Dear Horny Person

This post sucks, but I published it anyway.

Hi there. It’s me, Sylvanus. You might know me as Mina’s husband, or simply “that guy.” Alternatively, you might be that chick who knows I have a really cool wife out there. Her name’s Mina. She’s here, too. Nice to meet you.

Now, we know the concept of our open marriage is both odd and alluring. And I know you can’t wait to dive in there, and get a taste of some of that “no strings” swinger ass. But, I need to break a few things to you.

Firstly, we’re not swingers. Or, I suppose, we hate being called that. When you think of swingers, you think of key parties, drunken nights of tangled body parts and indiscriminate bacchanalia. That’s not us. We kind of go in the opposite direction, actually. See, when you actually get all the sex you want, however you want it, the drive to wrap your legs around the first thing that will get naked for you goes away. You get the luxury of being pick, because you are not fucking to fill a biological imperative. You are choosing to enjoy someone who intrigues you.

Let me explain what didn’t happen. We didn’t wake up one morning and decide we were too horny, and just weren’t fucking enough people. It was a process, and a long one at that. There’s a lot of issues with telling someone you love you want to be with someone else…also. We worked on our issues. We tried stuff out, things worked, other things didn’t. We talked them through, we felt our way. Most of all, we told each other everything. EVERYTHING. The reason you do this is because you don’t want drama. You don’t want heartache. You don’t want to be going to work a zombie because your mind is stuck on something else, or you don’t want to find yourself on Jerry Springer.

Why am I telling you this? Because you’re probably really interested in fucking with one of us, and we probably are interested in fucking you back. But here’s the thing – you’re attached, and your significant other is in the dark. This means that, and we really are sorry to explain this, you have no chance. None. There’s a reason for this: we did not put all of the time and energy into sorting out all these very complicated issues to get this rich drama-free life, so your boyfriend could come pounding on my door furious about which pickles have been in your jar. Nor do we want to really get to like you, only to find out that your wife will lose her mind if she knew. We don’t spend all of this time in our lives to keep drama out so you would have a fresh place to bring yours.

And, incidentally, to the ones of you that try to reassure by saying it’s not your first sex on the sly: Are you trying to impress us? Because all you really did was burn up any chance you have. Ever.

It’s nothing personal – except that we won’t fuck you.