Holes

Once upon a time, I struck out a bold position. This blog would be OUR space. We would write what we want, and no person has the right to edit our writing. It’s a great idea while it lasted. Unfortunately, this wonderful policy would slowly, over the crawl of time, accumulate holes in it, like Swiss Cheese, or, as they call it here in Switzerland, cheese. Slowly there accumulates a list of things we don’t write about: toys we don’t like, most other people that we choose to sleep with. As our life and our blog became more “out” we started having even more troubles, and maybe the people we know my see themselves in what we wrote, or, more often, think they saw themselves in what we wrote. Or, other people come into our lives, and ask us not to write about them. We certainly respect that, as well.

But over time, these things start to accumulate. This blog is increasingly about the posts I don’t write:

• The near fling over the summer, and how the long time where things keep getting put off eventually allowed enough time for it to unravel.
• My creeping sense that I can’t be the person I want to be.
• My last real photo shoot, over a year ago, the epic social drama fallout, and how I haven’t had the inspiration to really do another since.
• The new job that taxes me nonstop.
• The drama with my sister at Christmas

When I sit down to write a post, I have this inescapable feeling that it’s time to write, with words almost ready to pour from my fingertips, but somewhere in my head there’s a green-eyeshaded editor telling me that doesn’t go on here now. Truth be told, I only have so many D/s rants in me, and the things that really excite me somehow seem inappropriate now. And, truthfully, there are only so many times you can tell someone to fuck off before people get tired of it.

So…what do you do, dear readers?

Submissive Hazard

It’s been an interesting few days. With Mina’s recent explosion of sexual desire, both of us have seen more and more people reaching out to us to make contact in the online world. And with that, we have rediscovered many of the hazards of young D/s relationships.

*Big, fat, fucking disclaimer: what I’m about to say generalizes D/s relationships. Yes, I know that’s a ridiculous thing to do. Yes, I know your relationship is the exception to the rule. If you feel like I am dead wrong, the fact that your life does not fit this description does not mean that what I am about to say is not absurdly common. I still encourage you, little snowflake, to go forth and be happy, and I will be happy for you. Truly, I will. I have no desire to drag you down. But If I can help one person, or one couple avoid careening into a painful, possibly destructive wall that I have seen dozens slam into, that’s more important than whether or not I hurt your feelings.*

The Leash Moment

Imagine a dog that is tied to a lead in the backyard. One day, you swap the lead out, and give him one that is four times as long. He happily runs all over the yard, enjoying the newfound freedom, until one day he goes to chase a rabbit, and YANK, hits the end, choking, legs flying up and landing in a heap. At this point, virtually every submissive reading this is probably nodding. You know what it’s like: a fresh new relationship where all of those uncomfortable constraints from your more-vanilla past are gone, you feel like you can do anything.

Only – you can’t do anything. Turns out there are limits, only these are more painful, because you got going so much faster than before, you had hope, you thought you could get there. And, sometimes, that rush past the boundary is so fast, and it goes so far, that the relationship can’t survive. The grudge never dies. Eventually, though, the relationship does, only now the tailspin is so much more brutal because, you should have known. You can’t stop kicking yourself.

For dominants, it takes a different form. You have a great new sub. They take more beatings, more roughness, more of everything with not so much as a peep. You are rolling farther and farther, and you’ve actually gone past the point of too far. Only, the little subbie doesn’t say a word. Now it is happening in degrees of “too far,” until one day it is SO much more than can be handled that finally some words bubble up from below. And maybe, you decide to punish those words. Or, they are like a lightning bolt, turning your world upside down as you suddenly become aware of how perilous a string your relationship dangles from. That’s the leash.

The Ethereal Gag

This is another classic. The scene is over. Everyone is coming off of their drop, and relaxing together. Something is nagging at you, but somehow you can’t seem to say anything. Not the next day, either. It’s like that damned gag is still in your mouth. We all know, a Dom deals, and a sub takes it. But sometimes, there’s something wrong. Only no one says anything. The “scene” never ends. Day after day, the wrongness festers. The sub begins turning over the fight in their head – do they have the right to say anything. Maybe the Dom knows, but wonders if it is appropriate to ask. Suddenly people have reversed from the course that got them into this relationship: they are ignoring their instincts.

Every relationship lives or dies on communication, D/s or otherwise. With the incredible intimacy that the D/s structure brings, it also can shut down the lifeblood of the relationship. I guess, now, comes the rant:

When I hear people busting out the vocabulary from Gor, talking about being a kajira or some such, a warning light goes off in my head. It’s just like someone describing themselves as an elf, Vulcan, Galtian, or Jedi. It really says you lack some perspective about the world, and are using something completely inappropriate as a model for how you should behave. Whenever you’re ready, we’ll welcome you back to the real world, population: everybody.

I don’t begrudge anyone some good roleplay. And hell, if you want to use Gor for sexual roleplay, that’s probably better than Hunter S. Thompson or Christopher Hitchens. But seriously, when you are trying to solve real problems, a little less John Norman (and a little less John the Baptist, while I’m at it), and little more honesty, please.

The Steven King Moment

You wake up on a nearly-empty plane in a world being consumed by “langoliers.” No, you are one of a very small number of people to survive a massive plague. Wait, you were tragically injured in a car accident and you are now trapped in the home of a psychopath.

Every Steven King novel feature a powerful sense of isolation, that you have been pared off the world and you are now alone. Jumping into the D/s realm does the same. Suddenly you have a relationship no therapist will help with. You can’t talk to mom, because she won’t understand. Really, who can you talk to? You are performing without a net here, and it can feel like no one understands.

This is why the community is so important, even opinionated, dismissive misanthropes like me. The worst thing you can do is isolate yourself further, and disappear from the world, and think you are the only going through. You’re not – and you are not broken, damaged, abnormal, or anything else dysfunctional for feeling the way you do. Engaging in D/s play is a brave thing, and expression of individual honesty and trust that most people can never get to, and you should treasure the other people who do understand you.

The Panacea

This is the risk people undertake doubly in high-protocol homes, 24/7 lifestyle D/s, and the rest of the extremes. See, here is the thing about D/s:

You’re drinking poison.

Now, as any doctor will tell you, poison is in the dose. Too much of anything (even water) can kill you, but the right amount can cure you. In the D/s world you are choosing to engage in destructive, dangerous behaviors (physical abuse, psychological neglect, asymmetric relationships) in a consensual manner, in doses that are not only not lethal, but actually enhance your relationship. But never mistake what it is, or how close to the edge of doing real damage you might be.

But, in the D/s world, it is easy to solve everything with a spanking. Fight with your husband? Spanking. Boss yelled at you? Spanking. Mom mad at you? Spanking. Lost money playing poker? Spanking. Real problems need real solutions. Just as a headache is not your body telling you that you are low on aspirin, every problem in your life is not solved with a beating and fucking.

Even if it does make you feel better.

—-

This is not meant to be all-inclusive. Every D/s relationship suffers from the same problems as “normal” relationships (if there is such a thing), but adding the layer of D/s can create so many traps. I’ve seen a lot of people slip and fall in them, and get really hurt – that’s the risk with D/s. You are taking off all of the safety gear society gave you and living on the edge, and it can be a long way to fall. If you see a little bit of yourself here, then I’ve done some good. That doesn’t suck.

Dear Horny Person

This post sucks, but I published it anyway.

care to help?

When Sylvanus comes home from work today, he’s going to put me on all fours and fuck me hard. The question is, what should I be wearing?!? Will you help?

#1 (click to big)

#2 (click to big)

#3 (click to big)

#4 (click to big)

#5 (click to big)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

sudden desire

Last night, Sylvanus went to bed extremely tired. While he snoozed, I read another chapter of my book. As I finished the chapter, I was ready to get some shut eye. I turned the light off and sunk underneath the covers. Sylvanus stirred and wrapped an arm around me, pulling me into him. I scooted into him and pressed my ass against his body.

What happened after shocked me.

Suddenly, my clit began to pound. I had an intense desire to get fucked. I moaned my satisfaction to Sylvanus and his hand drifted over my thigh and stomach. I wiggled my ass, rubbing it against his cock. His hand trailed closer to my breasts and I moaned louder, letting my arm drift out of the way and towards his body. His hand grasped my breast and I gasped. Our bodies began to writhe against each other as his hands clasped my breasts. The throbbing between my legs intensified and I was aching to feel his cock inside me.

With urgency, Sylvanus rolled me over and he was on top of me. We made out like teenagers, lost in each others embrace. I cooed with every pass of his lips and tongue on my nipples. My hand trailed to his erect cock and I stroked it. His fingers found my wet slit and I moaned into his ear. I needed him. I needed him inside me. No words were spoken, our bodies communicated our desires.

Sylvanus’s cock found my wet slit and he sank inside me. I groaned, aching to feel him fuck me. His thighs slapped against me as I arched my hips into him. My body wanted more. I drowned in his fuck.

He pulled out and flipped me over, putting me on my knees. His cock thrust back into my body and he handed me my vibe. As Sylvanus pounded me from behind, I turned up the heat and pressed the vibe against my clit. I felt the pleasure erupt from my clit and between my thighs. The feeling of Sylvanus’s cock pumping in and out of me sent me into a craze. I exploded into orgasm, not knowing when it began or when it ended. I felt Sylvanus’s cock throb as he released himself into my body. My body hummed for minutes.

We collapsed in bed, smiling in the moonlit room. It was exactly what I desired. I didn’t know where it came from, but was happy it happened.

“I haven’t felt like that in a really long time.” I hope this is the beginning of a reawakening.

-

p.s. if you are new here or just didn’t know, I have an erotica site and have been putting up some delicious stories. Check it out!

I Hate Zurich

There, I said it.

I have wanted to write this post fourteen different ways. I was going to do a playful comparison of Zurich to Lucerne. (two cities at the end of a lake, similar coats of arms, totally different cities.) I thought about recounting the story of a sprinting man in a suit wordlessly clubbing Mina with his briefcase, with not even a glance over the shoulder. I thought about doing a photo essay. I thought about writing a long post about the hookers on the street, and what being out in the cold in lingerie and staying warm with cigarettes will do to a person.

But the end of it is, frankly, that Zurich sucks. In a country dotted with spectacular cities on breathtaking lakes, the biggest city, who advertises itself as “downtown Switzerland,” just plain sucks. All over Switzerland there’s a simple formula of beautiful, well-preserved downtown areas on picturesque bodies of water, be they lakes or rivers. Even Basel, the New Jersey of Switzerland (chemical industry and a port) takes the Swiss formula to make a lovely place to visit. But someone, Zurich winds up just being Switzerland with its dick out.

It’s expensive, first of all. The third most expensive city in the world, and the most expensive in Europe. (The eyes of every one of our readers in London just fluttered at that.) Here’s the thing, though: there’s no good reason for that. The city proper has roughly the same population as Tulsa (under 400,000) and if you include a generous definition of the whole metropolitan area, you’re looking at something like Portland. Yet, somehow, the city manages to cost more than New York City, which packs twenty times the number of people into its city limits. Seriously, people, let’s take a look at all this.

Yet, somehow, Zurich acts like it has this New York, attitude. People run everywhere, plowing through passers-by. When we tell the story of the train station bludgeoning, no one blinks, except to comment it was probably a German. Car traffic is somehow more terrifying IN the car than out of it. This is a curse of the city’s enormous age, constant construction, and (admittedly commendably) extensive public transportation system. As a driver, you are in a thicket of signs, and roads striped as though a zebra and a tiger did a bukkake scene on 1/20 scale map of the city. As you try to navigate out, you have a constant sense of going the wrong way down a one way street, invading a road reserved for buses, or risking a head-on with a street car. (Incidentally – the hookers can’t help you here. Their German is somehow worse than mine when it comes to things that aren’t done for cash.)

And speaking of that…somehow, every single district of the city manages to be dotted with “night clubs” (brothels with the pretense of being strip clubs). It’s one thing if you are in decidedly sketchy Langstrasse area, where one finds Hooters Zurich, which is staffed by Koreans. Go figure. But even the central business district, the historical district near the Grossmunster Cathedral, above the childeren’s museum – okay I made the last one up. But only that one. And, one should say, it’s not as though their advertising is in any way subtle. Sex education in Zurich starts with being able to read an eye chart.

Now – I don’t begrudge a good time, or people who professionally have sex. But given the mountain of Eastern European women this city plows through, one struggles to believe it is simply the Hollywood dream of Romanian women to fight off hypothermia by dashing towards emphysema on the sidewalks of Sihlquai in between rapidly-financed trips to a camper a couple blocks away?

Let’s take a moment and be fair – the aforementioned Grossmunster is gorgeous. The deeply saturated stained glass windows are jewel-like in the sun, and the four Swiss Francs it costs to climb the tower are worth every Rapp. Their zoo, far on the outskirts of town, is tremendous. Okay – I’m done now.

The city has a large expat population, and we go there for meetups with the other immigrants in town. We pack into a miniscule bar, the frigid night breeze diffusing through a logjam of bodies as we all pretend this isn’t our place of choice by virtue of being the least-worst, while streetcars muffle our conversation and passersby stare in the black forest of Anglophones with that contemptuous “what the fuck” look only the Swiss have enshrined as an event in their beauty pageant. After a while, we get in our car, tell the GPS to plot a route home, and her flawless digital voice tells us, “what the fuck do you want ME to do?” since her maps are only up to date as of yesterday, and she has no ideas which roads are available now.

There…now I feel better.

Meet me in Lucerne?

bonjour depuis la Suisse!

Hello from Switzerland! Boy has it been a long journey! Before I knew it, the movers were at our house in Rochester NY, collecting our things and bringing them to a storage unit. I must have sorted through my clothes at least 5 times before settling on what was coming to Switzerland. On December 20th, Sylvanus and I, after finally getting the house cleared, packed our two cars, the dog and the ferret and drove to a coworkers house to stay the night. The morning of the 21st found us both making the roadtrip to GA. I had the animals in my car and he had all the luggage. My trunk became where all the spare things got thrown in. The night of the 21st had us staying in Virgina with friends.

The morning of the 22nd, Sylvanus and I made the final drive to GA and we arrived in the evening. We spent a lovely holiday with his family and my mother flew out to spend Christmas with us. While there, we returned Sylvanus’s leased car to the dealership, got ourselves a driver’s license for GA and registered my car with GA so that there would be no problems when his parents would occasionally take my car out for a spin. They are kind enough to keep my car for 2 years while we are in Switzerland. I still have several years left before my car is paid off. We also took the dog and the ferret to a local vet to have their health certs made up for the trip to Switzerland. This process took a few hours and we were all confused about the rabies validation. My animals of course, were up to date on all their vaccines, but it was hard to determine if the Swiss would accept them as is. To be safe, we gave them both rabies boosters even though they didn’t need them.

The day of Dec 30th, was a stressful one. We woke up and began repacking everything and making sure everything weighed correctly. Once again, I sorted through my clothes and left a few more things behind. Not a big deal since we will be back in the states again in a few months. We can always pick up these things on our trip back. We loaded the cars with luggage and pets and made our way to Delta cargo 4 hours in advance to our flight. We got the animals checked in and to be honest, it felt like no one had a clue what they were doing. I kept having to ask them, should I do this, should I do that? All I hoped for was that our animals were on our flight.

Dec 31st, we land in Switzerland, Zurich to be specific. I can’t wait to see the pup (and Tobias as well). Only, when we wait where we are told we will see them, they never show up. “Oh!”, says the lady behind the counter. “You need to go to the cargo area to pick them up.” Great…. I’m starting to get cranky now on no sleep. I can’t sleep on planes. So… hmm… where the hell do I need to go? Sylvanus and I get separated because his coworker came to pick us up with the company cargo van and it seats only 2 people. Sylvanus walked to find the cargo area and the coworker and I rode in the cargo van. Long story short, we FINALLY found the place. Now to pick up the animals. Ah, seems we have to give Switzerland some money for holding them, and then we have to visit the vet and then customs before we can have our pets. OK, money paid (ouch on the wallet), now off to the vet. I nervously wait as he expects the paperwork on the animals. He brings up the rabies, I show him they are all up to date. After a few ho hums and copying of paperwork and me stressed out beyond belief, we get the approval stamp from the vet, which means we can now got to customs. Customs takes a look at our documents, everything is fine, and yes, they want a little money too. Not an ouch like the last time. FINALLY I can see my dog and ferret. We make it back to the first place and Sylvanus goes to collect the 2 crates. I was so happy to see the two of our animals and so relieved to have them. We broke the rules a little and I rode in the back of the cargo van with the luggage and two crates so that Sylvanus wouldn’t have to take the train to our new home.

Once we got the animals walked and settled, it was time to get down to business. Switzerland is a bit different than the US. Almost everything is closed on a Sunday and Saturday was a holiday, so everything would be closed for 2 days. This meant Sylvanus and I had to buy our necessities on Friday. We made a trip to IKEA where we purchased a bed and all the necessities. We then went to a local market and bought some food for the weekend. Can’t even go out to eat as most restaurants are closed. There are a few exceptions, with US based fast food places being open. We wouldn’t have been at a total loss, but who wants to eat McD’s for 2 straight days?

By the time the evening rolled around, Sylvanus and I went to sleep. How was our New Years Eve? Pretty sad actually. We slept right through it. Well, sort of. The fireworks woke me up for a little bit, but I fell back asleep. Even slept through the US celebration. The both of us were in and out of sleep all night and well into the morning. It wasn’t until the dog came into our room and began whimpering that we discovered we had slept till noon! (Of course it didn’t help that I had pulled down the blackout shade to our bedroom window.)

So a little about the apartment. We have a very cool, 2 bedroom rooftop apartment. Every room in the apartment slants down as part of the roof and this is where the windows are. So the windows are at a roof-like slant, which means, when we lay in bed at night, we have a window above our heads and we can see the stars as we lay there. Also, the sound of rain is awesome.

We have made a total of 3 trips to IKEA within the week. The apartment is slowly becoming a home and IKEA furniture was my friend for most of the week. I didn’t have a phone, tv or internet all week while Sylvanus was at work, so building IKEA furniture was a way to keep me occupied. So was our new Kindle and card games on my DS. Obviously we have internet now and I also have a new cell (called a “handy” here).

It’s been a busy week, with many things to do and still need to be done. I am adjusting to life in Switzerland quite well. It should be said that the weather here is SO much better than in Rochester. Yes, I know everyone thinks it snows like crazy in Switzerland, but we didn’t move to the alps. One big advantage is we no longer live next to Lake Ontario. There’s no lake effect snow here. In fact, we haven’t seen snow since moving out here. Do I hate snow? No I don’t. With the yearly average at almost 300 inches, Rochester was on the excessive side. I won’t be seeing that here in Switzerland, at least not where we live. It’s been raining for the past few days, which I don’t mind at all. Today we made a road trip out to Liechtenstein. It was actually very sunny and warm there. Do you know how great it was to take the pup with us and have her sitting at the restaurant with us while we ate? Yeah, I love how dog friendly the people of Switzerland (and Liechtenstein) are!

kink academy ~ final

When one door closes, another one opens! As my new life in Switzerland begins, my semester with Kink Academy comes to an end. I hope you have all enjoyed my journey as much as I have.

When I applied to be a student, my main goal was to educate myself and my readers. I think what I most enjoyed watching, were the videos on open relationships and polyamory. It felt so good to see all the things I have felt expressed by others. Also refreshing, was to see that Sylvanus and I are definitely down the right path of communication. “Communication is the key” to pretty much anything working out.

I had a lot of fun watching videos on various sexual subjects. I do hope that some of what I wrote, helped educate others. It felt good to write with purpose. I don’t want our blog to be just about us having sex. There’s a lot going on in life and we get asked for advice quit often. It’s good to have a blog that also makes you go “hmmm”.

What I learned, is you can never stop learning. Even on subjects I thought I was pretty knowledgeable on, I still learned some cool new fact, or a brand new technique. Not to mention, my mind was opened up to a few different points of view.

I found myself watching a lot of videos, many of which I never wrote about. The point to being a student blogger was to apply the videos to my real life and there were things I watched that I enjoyed learning about, but they just weren’t going to be applied to my real life. At least, not at this time.

The one downside was lack of comments. Every writer enjoys hearing what people have to say about their work. I, for one, enjoy hearing other people’s points of views. I realize some of the conflict was that KA is a membership site. Hopefully, us student bloggers managed to convince some of you, to at least give the site a try. The one nice thing is, not every thing on the site is membership only. I hope many of you took advantage of reading and watching the things free to the public.

All in all, it was a great experience and I am honored I was selected to be a student blogger. It truthfully got really difficult in the last few weeks of my semester. The move and the holidays made it hard, but I stuck with it and I am glad I did. Thanks for taking this journey with me!