speed bumps

When Sylvanus and I started this blog, it was a place for us to share our stories and feelings. It has become much more than that over the years. Not only is it a journal of our changing relationship from newly formed couple to married life partners, it is also a place where people can hopefully learn from our mistakes or gain knowledge. Over the years, the best compliments we have ever received were how we helped someone. 

Readers have watched us from the beginning. Watched our journey into exploring D/s for the first time. Observed us opening our relationship to couples and threesomes. We wrote about our wedding day, our moves and finally our solo adventures with secondary partners. There has been a lot going on in this blog, but there has always been one common thread…. we always wrote out of truth, honesty and soul. 

Which is why I continue to do so today. Having an open marriage has never been easy. There are ups and downs daily. Identifying as polyamorous and actually being in love with another man, really complicates things for myself and Sylvanus. I can comfortably say we haven’t really been confronted with our open marriage and what it means till about a few months ago when Master C came into my life and we fell in love with each other. 

I recently read a post written by Emmy over at Right Turn Without Signaling. It’s called “Open Marriages Don’t Work“. It sounds really negative about open marriages, but the title deceives you. *wink*. There’s a few parts of her post that really got me thinking. 

 I have seen examples of where an open marriage was chosen and shocked the hell out of the couple when they discovered there were issues that only the open marriage could bring to the surface.

I have most definitely discovered this with my recent involvement with Master C. Though Master C is in my life not to be another lover, but to fulfill my submissive needs, it has still brought some things to the surface and opened my own eyes to my own marriage. Sylvanus will also tell you it has made him self reflect in his own character. I have started noticing slight differences. I have noticed things I enjoy with Master C that are no longer present with my husband and I am talking about things that are not D/s related. 

I’m not going to sugar coat things right now. My sex life with my husband is a bit strained at the moment. Don’t get me wrong, we still have sex and it’s often times great sex, but there has been a difference. We don’t have a lot of it and the passion is a bit lacking. However, this is “normal” for couples in and out of open marriages. Would I go so far as to say my relationship with Master C is the reason for it… absolutely NOT. 

While open marriage is not for everyone, neither is having kids, buying a house, getting a dog, moving to a new place, or making a major job change.  All of these things can cause existing issues within a relationship to surface, get worse, and cause the self destruction of the relationship.  None are the cause or a sign of a problem.  Just can be catalysts for kicking off the beginning of the end.

Let’s see… since Sylvanus and I have gotten married we have… 1) gotten a dog (ok that was before being married) 2) Moved to a new place (Upstate NY and now Switzerland). 3) a major job change (Sylvanus has had major changes in his career and I have lost my job)

Acquiring a dog has been the least of our problems, though it has certainly kicked in my “mommy” mode. The biggest change we have undergone is the move to Switzerland. It’s been the hardest thing for me to adjust to. We have no friends, I can’t talk to anyone and I have no sense of purpose, or a job for that matter. Our lack of sex and passion is merely a symptom of the bigger picture. This move has affected me and thus, affected our marriage. It’s affected my character and Sylvanus’s. Things just aren’t the same. This move has put a strain on our marriage. 

That being said, at the end of the day, it is what the individuals do at that time that really define how the marriage will turn out.  If people have children and realize there are relationship woes, they can let them consume them – or do something about them.  Those who choose the latter give the relationship a chance to survive.  It’s all in what the couple does with what they are learning about themselves and their relationship. 

I’ve already begun the process of doing what I can to fulfill my role here. I begin my German classes this coming week. I hope to have a fairly good grasp of the language by the end of the year. Once 2012 rolls around, I hope to be able to land a job in my career field, which may or may not be a challenge itself. I’ll cross that bridge when it arrives. This should vastly improve things for myself and make my husband happy, which will then lead to a happier marriage. 

Today Sylvanus and I had a serious heart to heart about all the issues that concern us and our marriage. I know he is angry, without having to tell me, that I didn’t take language classes sooner. I’m sure he probably thinks this all could have been avoided. Maybe he’s right… maybe he’s not. I wasn’t ready till now to take language classes. I honestly thought that I would learn what I needed to while being immersed amongst the language. Turns out, German just doesn’t agree with me. I am not picking up on a single thing, except being able to understand most of the items on a menu and pointing to what I’d like. 

I was also under the impression that we would only be here for two years. I didn’t think it was necessary for me to learn the language. I didn’t think I would be getting a job. I thought anything I needed, I could rely on my husband. This was selfish and foolish thinking on my part. Turns out, my husband hopes to be here for as long as the company wishes him to be, or at least 5 years, which ever comes first. My getting a job is not a necessity for us financially, but a necessity for my sanity. Depending on my husband to handle things and translate for me, well that eventually wears a person down and is also a key factor for a few problems in our marriage today. 

So.. no.. I would never say our open marriage is the problem with our marriage. We are just like any other couple out there, struggling to create a happy life together. Life threw us a major curve ball and now we have to deal with it the best way we can. Hopefully the sun won’t be in our eyes and when the dust settles, we’ll be hitting a home run. 

Here’s to, hopefully, the beginning of some positive changes in our lives. 

© At Longings End 2011