo weeks ago during my photo shoot for the HNT finale project. When HNT first came into my blogging life a few years ago, it was a wonderful community to be a part of. As the years passed and my life changed, I found my participation growing thin. These days, I seem to be an HNT participant once in a blue moon. I’m sad to see it go, but can see that all things eventually come to an end. Here is my final HNT hoorah! If you’ve missed any of my HNTs, you can find them in our gallery! 

And don’t forget to visit me and the other HNT participants in the finale project! 

Product Review: PicoBong IPO Finger Vibe

Today’s review is brought to you by the lovely people of PicoBong. Who the  heck is PicoBong you ask? Well, from the team behind the company you may already know as LELO, comes this new company, PicoBong! Why a new company? Glad you asked! “The new PicoBong brand builds on [Lelo's] extensive experience and knowledge of creating high quality, sophisticated products, [and] applying this ethic to a younger clientele at a more affordable price point.” The biggest “complaint” that I hear from most people about Lelo, is that it is a little out of their price range. So why not create a company with a line of products that give you a fresher  style and quality, but at a more affordable price?  Today, I will be reviewing the PicoBong IPO Finger Vibe for you. 

“Ipo is a cute little finger vibe that lets users focus vibrations where they are wanted most, turning every touch, tickle, and stroke into a singular sensation.”

IPO is made with body safe, FDA approved silicone and ABS plastic and is fully waterproof. Like Lelo products, IPO features a powerful and near silent motor with 12 different vibrating patterns and speeds. The controls are user friendly and easily accessible. I had a lot of fun giving IPO a test drive.  IPO runs on one AAA battery and you get about 2 hours of playtime with one battery. I first got myself familiar with the controls and how to change the vibrating patterns. There are only two buttons on IPO, a + and a -. One will increase the speed (+) and one will decrease the speed (-). Also holding + turns IPO on and holding – turns IPO off. If you hold + for 2 seconds and release, it will change the vibrating pattern. At first, I didn’t get this to work. Turns out, it’s a little longer than 2 seconds, but once I realized the trick, I was switching between modes easily. 

view of ring

Another thing I noticed about IPO was the silicone ring designed to slip your finger through. I am a small woman and have small hands with small fingers. Even for me, slipping IPO over my finger was quite snug. Sylvanus, my husband, is a tall man and has much bigger hands with thicker fingers than I do. I asked him to try and put IPO on his finger. He was able to do so, but it was a very tight fit for him.

Now comes the fun part! I decided I was going to take my time and fully enjoy the IPO. I got undressed and laid back on the bed and turned IPO on. Immediately the vibrations began stimulating my clit in a wonderful way. IPO’s smooth silicone felt very nice against my tender flesh. It fits just right on my finger for perfect placement.

easy to use controls

I found the controls easily accessible with my thumb. One by one I went through all of the different vibrating patterns. Each one stimulating me in a different way. Some if them worked better than others. The last few patterns are a mix of pulsing vibrations and rising and falling intensity. It’s like a playground for your clit. I ended up staying on one of these patterns and rode it out to a shattering orgasm. 

Would I recommend the PicoBong IPO Finger Vibe? Yes, I would, but not at 100%. It’s a quality product at an affordable price. It can be used alone, or with a partner or more. Being fully water proof also adds more possibilities to it’s uses. There is one thing that does concern me about IPO however,

finger turning blue

and that is the tightness of the ring you slip your finger through. I have no idea if silicone “loosens” up the more you use it, but that ring is a little too snug. Sure, it fit my finger just fine, but I have small fingers.What about someone else with thicker fingers? Also, after about 10-15 minutes of wearing and using the vibe, I noticed that the tip of my finger was getting blue from the ring being tight. 

Visit the PicoBong site to find IPO and various other products you might be interested in! 

Product Review: Crystal Delights Crystal Twist Mini Plug

Now for something with a little… twist! This review is brought to you by the fabulous people of Crystal Delights. When I won their twitter contest for the CAC Plug, they asked me if I would like to write a review for their Crystal Twist Mini Plug. I took one look at it and said, “YES!” My thoughts were immediately that this would be an awesome anal toy to have MasterC use on me. Sadly, however, this will never happen, but I still had fun using it on myself! 

“You haven’t experienced anal play until you’ve experienced the sensation of our Crystal Twist mini-plug. Made of smooth, clear glass and topped with a stunning crystal Swarovski element, this corkscrew-shaped plug slips in surprisingly easily. The unique shape and beautiful crystal will leave you feeling exquisite inside and outside.”

I have to say, I was quite curious about how a twisted plug would feel. I had no idea if it would be pleasurable or uncomfortable. Well, I can tell you, it is quite pleasurable. A very different sensation than having a “normal” plug inserted, but very nice! It did slip surprisingly easily into my anus. I then wondered, could I sit comfortably or walk around with this plug inserted? I kind of assumed it would be a “for play” only kind of plug. Again, I was surprised. I could sit down comfortably and walk around with this lovely plug inserted. I wouldn’t say it would be a plug I would leave the house with while wearing, but it is nice knowing I can wear it and still walk around my home in, or sit down with my laptop. 

Specifications (all specifications are approximate)

• Length: 4.7 (inches)
• Insertable Length: 4.2 (inches)
• Width: 1.4 (inches)
• Weight: 3.6 (ounces)

Now, came the fun part! I started by slowly pulling and pushing the Twist back and forth, eventually letting it pop out of my anus. I started twisting the corkscrew plug inside me. I had to know if it would be uncomfortable. It felt very different, a little strange at first. The more I played with my anus however, the looser it got. I found that the plug would naturally twist in and out of my ass as I pushed and pulled. I began fucking my anus with the Twist faster and I reached for a finger vibe to stimulate my clit. I had a fluttering orgasm while fucking my ass with the Twist. 

The Crystal Twist, in my opinion, makes an excellent plug for D/s couples. It’s unique shape makes for very unique sensation play. I wouldn’t limit it to the D/s world though. This is most definitely a plug for anal play among people of all kinks or non kinks. I think it’s best used on someone by someone. Of course, I did have a lot of fun with it on my own, so I wouldn’t say that’s a terrible idea. *wink* I just recognize that this is most definitely a plug that could make for great anal play when used with more than one person.  

Because the Twist is made of pyrex glass, it is easily cleaned with soap and water. However, just recognize that a little extra attention is needed when cleaning this toy due to the corkscrew shape. It is not, however, more difficult to clean. Also, because of it’s corkscrew shape, just realize that more *ahem* air will be traveling into the anus as you thrust in and out. 

Would I recommend the Crystal Twist Mini Plug to someone looking for something more than the average plug? Heck yeah I would! It’s unique shape and design makes for wonderful sensations. Plus the pretty Swarovski elements (available in 8 colors), tops it all off. Interested in getting one of your own? Get a Crystal Mini Plug here. Or maybe you’re looking for something different?

 

The Zones of Celebrity

And now for something completely different…

Okay, before you start mocking me, I admit, i have my vices – bad reality TV is one of them. After this last seasons of America’s Next Top Model (cycle 17 – the All Star cycle!) where I watched Tyra go on a mission to deprive every single one of the former contestants of every last shred of dignity they ever had, I finally snapped on the episode where they had to make music videos, interspersed with Tyra and YouTube sensation Keenan Cahill acting like idiots. (I really thought they had hid rock bottom when she tried to coin “smile” as a word, but leave to The Tyra to find a way to sink lower.) And, I think, that moment, where she was teaching her contestants to feel lucky to have Keenan Cahill in their videos, she showed them how low they really are on the celebrity pecking order. How low is that? Well, let me show you, with…ta-da! my List of the fourteen Zones of celebrity!

15. The YouTube Sensation Zone

Keenan Cahill, Ray William Johnson, OK GO, Judson Laipply, and Antoine Dodson. Go ahead…look them up. :-) The point is…you are on YouTube, and a small group of secret-handshaking people across the internet have heard of you, but every time they introduce you on TV they have to explain who you are and what you did.

14. The Clark Howard Zone

Think of your basic guy on local radio, maybe a comedian in your town, perhaps a college athlete. Somehow or another they blow up and they wind with a national gig of absolutely no importance whatsoever, but people are rooting for them because they are from THEIR town. And maybe, just maybe, someone from across the country will go, “Yeah, that guy. He’s from your town?”

13. The “On a show with Dr. Drew” Zone

You are cast in a show that in includes the word “celebrity” or “star.” e.g. Dancing with the Stars, Celebrity Rehab, Celebrity Apprentice. This is either your career’s last gasp, or a desperate lunge for stardom. Once again, you are still being introduced by what you were once known for, and you are either on your way to obscurity/the grave, or you are hoping to be such an incredibly transfixing train wreck that turns to glory that maybe, just maybe, your star will be invigorated. Being on Dancing With The Stars is automatic membership here. 

12. The Richard Hatch Zone

This is obvious – you made an especially memorable turn on a reality show. Think Omarosa, Jet and Cord McCoy, or Marcel Vigneron. You were either really good, really lovable, or really awful. And now no one can forget you…but no one can really think of another use for you either. So we all know your name, but there is absolutely nothing you can do to further your career apart from guest appearances again on the show, where you will be introduced by “Winner of the first season of Survivor, Richard Hatch!”

11. The Dr. Drew Zone 

You are a meta-celebrity. You aren’t really famous, yourself, but you are always there, interacting with celebrities. You’re a stopping point in people’s career. Other examples of this include Jay Leno, Tom Bergeron, and Jeff Probst. On one hand, you are well-known, everyone has heard of you, but on the other hand you’ve installed a glass ceiling over yourself. It’s good money, even if it’s not going to make you famous. It’s a parasitic sort of fame, but it’s legit.

10. The Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger Zone* (this Zone to be renamed biannually)

This is the zone for the small-time hero. Someone who has one moment in the sun, gets to be on the late-night punch lines for a little while, maybe a cover of Parade or People Magazine, and then inevitably gets a book deal which go to about #5 on the New York Times bestseller list (mainly because of readers of Parade), and a segment on The Daily Show to hawk the book, and, finally a 20/20 interview. Then you fade into obscurity, ultimately landing on a Trivial Pursuit card. 

9. The Michael Johnson Zone

The is especially for Olympic Athletes – people who are brilliant and dedicate their lives to something we only notice once every four years, like Track and Field or Curling. This is where is NBC’s wizardry at creating a twenty minute segment showing how you overcome polio to become a potential silver-medalist at archery is truly amazing – and where cable television has all but destroyed this category. (Pop Quiz: Who was Michael Johnson? Hint: Gold shoes.)

8. The Ted Kennedy Zone

You are the second/third act of the political family, less glorious than the others, but still noted in your own right  - though usually by the ways that you don’t measure up to the other carriers of your last name. Dan Quayle, Al Gore Jr., George W. Bush, and Mitt Romney (for now) fit this category.

7. The Jamie and Adam Zone

You’re a cult hit, but just big enough that people start to know who you are, though they sometimes need a little help. You are right on the edge of bursting out of your bubble, and anything could be THE thing. Think Jane Lynch pre-Glee.  Of course, this is the difficult plateau. A few wrong steps reaching out for the Big Time, and you’re Joss Whedon. 

6. The Kardashian Zone

You are famous, and no one knows why, and yet, somehow, we accept this. All of us. Everyone knows who you are, but no one quite knows why they do. Also “famous for being famous.” Granted, you might have helped yourself with a sex tape, banging someone higher on the list than yourself, or letting some naked pictures get out. Or, you just had a name like “Snooki” that made people ask, “Who the fuck is Snooki?” We are starting to get into some rarefied territory here – this is a zone people can sustain for a while, and even parlay into some real money. Just don’t forget to have something juicy “get out” every now and then so that you are a splinter in the social consciousness.

5. The Jennifer Lopez Zone

This is a very delicate place. You have been good at something, and now you try and step out into another part of the world. In poker terms, you are going all-in. Take Jennifer Lopez – a dancer from In Living Color, a surprisingly promising actress (after her turns in Selena and Out of Sight), and then tries to branch into music. While she did relatively well in music (compared to, say, Eddie Murphy’s Party All The Time), suddenly she was that singer who occasionally acted, and then, after a short stint of some bad decisions (Puffy/Affleck, “Jenny from the Block,” Gigli) she wasn’t good at anything. Compare to say, Oscar Winner Jamie Foxx, who has people saying “He used to be a stand up comedian?” or Mark Wahlberg (a.k.a. Marky Mark, remember?). An interesting case in all this is Justin Timberlake – his acting to date has been “serviceable” but he hasn’t really stretched himself, either. He is one Garry Marshall movie away from throwing his acting career permanently into second gear. (see: Cool J, L.L.) 

4. The Michael Jordan Zone

Now we are in the big time. This is reserved for crossover big-time athletes – the ones that people who aren’t sports fan know. The genius of this zone: you are now bulletproof. If you go on Saturday Night Live and just stink it up with wooden performances (*cough*Joe Montana*cough*), no one cares. You aren’t supposed to be good. And if you are even “less than awful” people suddenly start casting you in extra roles in movies. It’s really brilliant. The only way out is to start stinking at your sport, or run a dog fighting ring…

3. The John F. Kennedy Zone

The is political famous. You are a major politician, you have real, change-the-world power. People talk about you. The only downside to this zone: lose an election, and you immediately fall ten zones down the list. Hit a term limit, and that fall comes even sooner. Even the most publicly active of former Presidents, Jimmy Carter, barely gets mentioned. (presumably, with his wife as Secretary of State and traveling a lot, Bill Clinton is the most privately active.) But that time in the spotlight, you are unbeatable – you are always famous, always talked about. There is only the short shelf life holding you back. 

2. The OJ Zone

This is nasty. Now, suddenly, no one needs to explain who you are; we all know, we just wish we didn’t. Your name is enough. You are punch line fodder possibly forever. As I run the names off, just think of the grim nods you are making: Gary Busey, Bobby Brown, Amy Winehouse, Charlie Sheen, Mike Tyson. When Ari Gold on Entourage says “He will not go Dave Chapelle on you,”  you know you have reached this zone. Something terrible has happened, your name is now a cautionary tale of talent gone spectacularly awry. Lindsay Lohan, Whitney Houston, Mariah Carey, Joe Namath. Let’s move on.

1. The Oprah Zone

Simple. People refer to you by the shortest possible name because saying anything else feels trite. When explaining who you are is redundant…that it is the pinnacle. Will Smith, Gaga, Clooney, Madonna…You know it when you see it, no one has to tell you.

Product Review: Crystal Delight’s CAC Small Pink Plug

I’ve always admired the products created by Crystal Delights. Crystal Delights is a company that specializes in making beautiful pyrex glass products that are usually made even more lovely with the addition of a Swarovski Elements crystal. Their products range from glass dildos, paddles, and plugs, just to name a few. Today, I will be reviewing for you the Colors Against Cancer (CAC) Small Pink Plug.

As luck would have it, I won the CAC Plug via a Twitter contest. I decided the least I can do for Crystal Delight’s generosity, is write a review for the plug and spread the word about their lovely products. 

“The Colors Against Cancer (CAC) Small Pink Plug is adorned with a beautiful Custom Coated Glacier Blue Rose Swarovski Element this toy features a tip that eases insertion for unmatched comfort in anal play. The Pyrex glass adds smoothness that is unmatched in similar looking silicone or latex anal toys. The base is large enough to make sure this erotic art plug stays where it will give the ultimate in sexual pleasure.”

 I love the smoothness that glass brings to anal plug design. This plug, with very little lube, eases in and out of my anus with no resistance. Glass is also very easily cleaned. Though I do love silicone for other sex toys, I do not like it so much when it comes to anal plugs. Silicone can retain the anal scent even after cleaned. I find that I have to wash a silicone plug with a bleach mix just to get the scent of anal use out of it. However, a glass plug will not do that. You can easily wash it with simple soap and water. 

“Pyrex glass is nonporous so clean up is a breeze. Soap and water work fine. Or you can wipe it down with a lint-free towel moistened with peroxide, rubbing alcohol or a 10% bleach solution. Generally speaking you can sterilize Pyrex glass toys in boiling water or the dishwasher. However, boiling is not recommended in this case, because that would jeopardize the embedded crystal or glass medallion.”

As I sit here and write this review, it should be said that I am wearing the CAC plug and have been wearing it now for over an hour. It is a little different than the usual steel anal plugs that I use. The stem of the CAC plug is a bit thicker than what I am used to and the flared base with the crystal is also a new feature I am not accustomed to wearing. The first 5 or 1o minutes of wearing the CAC plug are a little bit of an adjustment. It is not at all uncomfortable, it’s just a different feeling to wear a plug with a flared base with a jewel inside. At first, it almost feels like I could not wear this plug easily out and about like I would my others, but the longer I wear it, the more relaxed my body gets. I have actually been doing a lot of moving around the apartment with the plug in place and taking pictures before sitting down and writing this review. How does it feel wearing the CAC plug and sitting down? Quite comfy actually. I feel absolutely no discomfort. I’m rather enjoying feeling this plug inside me. Crystal Delight’s states that this is their small plug, but if I compare it to my steel plugs, the CAC plug comes in at a medium for me. 

Specifications (all specifications are approximate)

• Length: 3.3 (inches) / 84 (mm)
• Insertable Length: 2.7 (inches) / 69 (mm)
• Width: 1.4 (inches) / 36 (mm)
• Weight:  3.9 (ounces) /  110 (grms)

So, I have been waiting a long time now to get my hands on a Crystal Delights plug. How does it feel finally having one? GREAT! I do like these plugs very much. Would I recommend them to our readers? YES, absolutely. The quality and beauty of these plugs is admirable. I believe in paying just a little more than you normally would in order to get a quality product that is going to last you awhile. For me,as far as anal products go, I love them being made from steel or glass. Crystal Delights has made a beautiful product in their CAC plugs. The glass is smooth, comfortable and easy to clean. The flared base is perfect for keeping the plug in place and not slipping inside and the added Swarovski Element crystal just adds that touch of prettiness. What girl wouldn’t want some pretty bling while wearing a plug? 

If that wasn’t enough, “Annually 10% of Profits from the sales of Colors Against Cancer toys support cancer charities.” Isn’t Crystal Delights a great company? 

If you are interested in buying your own CAC small pink plug, get one here, or maybe pink just isn’t your color, there is a variety to choose from! Or maybe glass dildos and wands are more your interest? Or hey, maybe you are like me and really enjoy checking out some fetish gear! Oh yeah, that fox tail plug… me likie!!! 

© At Longings End 

Adding some data

Someone amusingly called me a cuckold that Mina takes advantage of. I’d just thought I’d throw some data out there:

# of men Mina has had sex with since we’ve met: 4

# of women I’ve had sex with since we’ve met: 7 

# of men Mina has spent the night with since we have met: 0

# of women I have spent the night with since we have met: 3

# of two-male threesomes we’ve had since we’ve met: 1

# of two-female threesomes we’ve had since we’ve met: 5

# of couples we’ve been sexual with together: 3

# of couples we’ve gone “full swap” with: 1

Anyhow, for those who accuse Mina of taking advantage of me, I thought this might be informative. 

just get over it

Excuse me as I ramble. 

I’ve come to the stark realization that it is going to take a very long time for me to get over C. Odd really. I was doing so well. Sure I felt sadness when I thought of him, but the pain was going away. I seem to have relapsed right back into it. Yeah, it’s only been 2 weeks and one day from the break up, but I feel like most people are looking at me and thinking, “Get the fuck over it already!” 

I question how I am supposed to move on when every available thought I have goes to C. I have too much time on my hands, admittedly. It would do me some good to really find a lot more things to keep me occupied, but regardless, every available thought I have drifts to C. Every single one. Everywhere I go, every moment, I’m fucking thinking of C. I want to stop it, really I do. I try to tell myself to stop thinking about him when I do start, but that just makes it even worse. 

When questioning how I am supposed to move on, I’ve had several people tell me, I have a husband who loves me. Yes, this is true. I am so very thankful I have him in my life to be there for me when I really need him. I do hope people realize however, that C and my husband, are two very different people in my life. They don’t both mean the same thing to me. It’s like when friends and family try to console you when you’ve lost your partner and they tell you to focus on their love and support. Though this is good advice, their love and support is not the same as the love and support you got from your partner. C came into my life to fulfill my D/s needs. He became my Master. He was my first true Master. My husband is everything else to me. To simply tell me that I should just focus on my husband and find happiness there, is probably a very true statement, however, it belittles my time with C. My husband can’t fulfill or take the place of C’s role, just like C would not have been able to take over for my husband had things gone the other way. I don’t expect people to ever understand how much C meant to me. Or what he meant to me. No one will ever know that except for me. I can tell you this: C was an experience I have NEVER had before. NEVER. 

And you never forget your first. 

C was my first true Master. I spent a few years looking for the right Dom to come into my life. Who knew that moving into a completely different country would present him to me? I met C and things were electric. It was pure magic. We were meant to be Master and slave. The connection between us was one I have never had with anyone else. It came as no surprise that we fell in love. It was not our intention, but it is not a surprise to me that we did fall in love. A connection this strong, how could you not? 

But love ruins everything. 

My love and desire to have him as a Master instead of a recreational plaything, is what ended us. I wish I could turn it all off. I wish there was a switch that would allow me to simply not love him anymore. I wish there was a switch that I could just turn off all the memories for the time being. I wish there was a switch to turn off my D/s needs as well. 

Not only am I faced with the reality of my relationship with C ending, but so is my submissive journey. I had this brief and explosive time with C, when all the things I had dreamed of became my reality. Now, it is all gone. There is no switch to turn off my submissive side. I wish there was. I wish I could just tell myself, it’s over. It was fun while it lasted, but it’s over. Time to forget this D/s stuff and just focus on other things. I really wish I could, but I can’t. 

When people ask me why I am into submission or why I am a submissive, I only have one answer for them. I just am and it just is. My submission and my sexuality go hand in hand. Being submissive to me is like being gay. You just are. It comes to you naturally. You either are submissive or you are not. You either are gay, or you are not. Or, you can be a switch, which also exists in sexuality as being bisexual. I am naturally submissive. I have tried to convince myself to being dominant, but it just doesn’t work that way for me. Yes, once in a blue moon, I feel a little more dominant, but my core, what really drives me naturally, is my submission. There is no explaining why I am, I just am submissive. 

So it’s really hard to not only sit here and mourn the loss of C, but I also have to sit here and mourn the loss of my submission. I mourn a part of myself. “It’s his loss, Mina.” It’s my loss too. Yeah, you know all those great experiences you had, living out your dreams, really being able to express and explore yourself as a submissive? Really channeling that side of you, letting it all go and being yourself? No fear, just joy? Yeah, now let it all go and forget about it because it is over. 

It’s fucking over, now get over it already. 

© At Longings End

 

relapse

I was doing fine, honestly I was. I could think about C and, though there was always sadness, it didn’t hurt anymore. I was ok. I was moving on. I was healing. 

Relapse. 

Suddenly all the progress I made came tumbling down last night. The sound of wind and rain pounding the window above me, the quiet snore from my husband, the stillness of the moonlit room, it all came tumbling down. My body shook in silence as I resisted the ugly cry. I would not allow it. I would not disrupt the slumber of my husband just so he could hold me as I sobbed for my loss. No, not this time. My lips quivered as the wetness poured down my cheeks and collected into my pillow. I snuffled and wept and thought of C. I found little comfort in the wetness of my tear soaked pillow. 

My chest ached. I couldn’t breathe. My heart burned. I missed him. All over again. Here I go again. I can’t stop the thoughts. They come pouring into and out of me. I need him. I need my Master. I don’t need A master, I need MY master. I need my Master C.  I can’t go on without him. I’m convinced. My life without him seems unbearable. 

I think about the silence between us now and the anger, hurt, frustrations all come pouring over me. I want it to stop. All of it. He haunts me. Every day I think of him. Not just once or twice, but constantly. Make it stop. I can’t make it stop. 

I need him. I want him. Unbearable. 

I am weak. If he were to call, I would answer. If he were to knock, I would open the door. If he were to touch me, I would surrender. If he were to tell me lies, I would believe him. 

Relapse. 

© At Longings End