Labels suck, yet we all feel the need to define ourselves. We like being able to place ourselves into a category and explain our lives. I think I can safely speak for my husband, when I say we most identify with being “poly” or “polyamorous”. We don’t wish to meet someone just for sex and never see them again. We prefer to meet people we have emotional and physical connections to. People we can consider good friends and try to keep in our lives for an extended period of time. These same people also happen to be our lovers. We would love to meet people so special in our lives that they can be considered our “boyfriends” or “girlfriends”.
One of the things I have come to understand about being “poly” is that it encompasses a great amount of honesty amongst all partners involved. However, is that where it ends?
I have been pondering something these last few days and I guess I just want to hear the opinions of others. I’d like to hear how other people define being “poly”. Let me make myself very clear, I am not judging anyone. I have a preference and an opinion of what being “poly” means to me and I’d like to know how other people view being “poly”. Even if they are not “poly”.
Here’s the thing, my husband and I live a very open and honest poly life with each other. We think being poly means being honest. I’ve already written about how we prefer to not get involved with people who are unfaithful to their partners. It’s not a judgment call. We really don’t care that they are unfaithful. We just find that people who are unfaithful are not emotionally or physically available to us.
But here’s the thing: is encouraging people or enabling people to be unfaithful to their partners frowned upon in the “poly” community?
If a poly couple decides to get involved with someone who is being unfaithful to their partner, would that be considered the “poly” way?
Or what if you live a “poly” life and you encourage someone to cheat?
Personally, I don’t feel it’s very “poly” to be involved with unfaithful people or encouraging others to be unfaithful. I’d really like to know what you readers think, regardless of whether or not you are poly. I’d like our readers and myself to hear a different point of view.
Have I put a label on my label? I suppose it doesn’t matter much. We all live our lives in the way that makes us most happy and that’s what matters. There is no right or wrong way, but I’d really like to know other people’s opinions.
We are all wired in different ways. Part of my issue is that I try to be selective who I inflict myself on.
I’ve been on and on in this space about how I feel with regards to being involved with “people who having sex with people besides their partner who thinks they are monogamous in secret.” (which i clumsily referred to as “cheaters” in the past for lack of a better word) and I don’t want to rehash here. But it is worth questioning whether we are denying ourselves too much by taking this sharp rule.
I don’t know the answer to that.
It’s an interesting quandary, Mina & Sylvanus. I’ve actually been thinking about what poly means for a while. I’ve come to the rather unsatisfying conclusion that there is no easy answer. It means a different thing to each couple or each person.
Your level of polyamourity (sp?) is not something that I would be inclined to practice myself, but it works for you. However, I think if people are really honest, there is a certain amount of poly in all marriages. For some, it’s just checking someone out, for some it’s flirting, for some it’s an occasional threesome; I could go on, but you get my point. We all have different lines that we are willing to cross.
I think you guys have one thing absolutely right, not just for you, but for every relationship, romantic or otherwise. HONESTY. Any relationship that isn’t open and honest is destined for failure.
When my husband and I first starting exploring an open relationship, in the early days, I was not sure where I fell on this continuum. Today, about 5-8 years in, for me, I draw a line at being with someone who is not being honest with their other partners. Regardless of what they call this behavior pattern or not, I only want to be with people who are devoting their energies to maintaining honest relationships.
I am not a fan of labels either, BUT I think, if we as people who identify and are living honest non-monogamous lives, if we ever want to have society at large to see that our choices are valid, then we have to conduct ourselves in a way that fits with what we say. How can we identify as polyamorous – define it as consensual non-monogamy and then engage in relationships based, in part, in deceit.
For me, I cannot reconcile a relationship grounded in deceit, so I don’t go there.
Great post – very thought provoking on this rainy Monday.
I agree with the sentiment above. In our (my and my wife’s) world, there has to be complete open and honest communication among all partners. Yes sometimes that level of honesty can hurt, but I think it is needed. Also, if a potential partner is “cheating”, then for us, they are not a viable partner. Sadly my wife had to go through this first hand as a year long relationship had to be tanked as we found out he was being dishonest not only to his wife, but me and my wife as well. It sucked but in the end, it was better to cut the emotional tie now rather than later.
I had a partner, who I think was being less than honest with his wife and with me. I do not doubt they had an open marriage, but I think he hedged when cornered and quizzed about his feelings for me. I think he down played them, tried to back out, claiming work, all sorts of things, this led to him being deceitful with me and it ended in bloody train wreck.
After that experience, I swore, I would never get involved with someone – until I was certain how their partners felt about me. This didn’t exactly turn out as I would have liked with my current partner, but it is, for me, really the way I prefer to relate to my partners and their partners.
Just last week, my husband and I entertained his new amour and her husband. We had a wonderful dinner and great conversation. It feels better this way to me… it just does. Everyone with the cards out on the table.
I define poly much the same as you. I look for friendships with a physical side, that last. However, my boyfriend and I operate a bit differently I’ve noticed. Our relationship is more of a brother sister relationship, we have not had sex for 11 years (been together for twelve had sex 3 times, we’re just not compatible that way). He is an exhibitionist and is extremely touch adverse, hates even hugs. We’re friends only. So, while he has other women in his life his level of involvement is likely less than I wish to have with a man. He is also not as open. I would tell him everything, and often to his chagrin I do. It’s a side effect to my Asperger’s. I have this odd pressing need to inform. He takes it in stride. He knows it’s a need for me. It’s almost impossible for Aspies to lie. If we do, 30 minutes later we will need to tell you we lied, just can’t do it. He would prefer to give and have limited information. We sort of do our own thing, have our own twitter accounts etc with no connection between the two. As a result, unless his date comes to the house to collect him… I may only know he is going out with a woman, but I usually don’t know who or what they did. Rarely, do I know more than a first name if that. We just know the other exists. He tends to attract women who call repeatedly at 3am so really this is a good thing. :) So far I’ve only been with one other man, personally. My bf dates far more than me. Which is okay. I’m after quality, not to mention companionship and touch to the complete the picture I lack at home. I’m in no rush. The label poly has begun to serve as a protective cloak shielding me from those who just want a booty call. Lust doesn’t happen for me outside the bounds of friendship, there’s only fear. I have to take things slowly. This is too slow for most that would cheat I’ve found so overall the idea of being with them proves moot even if I do have an inkling to try it. I have no judgement against them, but I do encourage them to be honest so that may be annoying too. Apparently, not everyone can talk to their partner about being open over a burrito like I can. :) So that poly label seems to act as a handy sifter, only I’m sifting out chunks of people not flour. Perhaps, not all encompassing as a label, but for me, definitely useful.
I am single but still have the same basic idea of a “poly” relationship. If one of the couple is in a relationship with someone cheating on their spouse who is NOT poly then that wouldn’t in my eyes be the poly way as it would mean someone is not fully honest some a spouse/partner.
I’m not poly. I’m celibate, not for any philosophical reasons but through apathy. But philosophically I’m in favour of polyamory. In an ideal world everybody would love everybody else and physical expressions of such love would not be seen as inappropriate.
I think that dishonesty is betrayal, but sexual intercourse if it doesn’t involve lying or the breaking of a pact, is in no way a betrayal. To me, if a man tells his partner that he was working late when he was in fact drinking with his male friends, that is a betrayal as serious as sexual infidelity. A relationship can only exist when it is based on a shared reality, when that reality is compromised by dishonesty it is eaten away.
The most important aspect of sex, I think, is intimacy. Which makes it strange that we might feel a partner’s sexual intimacy with another person as a threat in a way that we would not feel their intimacy with their same sex friends or their psychiatrist is a threat.
Personal insecurity is always the base problem. If we were not insecure about ourselves we would place no expectations on others to be faithful to us, but we are insecure and so we do.
This is a difficult one. My husband is not looking for another partner, but I have one, my husband is fine about it & opened up our door for him to visit. They are both military, one being in the Airforce & one in the Army, so they often have plenty in common to talk about. I love them both very much & would fight for them both.
BUT, my lover hasn’t informed his wife of the fact. I know people are going to probably say that he is a cheater, but, my lover does not share the marital with his wife, He hasn’t for
many years now. We have been in this relationship for 6 years now, we both know that we will never separate from our partners for each other. I do not expect anything from him & vice versa. We meet when we can, speak to each other most days & usually chat online daily. It works for us, I know most people will probably slate me for it, but it’s my life & I am happy with it.
Heilan,
I thank you for your comment. It takes a lot of courage to come out and tell the truth about how you live your life. I appreciate the different points of views.
How you live your life is really up to you. I don’t judge you for it. It just wouldn’t work for me.
Again, thank you for your point of view. :)
I understand you not wanting to get involved with people who are attached & being unfaithful. What you say is true, they are not fully available and they come with more baggage than you want.
My understanding of poly is that each of the partners fill a need, even if it is merely friendship, with some benefits. IMO one does not always have to be “available” for that; a deep friendship, with benefits, can meet poly needs and still not interfere with the other relationship. As you know everyone’s situation is different and I feel none of us has the right to judge another until we are in their exact place, which of course can never happen since feelings and experiences are never the same. Your post makes me question the use of the words “cheat” and “unfaithful”. These are societys words, based on years of the assumption that we are supposed to be attached to 1 person at a time, and of course now there is talk of that “theory” not being true to the real human nature. So I wonder; is even using those words a expression of judgement?
Yes, you make some valid points. However, my purpose for this post is… Is it very “poly-like” to encourage the unfaithfulness of others or enable it? And in this case, yes you are sleeping with them.
Ah.. here we go again… you know, it’s really funny.. I used the word “cheater” in my last post and I got reprimanded for it. I use the word “unfaithful” and I am said to be “judgmental” again. *sigh* do YOU have a better word for and I quote my husband from his post here: “person in a presumptively monogamous relationship having sexual relationships with other people in secret.” Even the acronym (PIPMRHSRWOPS) doesn’t really flow.”
And once again.. my post was not judging anyone in the ways that they live their lives. They are free to do whatever they like if it makes them happy. I am curious and asking a question and wanting to hear some view points about what it means to be “poly”. Society does suck and comes up with some pretty terrible labels for people, but until someone comes up with a new term that represents “person in a presumptively monogamous relationship having sexual relationships with other people in secret”, I’m going to have to use the terms society has provided us in order for people to understand what I am writing about.
Mina I am sorry if I appeared to be attacking you or your post, I was not. Your post just made me wonder about the words, the “labels” we use, and you and Sylvanus are right, currently we do not have any other words to use. Secret poly? lol
My example does come from experience, I am married, my bgf is getting divorced, so for her, I fit into her poly without the same issues as if she were male, she is my “friend with benefits”. I am there for her, and she for me, in many ways, none of which interfere with my marriage.
Again, no insult intended, merely a musing :)
Beth
Hey Pretty!
Jay and I are what we refer to as monogamous with VERY selective occasional partners… But primarily we identify as monogamous. Polyamory (if u break down the word to it’s root) means ‘many LOVES’ so in my opinion, u can’t be poly if you are not being honest about whatactivities your engaging in… If you are cheating on someone by engaging in sexual activities without their knowledge or consent, how can u say u love them? Would u lie to someone u truly love?I don’t have that in me…Also, in a poly world… Can YOU love someone that u KNOW is dishonest with someone they already claim to love? In my opinion… Polyamory is used interchangably with ‘open relationship’ when the ‘love’ portion of the word is what sets it apart from swinging et al.
That’s just my opinion… From the bisexual monogamous redhead across the pond… Xoxo
G
I want to thank everyone who has left a comment thus far! I so appreciate the different opinions and view points!
I will also say that the reason this post came to mind is because I have recently witnessed someone who claims to live the poly life, encourage their submissive to engage in activities that meant “cheating” on their current relationship.
Needless to say, this bothered me and I was curious how people feel about what it means to live the “poly life”.
I’ve been in a lot of poly/nonmonogamous relationships and have had many friends in them. And you know what, they are all different. The ones that went badly or ended were because communication was terrible. Communication is key to any relationship regardless if it’s open or monogamous.
I certainly never encourage people to cheat, but rather be upfront with their partner ask them to open relationship or fulfill sexual/emotional needs etc. that may need to be met. And if those needs cannot be met in the relationship, then I encourage people to question if their current relationship is REALLY working for them.
It’s just not cool to cheat, ever and as tempting as it may be, it just doesn’t work out. Secret affairs are thrilling but what is the outcome other than heartbreak and feeling like an asshole? Not worth it. Be poly and communicate with partner and others you are involved with for the best relationships.
[...] PolyAnna: Can you be poly and be with someone who is cheating In late April, Mina at At Longings End asks and explores if being polyamorous is compatible with being with someone who is cheating. (The [...]