Submissive Hazard

It’s been an interesting few days. With Mina’s recent explosion of sexual desire, both of us have seen more and more people reaching out to us to make contact in the online world. And with that, we have rediscovered many of the hazards of young D/s relationships.

*Big, fat, fucking disclaimer: what I’m about to say generalizes D/s relationships. Yes, I know that’s a ridiculous thing to do. Yes, I know your relationship is the exception to the rule. If you feel like I am dead wrong, the fact that your life does not fit this description does not mean that what I am about to say is not absurdly common. I still encourage you, little snowflake, to go forth and be happy, and I will be happy for you. Truly, I will. I have no desire to drag you down. But If I can help one person, or one couple avoid careening into a painful, possibly destructive wall that I have seen dozens slam into, that’s more important than whether or not I hurt your feelings.*

The Leash Moment

Imagine a dog that is tied to a lead in the backyard. One day, you swap the lead out, and give him one that is four times as long. He happily runs all over the yard, enjoying the newfound freedom, until one day he goes to chase a rabbit, and YANK, hits the end, choking, legs flying up and landing in a heap. At this point, virtually every submissive reading this is probably nodding. You know what it’s like: a fresh new relationship where all of those uncomfortable constraints from your more-vanilla past are gone, you feel like you can do anything.

Only – you can’t do anything. Turns out there are limits, only these are more painful, because you got going so much faster than before, you had hope, you thought you could get there. And, sometimes, that rush past the boundary is so fast, and it goes so far, that the relationship can’t survive. The grudge never dies. Eventually, though, the relationship does, only now the tailspin is so much more brutal because, you should have known. You can’t stop kicking yourself.

For dominants, it takes a different form. You have a great new sub. They take more beatings, more roughness, more of everything with not so much as a peep. You are rolling farther and farther, and you’ve actually gone past the point of too far. Only, the little subbie doesn’t say a word. Now it is happening in degrees of “too far,” until one day it is SO much more than can be handled that finally some words bubble up from below. And maybe, you decide to punish those words. Or, they are like a lightning bolt, turning your world upside down as you suddenly become aware of how perilous a string your relationship dangles from. That’s the leash.

The Ethereal Gag

This is another classic. The scene is over. Everyone is coming off of their drop, and relaxing together. Something is nagging at you, but somehow you can’t seem to say anything. Not the next day, either. It’s like that damned gag is still in your mouth. We all know, a Dom deals, and a sub takes it. But sometimes, there’s something wrong. Only no one says anything. The “scene” never ends. Day after day, the wrongness festers. The sub begins turning over the fight in their head – do they have the right to say anything. Maybe the Dom knows, but wonders if it is appropriate to ask. Suddenly people have reversed from the course that got them into this relationship: they are ignoring their instincts.

Every relationship lives or dies on communication, D/s or otherwise. With the incredible intimacy that the D/s structure brings, it also can shut down the lifeblood of the relationship. I guess, now, comes the rant:

When I hear people busting out the vocabulary from Gor, talking about being a kajira or some such, a warning light goes off in my head. It’s just like someone describing themselves as an elf, Vulcan, Galtian, or Jedi. It really says you lack some perspective about the world, and are using something completely inappropriate as a model for how you should behave. Whenever you’re ready, we’ll welcome you back to the real world, population: everybody.

I don’t begrudge anyone some good roleplay. And hell, if you want to use Gor for sexual roleplay, that’s probably better than Hunter S. Thompson or Christopher Hitchens. But seriously, when you are trying to solve real problems, a little less John Norman (and a little less John the Baptist, while I’m at it), and little more honesty, please.

The Steven King Moment

You wake up on a nearly-empty plane in a world being consumed by “langoliers.” No, you are one of a very small number of people to survive a massive plague. Wait, you were tragically injured in a car accident and you are now trapped in the home of a psychopath.

Every Steven King novel feature a powerful sense of isolation, that you have been pared off the world and you are now alone. Jumping into the D/s realm does the same. Suddenly you have a relationship no therapist will help with. You can’t talk to mom, because she won’t understand. Really, who can you talk to? You are performing without a net here, and it can feel like no one understands.

This is why the community is so important, even opinionated, dismissive misanthropes like me. The worst thing you can do is isolate yourself further, and disappear from the world, and think you are the only going through. You’re not – and you are not broken, damaged, abnormal, or anything else dysfunctional for feeling the way you do. Engaging in D/s play is a brave thing, and expression of individual honesty and trust that most people can never get to, and you should treasure the other people who do understand you.

The Panacea

This is the risk people undertake doubly in high-protocol homes, 24/7 lifestyle D/s, and the rest of the extremes. See, here is the thing about D/s:

You’re drinking poison.

Now, as any doctor will tell you, poison is in the dose. Too much of anything (even water) can kill you, but the right amount can cure you. In the D/s world you are choosing to engage in destructive, dangerous behaviors (physical abuse, psychological neglect, asymmetric relationships) in a consensual manner, in doses that are not only not lethal, but actually enhance your relationship. But never mistake what it is, or how close to the edge of doing real damage you might be.

But, in the D/s world, it is easy to solve everything with a spanking. Fight with your husband? Spanking. Boss yelled at you? Spanking. Mom mad at you? Spanking. Lost money playing poker? Spanking. Real problems need real solutions. Just as a headache is not your body telling you that you are low on aspirin, every problem in your life is not solved with a beating and fucking.

Even if it does make you feel better.

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This is not meant to be all-inclusive. Every D/s relationship suffers from the same problems as “normal” relationships (if there is such a thing), but adding the layer of D/s can create so many traps. I’ve seen a lot of people slip and fall in them, and get really hurt – that’s the risk with D/s. You are taking off all of the safety gear society gave you and living on the edge, and it can be a long way to fall. If you see a little bit of yourself here, then I’ve done some good. That doesn’t suck.