hurt

** Please note that the following is my expression of how I am feeling and nothing more. This is not an accurate description of anything C might be thinking or going through. I cannot know how he feels or what his intentions were. But I need to expel my feelings in order to move on **

I’ve come to the realization recently (and honestly I don’t know why it’s taken me so long to accept this) that men and women are truly two different beings. Our definitions of love differ. Men communicate differently than women and sometimes not at all, for that matter. In any case, today, I am deeply hurt. There are a lot of things I don’t understand and that makes it difficult to accept. But I have to. I have to simply accept things for what they are. 

It is extremely difficult for me to understand how C suddenly no longer wants me in his life. It’s like a switch has suddenly been thrown and everything we were doesn’t matter anymore. He made the decision that he was okay with demoting me to “plaything” and no longer having me as his “slave”. I know for nonkink people this is confusing. But think of it this way as a comparison: It’s like telling your girlfriend, if she wishes to continue seeing you, she now has to view herself as a fuck buddy. She no longer gets to be your girlfriend. She no longer gets to have a relationship. She no longer gets your companionship or even daily conversations. You will contact her when you have time and the need for what she can offer and then ignore her at all other times. 

This, for me, is a brutal slap in my face. I still can’t wrap my head around how C could change his view of me after all we’ve experienced. I made a point several times in making a statement of me being demoted as a “plaything”. I kept referring to myself as a “plaything”. I asked him if he seriously thought I could be happy being made into a plaything that he uses from time to time and then places on a shelf to ignore for days/weeks/months until the next use? And you know, not once did he stand up and say, “No, Mina, you would never be a plaything. I could never view you as such, it’s just … ” Not once did he stop me from calling myself a “plaything”. Not once did he stop to say, “Oh no, it would never be months or weeks between talking.” I honestly don’t know what his plan was. I don’t know what seeing him as a “recreation” means. I don’t know how often we would talk or see each other. What I do know is, it would all be according to his needs and his schedule. I simply have more time than he does. I do not fault him for this, of course. As an individual, he has to work and make a living, just like everyone else. My circumstances are a bit different at the moment. I am more flexible. 

It hurts going back in time, after the first time we met in person and had an incredible session together, to think about him holding me tightly as he tells me, “You feel like home.” Everything about us felt so right. Except for the first time we saw each other, I always cried after he left. I was always sad once he left. He used to tell me that “Our goodbye is simply the beginning till the next time we see each other.” I tried to remember this, but somehow my heart was always scared that there wouldn’t be a “next time”. It’s like I just knew this amount of happiness and perfection could never last forever. No person should be allowed so much happiness. 

It’s difficult thinking back to all those weeks spent wrapped up in each other. We spent everyday conversing throughout the day (when he could), but we always came together late at night. While our primaries slept, he and I spent an hour or two really getting to know each other while texting back and forth. Then as his life got busy, communication slowed down dramatically between us. It’s difficult knowing that, back then, it was not a problem for him to converse with me daily, but today, he can’t even be bothered with opening the app we use to communicate with each other on a daily basis. (I know this because our app tells us when a message has been read and my messages would spend days unread). 

Today, I check my phone daily to see if I have received anything. I know, it’s foolish. I have sent him a few messages since our breakup, but they remain unread. Of course, I understand this. He is not a heartless man and me telling him I simply can’t accept seeing him as a recreation and ending our seeing each other, has upset him as well. It’s for the best right now that we not communicate at all. I know this and understand. Communication between us right now, will just prolong the hurt and decrease the speed of recovery. 

I honestly don’t know if he ever wants to speak to me again. I hope he does. I hope once all the pain has gone away that we will get to continue being friends. He was an important part of my life. My experiences with him were life changing. I will always have love for him. I wouldn’t want him to be just a memory. 

There was a time in September, when I confronted him about the lack of communication. I remember asking him if the last few months were actually abnormal. I simply wanted to know if before was kind of a holiday and now is his real life. That his life is normally as busy as it had gotten. But he told me, no. He told me he is actually abnormally busy now. Guess that wasn’t true. 

It really hurts thinking about just a few weeks ago, when he began reassessing his life and all the things in it. When he was talking to me about everything, there was one thing he never brought up… me. So, this naturally left me asking him, “Where does this leave me?” I then told him, “I know that I am item 100 of the 100 items in your life. I was the last thing to come into your life, so I will most likely be the first thing to be eliminated.” He told me this was absolutely not true. He valued my presence in his life. He very much wanted me in his life. I was more important than being number 100. Somewhere between 2 weeks ago and now, his view changed, for I can no longer be his slave. 

It just simply hurts, knowing that at some point, I was very much important to him. I was his slave. I was a woman he loved. I was someone he valued and wanted to spend time talking to. Someone, I can assume, he enjoyed talking to and being in the presence of. Today, however, he no longer wishes this. He no longer has the time. If I wish to continue seeing him, I have to view him as “recreation”. There simply just isn’t any time for me in his life. 

I often have made jokes about this, but “love ruins everything.” Perhaps things would be different today if he and I had never fallen in love? But then, perhaps things wouldn’t have been so great had we not fallen in love? I don’t regret our time together. I never will. Regardless of how tragic our ending, our time together is something I would never wish didn’t happen. 

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I can feel myself healing. Honestly, I’m surprised at how fast I am healing. Perhaps it’s because I have been using the blog as a place to hold my own private therapy sessions. Two days ago, while in a hot bath, I had an “ugly” cry. Every time I thought about C and I NEVER being together again, it tore me up. Thinking about never experiencing all the wonderful D/s things he and I shared again, depressed the hell out of me. Through my sobs I said, “I can’t do this.” Meaning I couldn’t move on. I simply could not get past the pain of never seeing him again. And then, yesterday morning I had that dream. I don’t know why, but somehow, that dream actually brought me peace, when normally, I would think dreaming about him coming to me would rip me to shreds, emotionally, upon waking. Right now, I can think about never seeing him again, and though it makes me sad, I’m not turning into an emotional wreck over it. Maybe it’s because, in some way, I’ve reverted back to a little bit of denial, but that’s for a future post. 

© At Longing’s End