There are moments where I think about the rules that Sylvanus and I have set on our poly lifestyle and wonder just how much we are limiting ourselves. We pretty much have two simple rules: 1) open and honest communication between each other. Nothing ever happens without the other first knowing about it. It is safe to say that my husband and I are not at the “carte blanche” stage of our relationship. We don’t go out and sleep with people and then say “Oh, guess what I did today.” Right now everything is discussed before hand. 2) We don’t get involved with people who cheat. This is not a judgment call. We don’t think we are “better” than people who cheat. It’s their life and they have a say in how they run it. Heck, Sylvanus and I got together and discovered the magic of “us” when we were both still in relationships with other people. So yes, we cheated and found each other in the process.
Rule number one will never change. There will always be open and honest communication between my husband and I. That is, if we care to continue having a loving relationship. When we stop communicating and being honest, it’s a sure sign that something is wrong in the relationship.
Rule number two makes me ponder from time to time. Sometimes I can’t help but think how much easier things would be for us, if we were willing to get involved with people who cheat. I have come across many people that I had great chemistry and attraction to, only to find out they were married/attached and not in open relationships. Makes sense to me. The people I am attracted to are taken, because personally I feel I get attracted to people worth having in your life, so naturally another woman has already got her grasp on him. *chuckles* I just wish she would share dammit!
Just when I think that it might be worth considering getting involved with someone who is cheating, my intelligent husband reminds me of all the reasons why we don’t.
Simply put, we avoid getting involved with cheaters to avoid the drama.
I don’t want to be the “other” woman. Someone who is attached and is secretly seeing me, puts restrictions on the time for seeing me. I can’t call or text him ever. Or if I do, it has to be only during this time of day. Weekends are off limits. That’s family and wife time. It’s just no fun wanting to be involved with someone but having to schedule time just to talk, not even for sex mind you, but to simply talk and connect. That puts a huge damper on things for me especially, since I would really like my outside relationship to be a Dom. Frequent communication is an important thing in a D/s relationship to maintain connection.
I don’t want to be the woman who destroys a relationship. I know it’s not only my fault if I were to get involved with an attached man, but I don’t need the drama. I don’t know what his partner is like. She could blame me for everything and hunt me down to yell at me in person. I don’t need that. I don’t need her friends getting a hold of my address and phone number and calling and coming over just to harass me and make me feel bad. No thank you. And if I happen to meet this man through twitter or the blogging community, I don’t need a bunch of twitter people or bloggers going on a rampage and attacking me. Gives me a headache just thinking about it.
I also don’t want to be the woman who is part of an explosion of a relationship and the possible destruction of a family. “Oh but she’ll never find out. I cheat on her all the time.” (<- Yes, someone actually said this to me) It has been my experience that eventually, the truth will find it’s way out. I don’t want to be a part of the lie. I don’t need to feel awful in destroying another woman’s life for a few nights of hot sex with her partner.
People who cheat, are selfish. Period. I certainly was. We want our cake and eat it too. I was in a steady relationship, but unhappy with my sex life. I cheated to get what I had been craving. Of course, the only person I cheated with was Sylvanus and I ended up marrying him, but that’s not the point. Cheaters are about getting what they most desire at the expense of others (assuming they were to find out). But you know what cheaters? It’s not all about you and your needs. When you come across someone like me, who lives a poly lifestyle and wants more than few hot nights in the sack, you’ve crossed into the danger zone. Let’s say you and I hit it off. We have this amazing and close relationship. We see each other regularly and I am growing quite fond and attached to you. Then, your partner finds out and all hell breaks loose and everything falls apart. You have to end things abruptly and I can never speak to you again. So where does that leave me? All alone. The only person to console me is my husband. He has to pick up the pieces that you left behind. I have to mourn the loss of you without even being able to contact you. Pretty much leaves me in a hot mess that I wouldn’t be in if it weren’t a secret. Ok ok, so stuff happens even if all parties involved are aware of what’s going on. I’m just saying, the potential for a huge blow up is more, when people are cheating.
On the flip side, let’s say you and are still getting to know each other and things are getting very heated in emails and chats and the thought of meeting each other is an exciting one. Then your partner stumbles over your secret messages and reads how you want to meet another woman and fuck her ALL. NIGHT. LONG. Again, all hell breaks loose and I didn’t even get to fuck you yet! All the drama without the benefit of having fucked you! Definitely drama I’d like to avoid especially since nothing had even happened.
It should be said that I don’t have any problem flirting with people online who are cheaters. It’s the internet. If you are attached and want to have some fun flirting with me, go right ahead. However, don’t ever expect it to be more than an internet fling, because I won’t. If you are attached, and seeing me in person to have sex with me would mean cheating on your partner, we will never meet.
So perhaps we are limiting ourselves, but hell, the thought of not having standards and limits leaves my head spinning. I like my quiet and happy life. I’ll take my spice in moderation without the risk of explosions.
I think you’re right to have those rules, they would be the same ones I would implement if I were ever to open up my relationship. It’s not about morals, so much, as it is about not wanting to get involved in all that drama, as you said. Plus, one of the most important things is honesty and how can you trust that someone who would deceive their primary partner is being honest with you? That doesn’t make for hot sex – I need trust.
xoxox
It’s really well-said. It’s not about them, it’s not a judgement. It’s simply that the strain cheating puts on our relationship means that a cheater won’t be able to meet our needs. Whether or not the cheater get nailed, whether or not there is a big unraveling, we get left empty handed. And THAT’s the problem.
Like you said – no judgment on what the person is doing. We just won’t participate.
I have a 100-mile rule. I don’t sleep with anyone that’s cheating unless they live at least 100 miles away. Because I too do NOT want drama!
The one guy I do see lives on the coast (I’m in the middle of the country) and has a don’t ask don’t tell policy with his wife. While I do wish him and his wife had a more open relationship, I’m not having a relationship (per se) with him, and our once-every-few months evenings fit in my life quite nicely.
Then again, I’m not really looking for a relationship outside of my marriage, mainly because we have these two (adorable) tiny terrorists in our house that require most of our attention.
I never say never, but I’m quite willing to say NO when I feel like it.
Well, I have to say it – I don’t like the word ‘cheaters’. It just sounds really derogatory to me. I think people have a right to make their choices independently. Maybe it’s because it was so long ago that I ever agreed to be in a monogamous relationship I can’t even remember what it’s like. OTOH, I never discussed who else I was sleeping with with anyone I was in a relationship because it was never their business. I just believe in being self-contained, I guess.
But, what’s more, I think that people either bring their shit and their drama into your life, or they don’t. And whether their ‘cheaters’ or not, has very little to do with it.
Rg,
I’m sorry that this post has evoked such a strong reaction. Perhaps, I didn’t make myself clear. I don’t have a problem with people who cheat. That’s their choice and I don’t judge them for it and I do not think I am better than they are. I cheated many times in my past life before meeting Sylvanus. Would it have been more pleasing had I used a more intelligent word for “cheater”?
It’s true that people can bring their drama into my life whether they are cheating or not.. I still have much more of this lifestyle to explore. We have only been active in this lifestyle for nearly 2 years and there is very little we have experienced. But, I can say this.. anytime we have ever run into an issue or drama, it has always involved people being unfaithful to their partners and lying to us as well.
It is merely our personal preference and rule that we do not get involved with those unfaithful. That is how we run our open marriage, while other people run theirs differently. Different strokes for different folks.
xo mina
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Having been in a relationship where i’ve known there were secrets, have been sure there were secrets, have wondered whether to ask, wondered whether to snoop, i’m glad i’m in the relationship that i now am.
By it’s very nature it is so open and honest. I have a girlfriend and she has a husband and we are all getting to know each other and work out how to make it work. It’s such a relief to know that there is honesty right at the core of this poly relationship.
#WeightLifted
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