missed opportunities

Where I volunteer, I’ve developed a WorkCrush. I always found him attractive, but always assumed he was unavailable because he spoke of his children. When someone speaks about their kids, I think it’s a general assumption that one is attached to someone romantically. It turns out, however, that he is not attached. A few weeks ago I was present for a conversation with a coworker where she commented on how he wanted her to “hook him up” with one of her visiting CA friends. He smiled and said, “You know those CA girls, they are cute!” In which I replied, “Well, I’m a CA girl. I guess you don’t think I’m that cute.” His reply was, “Well, yeah I think you’re cute, but you’re married and unavailable.”

Ah how the wheel of assumption turns. The conversation ended there. I wasn’t about to pipe in and say “You make too many assumptions.” I’m not sure I’m ready to reveal my personal life to my coworkers. As much as I’d like to think that my personal life is just that, personal, I also fear that it would be frowned upon and held against me while trying to get hired there. It sucks really, if you think about it. It is socially more “acceptable” (and I use acceptable lightly) that I be cheating on my husband, than I be in an open marriage.

In any case, since that day and finding out he is available, I’ve been developing my crush on WorkCrush. Though we haven’t really flirted with each other, I notice him making an effort to catch my eye and say hello. Maybe it’s all in my head, but it’s nice to have a little crush to fantasize about.

I’m still deciding whether or not I want to make something happen with WorkCrush. It’s complicated for many reasons. The main one being that I want to be hired at this place and I don’t want to do anything that will hinder that. My unemployment is slowly coming to a close and I’m starting to feel the pressure of finding a job now. I’d like to find a job doing what I love and this place I’d be happy in.

If I do want to make something happen with WorkCrush, I’m the one going to have to make him realize I am available. I’m not sure how to, other than being blunt and to the point. In which case, I’m not sure I’m ready to do that. What if he doesn’t have an attraction to me? What if him telling me he thought I was cute was him just being nice? I did put him on the spot. I know he likes me as a person and enjoys talking to me and has confided in me about other coworkers, but I don’t know if he does want to be romantically involved with me. I’d hate to make him uncomfortable around me.

In any case, having the opportunity to say anything to him is rare because we are rarely alone together. I don’t get to work with him every time I volunteer, as everyone gets assigned to different units. On Friday, I was not working with him, but I found certain moments where I was alone with him. In which case, they became my missed opportunities to drop him a few hints of my interest.

On Friday, I found myself working with him briefly for about 15 min. During which time we got into a conversation about some interns. Where I volunteer, they also get interns and right now there are a few deaf interns accompanied with interpreters. Our conversation was about how the interpreters are NOT allowed to ask questions. They are there to merely be an interpreter and not talk with the employees. Mostly to prevent further distractions. However, WorkCrush thought this silly and decided to tell his interpreter that it was ok to ask him questions. In which case, while the intern went to the restroom, the interpreter broke the flood gates and asked question after question about the job that WorkCrush does. WorkCrush was blown away by the amount of questions and learned to regret telling the interpreter they are free to ask as many questions as they’sd like. There’s asking questions and then there’s asking too many.

I laughed at this story and let it drop. In hindsight, this became my first missed opportunity of the day. Had I been on my game I would have responded with, “Geez, had it been me, I wouldn’t have wasted my questions on your job.” I would then expect that to lead to a questioning look from WorkCrush, in which I would answer him with, “You know, I’d ask you, are you available? Want to go out for coffee sometime?” Hopefully, that would lead to some type of interest back from him, but if not, no harm no foul. I have my answer that he’s not interested.

My second missed opportunity happened at the end of the day. I actually waited to walk out to our cars together. We were alone, and just chit chatting about stuff and then he wished me a good weekend. I wished him the same, knowing he’d be working. What I wanted to say and didn’t was, “It would be much better if I had your number.” I held back.

I’m in a predicament here. I have a crush on him, but obviously things are complicated. They are mostly complicated because I want to be hired there. If I were just a volunteer not looking for employment, I probably would have made my move by now. Part of me is content to let him be my fantasy Crush and just let him occupy my mind from time to time. The other part of me however, really wants to at least try and make something happen. He’s the first non-internet person I’ve met that I’ve been interested in and quite frankly, everyone I have met through the internet has turned out to be a big fat nothing. In any case, next week is a brand new week. Let’s see what happens.