The Pernicious Math of Kink

Let’s do a little math, shall we?

Assume that 20% of the general population are serious kinksters.

Assume that 10% of them admit it to themselves.

Assume that 10% of them are kinky in a way that involves reaching out to others.

Assume that 1% of them are “cool.” (Meaning that you click with them).

So, when we lived in Los Angeles, these assumptions would lead one to believe that there are:

Of the 12,000,000 people in the Greater Los Angeles area 2,400,000 kinksters of which 240,000 are admitted kinksters of which 2,400 are public kinksters of which 240 are cool kinksters. This means that in Los Angeles, there was a way we could get a group together who were aware of sexuality, our blog, and we could feel like we had a nice social circle that wasn’t utterly encapsulated. But, even more, there were enough kinksters in general that you could have multiple groups of them in the city. Call it a “critical mass,” where you have enough people to get thriving kinky ecosystem. Los Angeles had enough for multiple critical masses, and you could have all of the different circles functioning and even thriving. This showed up in lots of ways.

In LA, we personally knew of five functioning dungeons (in the Valley, MdR, North Hollywood, West Hollywood, and Orange County) and each one had its own characteristic “scene” that we could compare and contrast. It takes a decent number of people to support a dungeon. You have to have a sizeable paying membership, of which only a fraction will actively use it and remain members longer than a few months, plus a few professionals that use the space for their businesses. After all, these places have to pay rent, and keep a lot of expensive equipment on hand, not to mention these place tend to require heavy supervision. But Los Angeles easily supported a sizeable network of facilities.

Further, you could go to a smaller site for finding “special friends,” where you had to know someone to get on, and there was a huge emphasis on the quality of member, and find a decent number of people who were signed on in our area. We actually dated two couples who lived in less than a five mile radius from that site. At any given time, there would be at least 40 accounts (usually for couples) online in the Los Angeles area, and every person on that site was hand-verified as real.

But now, let’s shift that math to Rochester, NY. The Greater Rochester area has just a hair over 1,000,000 residents. This yields 200,000 kinksters, 20,000 honest ones, 200 public pervs, and a sparkling 2 worth knowing. (And, it is entirely possible that those two are the proprietors of this blog). If that math were not grim enough, we could also reflect on the fact that, although New York is a blue state, the western counties are decidedly red. The more conservative culture, throws the above percentages into even darker territory. But now, let’s remember the concept of “critical mass” from above.

With the tiny PervPop(tm) of Rochester, there is only one dungeon (that we are aware of) – operated by Rochester Kink Society. This means you can’t be like a Los Angelino, and decide that Lair de Sade is too snooty, Threshold is too crazy, but Dragon’s Gate is just right. The leather-assed Indestructosubs are right alongside the delicate flowers, and the drama queens mingle with ultra-casual. And if you don’t like it, you are left with Hobson’s choice. But the effects of a small kink network get even more pernicious than that. When you don’t have enough people to support a choice, that mean that everyone has to share something that is never quite enough. It’s like the sex blog community – acknowledgment and acclaim are in brutally short supply, and any time something is doled out, it is fought over. In other words, drama ensues. Small social networks themselves cause drama.

Going back to the dating website I mentioned above, I found roughly five active members within a 100 mile radius of Rochester. So, like anyone else from the area, I canceled our membership. If there’s not enough enough people there to be worth meeting (and, keep in mind, in any given group, I only expect 1% of the people I see to be worth meeting for the possibility of going to our bedroom) then why bother? And, if there is never enough to get it started, there will never be enough to make it grow.

To add to this effect, the small, marginal nature of the kink community and the more conservative culture have created a virtual “closet” for the D/s and poly communities. Whereas in LA, we never advertised the peculiarities of our relationship, we never felt the need to hide them, either. Here, we have to actively keep the nature of our life a secret. There is the strange discomfort of having to lie about what we did on a weekend. Everyone here knows that on weekends I like to “keep a low profile.” That’s my usual cover. No matter what, I have an inescapable sense that if people knew what we did, it would damage my career. And yet, strangely, if people thought I was cheating on my wife, that would be less of a problem than knowing we have an open marriage. These psychological contortions are damaging. Andrew Sullivan has written heavily about how psychologically destructive the closet truly is (and he knows better than most, having lived through a time when his homosexuality HAD to be in the closet, and the act of telling someone was a long, sit-down moment) and it something every human being should read.

To this end, I have elected to pin my hopes on Canada. Some of it is the less conservative culture, but even more of it is the fact that two of Canada’s biggest metropolises, Toronto and Montreal, are just over the border at opposite ends of Lake Ontario. The math is just better – and better math leads to much better lives.

kink academy

I’ve known about and have explored Kink Academy for sometime now, but have never written about it. What the heck am I talking about? Well in a nutshell, KinkAcademy.com is a great place for educating yourself on all things kink! Especially all things BDSM.

The site includes such things as featured product reviews, recommended reading, video clips on almost anything you can think of from sex ed to how to properly flog someone, an “ask the headmistress” section and so much more.

What I am beginning to realize though, is that Kink Academy is so much more than a BDSM site. They have areas on sexual education that talk about the basics of understanding condoms to psychological subjects on sexual addiction. There’s even a section where women (and men) can learn about what to expect at a pelvic exam. There’s an area to learn more about polyamory lifestyle and their featured reading right now is a book on Open Relationships. Of course, this has my interest.

What makes Kink Academy unique, is that’s it’s not a bunch of blog entries and reviews. A large portion of the site is in fact video instruction. That’s right, videos! You can’t simply write about how to properly use bondage rope and techniques and show a picture, it’s so much easier to watch it happen in front of your eyes, taking you step by step. Some of the videos are instructional how-tos and others are simply instructional on a particular subject.

Right now, Kink Academy is about to start their 1st “semester” of instruction and they are looking for a few good bloggers. They are looking for a few bloggers interested in participating in video watching and reviewing for their site. This has caught my interest since I am unemployed and it is a paying position.

My interests in being a “student” for Kink Academy are many. As I explore the site, I realize it’s not just a BDSM site. There is a LOT to learn there from sexual education to open relationships. As many of our readers may know, Sylvanus and I aren’t the D/s couple that we used to be. Our adventures with Mistress Kyra were pretty much the end of a very active D/s lifestyle. His interests in Dominance have faded and mine of submission come and go, though remain strong. Perhaps this site can help awaken a few new things for us? Or, perhaps some of the things I learn here will come into play with some future playmates of mine. Finding a playmate is still a work in progress for me, but I have met people interested in trying more kinkier things like strap on play and foot fetishes, both of which I am a beginner. Kink Academy also has lots of information in regards to open relationships which is where my husband and I are focusing our attentions on and always looking to learn more. Writing for Kink Academy will also get me writing again. Sometimes posts flow right out of me and sometimes this blog sits stagnant. What better way to come up with fun and interesting things to write about, than my real life experiences of trying out what I learn from the Kink Academy site!?! (Ok ok, maybe I’m also hoping that as a student I’ll get some great school supplies too from their store)

I’m not sure where my standing is. I am not an “advanced” person in the BDSM realm by any means. In fact, it’s hard to put me in a box. I am more knowledgeable, than I am experienced. There are many things I feel I am very knowledgeable at, but many things I am yet to experience. I feel I am somewhere teetering between the basics and the intermediate section, though my knowledge of a lot of things can be advanced. I’ll let the experts at Kink Academy “label” me. *wink*

If you haven’t checked out Kink Academy yet, please do. I think you’ll walk away glad you did at least check it out. Or perhaps you are a blogger interested in becoming a “student” this semester? Check out the details here.

his hygiene, an opinion post

***Note: The following is merely my opinion. It is neither right or wrong, but rather my personal preference of my male lovers ***

So, you’re thinking of being my male lover? Let me tell you what does or doesn’t do it for me as far as your hygiene goes. From head to toe.

Your hair: In truth, the majority of my lovers have had short hair. I don’t mind if you do or don’t have long hair. Or even have hair at all! If you do have hair though, just take care of it. Wash it regularly. If you use a lot of stiffening hair products though, don’t expect me to be able to run my fingers through it, or even want to. The greasier it is, the less likely I will.

Your ears: So far, I have not had the privilege of inviting a gentleman with hair in his ears into my bedroom. I really don’t have a real life experience, but I’m pretty sure I’ll want you to take care of that. Trim it please.

Ear wax. We all have it. Some worse than others. I personally, clean my ears daily with a q-tip. If you want my tongue in or around your ear, clean it. If I can see the dark yellow clumped mass of wax inside your ears, my tongue is not going in it. (did you just vomit in your mouth a little too?) Let’s face it, I’m going to get that initial wax taste when licking the inside of your ear, regardless if they are clean, but that’s easy to get past. The more I lick, the more it goes away, but if you have visible clumpy wax build up in your ears, I’m not going for it. Sorry.

Your nose: Again, I do not have any real life experience of a male lover with long nose hair, but I’m willing to bet, I’ll want you to keep that trimmed as well. Keep your nose cleaned and trimmed and I’m happy.

Your mouth: Let’s start with your teeth. Take care of them. That’s all I ask. I don’t care if your teeth aren’t perfectly white or even crooked. I have an overbite myself and my teeth aren’t sparkling white. All I ask is that you take care of them. Brush, floss and mouth wash on a daily basis. Your dentist will thank you as well.

Bad breath. Nobody likes it. If you know we are about to get dirty, clean your mouth. *wink* Morning breath is, of course, excusable. No one can help how their breath will smell in the morning. If you are like me, you’ll get out of bed in the morning just to freshen up your breath in case some morning nookie is on the menu. *smiles*

Your hands: Simply just wash them. Anytime you are by a sink with soap, wash them. I don’t want to go to bed with the scent of a meal still lingering on your hands. I don’t want to suck on your fingertips and taste the salty bitterness of the work day on them. More importantly, if you plan on giving me oral that includes fingering me, please please please wash your hands before. There have been many yeast infections in my past because of unclean hands.

Manicures are not a requirement. Just keep your fingernails trimmed and smooth.

Your cock: Mmm I love the natural scent of a cock. I really do. However, I don’t like a day’s worth of sweaty funk on it. If you want my mouth on your cock, I’d prefer you cleaner than a day’s worth of funk. So keep it clean.

Your balls: Same applies as for the cock. Keep them clean and funk free if you want them in my mouth. Also, I like my cock and balls nicely manscaped. You don’t need to shave or wax yourself clean (though that is very nice). I would just enjoy you nicely trimmed. Excessive hair will not stop me from sucking your cock or balls, but I admit to preferring you nicely manscaped.

Your anus: In a perfect world, I’d have the entire back area of a man from his anus up his perineum waxed. That’s right, waxed. But it’s not a perfect world. If I had my way, his anus would be hair free, but that is a rarity amongst men, at least those not in porn. I like rimming guys if that’s what they enjoy. I’ll still do it if he has hair. So the same rule applies doubly for your anus men. If you want me to lick and suck on your asshole, please make sure that area is clean.

Your feet: Pedicures are not a requirement, but keep your toenails trimmed. If you like having your feet licked and your toes sucked, take care of them. If you’ve been walking around all day in sandals/flip flops and want me to suck on your toes, please wash them. I’m not into sucking on someone’s toes after they are dirty from a days worth of walking and sweating. I know there are a lot of submissives who get off on sucking their Master’s or Mistress’s toes after they have been walking around on dirty floors, but I’m not one of those submissives. If you have dry and cracking skin on your feet, try taking care of them. Or perhaps I can help with a foot bath and lotion. *grins*

Your skin: In general, I just want you to take care of yourself. I don’t mind if you are soft or rough. I just care if you are clean and smell good. I don’t mind if you smell like a man because you’ve been working hard all day. I’ll probably want to fuck you anyway. I just mind if you have abnormal body odor.

So there you have it. My own personal guide to male hygiene. Again, this was my own opinion and my own preference. I am neither right or wrong. Maybe I left something off… What about you? Do you have a preference? Do you differ from my preferences? Men, did I make you realize something you maybe didn’t think of before?

What We Don’t Say.

What people don’t say says far more than what they do say. To be even more specific, the times people choose not to say anything versus the times that they do. We’ve complained many times before about how showing a sliver of cunt in an HNT will generate dozens of comments, but thoughtful, interesting posts go ignored. But there were events recently that have made me reflect further on it.

A few weeks ago there was a small spat between a couple bloggers. These things happen, and, as is often the case, no one was on the side of angels with this one. But a line got crossed, and someone went a little too far. It’s the type of thing where I would normally make one of the very, very few comments I ever make on blogs. (In a typical month, I might comment once.) But here was the thing: one of participants had pissed me off recently. So, rather than take the stand I normally would, which was concerned a real bedrock principle of mine, I stayed silent. I didn’t jump in the fray on the other side, I just chose to withhold my support. It’s stuck with me since, because, well, I feel like I should have said something. It just felt wrong to have something matter to me, and let it pass without ever making myself known.

But, eventually, I had to turn that thought around to some other things. Since we moved to New York, I have lost interest in shooting HNTs. I don’t really have a good space to shoot here, where I feel like I can comfortably set up my lights and backdrops. Then, during my return from my last trip to Switzerland, my computer died (actually, just the keyboard and touchpad, but still…), and my camera was damaged. So, I have no ability to post HNTs, and my ability to be a presence online is vastly diminished.

On Twitter, I have increasingly also found myself slowly withdrawing. I’m less and less willing to engage in attention-seeking behaviors, and less tolerant of the same in others. It always happens, in a sort of cycle, that I get cranky with Twitter crowd and start pulling away. But, as I have taken my Twitter vacation, I have found myself missing it…not at all. So I’ve decided to extend my Twitter break indefinitely. There are a couple people I feel the need to keep in touch with, and I have. But the ridiculous frenzy for scintilla of attention.

In the same vein, I have begun to re-evaluate this blog. My absence from posting HNTs (now very long) has gone unsurprisingly unnoticed. While everyone notices when you DO post, no one notices when you don’t. There are no comments about the absence of my photography, the lack of sex posts, the lack of posts in general. The recipes page gets no comments, and no one seems to care about any of the recipes I haven’t posted, but I have named. Let’s be fair – it’s hard to notice the absence of things, and I virtually never go commenting myself. It’s not fair to take something like the Internet, which is deeply impersonal, make it personal, and not tell anyone I’m changing the rules. This is not something I have a right to demand of my readers, who don’t really know me.

But it is time to take these lessons, and figure out what the next thing is, because I think this thing is over. This is not an end to this blog, or a huffy turn on my heel as I shut this down. It’s just a recognition of the need to redefine, again, what this space is, what it means to me, and what I want it to mean to the internet. I want this to be like it was when we started – something we did for us, because we needed the place to express. This is something that has be satisfying on its own to do, regardless of the response it gets.

What that will be, I don’t yet know. Do check back occasionally and find out, would you?

the writer ~ an intro

After all my frustrations with finding a man on the side, I was determined to stop “looking” for someone. I have in fact stopped looking. I stopped contacting people. I have not, however, deleted my online dating site account. Allowing people to find me and contact me is different than me going out trolling for them.

A few weeks ago, I got contacted by someone local that I shall call The Writer. Pretty self explanatory there as to what he does for a living. He’s good looking, from what I can see in his pics. He is intelligent and talented. He also has a foot fetish. Poor guy. He’s going to be so disappointed if he gets his hands on my feet. My understanding is the amount of an arch someone has is a key point to the foot fetish. I am flat footed. Poor poor guy.

Anyway, we’ve exchanged several pieces of erotica that we have both written. He finds my work quite talented which is a huge compliment to me coming from someone who writes and gets paid for doing it. I also find his style pleasing and I like his stories. It didn’t take long for us to exchange phone numbers and we began texting each other. We have spoken on the phone once. He has a charming voice. The circumstances for our phone conversation was that he failed to read the part about my profile that said I was married. How he managed to skip that detail is beyond me. It’s the second sentence in the second paragraph of my profile. It simply says, “I am married.” I had to remind myself (and him) what it was he did for a living. Apparently “reading” isn’t always necessary for the “writing” part of his career (joking of course).

My being married and in an open marriage was not a deal breaker for him and we were set to meet for coffee 2 Thursday’s ago. He had to cancel the day before, as a work project came up and he had to have it complete before the weekend appeared. He was going out of town. He didn’t want to rush our meeting because of work.

I was fine with that and we made tentative plans to see each other the following Monday (last Monday). Oddly, I didn’t hear from him at all during the weekend. I took the time to send him a “getting to know mina” email that pretty much focused on the journey of my open marriage. At some point during my sleep Sunday night, I received a text message from The Writer apologizing for his silence and saying he was dealing with a family emergency. He also added that he got my email and he hoped to see me on Monday.

I woke up Monday and did my normal morning routine, once finished, I sent him a “good morning” text. I never heard back from him. Not a text, not a call and not an email. As Monday turned to Tuesday and so on, I was getting extremely frustrated. I kept resisting to send him a message asking him “WTF”?

Friday morning, I woke up to an email from The Writer apologizing for his silence. He was going through some personal things and having to deal with it. He becomes antisocial and shuts down under so much pressure.

I didn’t know how to take this. On the one hand, I can completely relate to him. I do the same thing. When things get to be too much, I shut down and become antisocial. Just did that myself earlier this week because of his ass. On the other hand, what he did was inexcusable. I went to work without answering him. I was letting things process. I wasn’t sure I wanted to ever talk to him again. I wasn’t sure I wanted to forgive him. I don’t care how fucked up things got… during the 5 days of his disappearance, there could have been some point he could have contacted me. A simple “sorry, life is throwing me in a loop, need to deal and will be silent for a few days” would have been nice.

By the end of my work day and into the evening, I got a text from The Writer asking me if I was no longer talking to him. So, let me get this straight, he disappears for 5 days and finally gets around to writing me something and expects me to jump at the chance to write him? Um, no. Late into Friday night, after giving it a lot of thought, I decided to write him.

I took my time telling him that I was disappointed in his disappearance. He could have just told me he needed some time. I don’t need to know his business, but he could have told me something was up. I let him know that things were undecided for me. Normally, I wouldn’t bother giving someone a second chance after such a huge mistake. However, I like the guy and I’ve decided I’d like to give things another try.

Perhaps I’m making a big mistake here, or perhaps I am doing the right thing. Regardless, he gets his one mistake. If he pulls something like this on me again, I’ll cut my losses and move on. Hurt me once, shame on you. Hurt me twice, shame on me. I accept that allowing him back in my life could be a mistake, but I can’t walk away from him now as I genuinely still like him.

We’ve exchanged a few emails this weekend and he seems to be understanding me a bit clearer. He’s even gone as far as to share what has been going on with him and admits to feeling so much better being able to share it with someone. I hope the coming week brings more positive things for us and that he becomes someone I can count on to be a friend. Only time will tell if it will be a friend with benefits.

What’s up with people?

This post is just me bitching about anonymous people who annoyed me today. Really. That’s it. It’s okay if you want to skip this.

Earlier today, Mina got an email on Fetlife:

” I am not particularly dominant…

…nor do I live nearby. But I have driven as far as Rochester in the past to get my dick wet, and I would not rule out doing it again.”

Really? What, exactly, is Mina supposed to say to this? “I guess that’s good enough for me? Sure, you don’t meet any part of anything I have ever described as attractive in any forum anywhere on earth, and even if I was somehow shot in the head, destroying my current personality, my childlike brain remnants would still be repulsed, yet I want you?” Here was her reply:

Was that supposed to turn me on and interest me? You could unzip your pants and stick your dick out in the rain if you want to “get your dick wet.”

Really, a round of applause. I wish I had thought of that. It’s her Gettysburg Address to my Gettysburg Oration. To which he answered:

I was trying to be deliberately crass.

Hard to know what strategy is going to work in these situations. But I find you have to pick a lane. And more often than not (surprisingly enough) I find that I get more pick up with crass than I do with polite and warm.

That was the end of the communication. Mina knows better than to keep the conversation up. I mean, I know the Pickup Artist shit about “negging” and what not…but really, people, that’s crap. You “get more pick up?” Boy, now she feels special. There’s nothing like saying “I am plowing all the women in upstate NY, and you could be next.” She practically shredded her panties with the wetness blasting from her.

Way to go.

—

Later today on a twitter a female friend (let’s call her @ffriend) asked:

@mydesire @sylvanus How are you guys tonight?

I actually answered about three minutes later. Before my answer got there someone had already jumped in:

@ffriend I can’t speak for them but I’m fine.

Once again, I have to ask, really? What part of the first message said “Please jump in and railroad this conversation.” It’s not like the interloper knows us especially. Or that it took us a long time to reply. Seriously, why do you need to butt in like that?

—

Not bad for a Monday. Who’s ready for Tuesday?

insignificant

I’m sitting here watching a blinking cursor, thinking I should write. Perhaps it will help make me feel better. Perhaps it will be my therapy. In all honesty though, I’ve already ran out of energy and don’t feel like writing.I am forcing myself.

It started 5 days ago … I had had enough. Sometimes you just get tired of reading the same shit over and over and sometimes it affects you more than it should because you struggle with it. After seeing yet another woman twitter about how horny she is, I was officially frustrated and tired of it.

Personally, I have struggled with the fact I am not perpetually horny all the time. There was a time, a few years ago when I first started dating Sylvanus, that I was a sex fiend. Today, though, I’m just not horny all the time. I don’t walk around with this need to want to be fucked. Do I want sex? Yes. If my husband wants to fuck me, do I deny him? No. Do I walk around thinking about when we will fuck again? No.

It makes me feel less desirable. I feel like there is something wrong with me.

When I see these women on twitter constantly talking about how much they want sex and need it and flirt it up with the men, it makes me feel less of a woman. These very same men, used to talk to me too, but their interests have left since I don’t send personal pics of myself to just anybody. I don’t exchange my phone number with just anyone and I don’t skype or cyber with just anyone. So yeah, why would these men be interested in talking to me? I offer nothing to them.

Do I honestly think that twitter is where friends are made? Do I honestly think twitter should be my social life? Do I honestly think that twitter is where quality people hang out? Absolutely not. I am not an idiot. I never took twitter seriously. It is what it is, an internet social networking area.

Now, are quality people out there on twitter? Yes, there are. I like to think I am one of them. Above that though, I do have some very close real life friends that I originally met through twitter. When Sylvanus is away on his business trips, twitter has been a way of making me feel a little less lonely. There’s always someone there to talk to and since I don’t have any real life friends here in upstate NY it has helped me from being completely lonely.

5 days ago I tweeted my frustrations and then went silent. Out of 2200 followers, I can count on one hand how many people noticed my absence and sent me a private message to check on me. Kind of sucks actually. No matter how much I tell myself, it’s just twitter, it doesn’t make myself feel better. Behind all the usernames out there, are real people. I’m not sure what to make of this. Am I following the wrong people? Are people so petty and focused on themselves and their need to “get their flirt on” that they don’t care to really get to know people?

Or maybe it’s me. This whole thing makes me double check what kind of a person I am. I feel pretty insignificant right now. Maybe I am not a very likable person. I know that I am not Miss Social. It’s why I don’t join the twitter cliques and get my flirt on with all the men and women. It’s just not my style. I pick and choose the people I like and advance things with them on my own time.

I have spent the weekend being a shell of the woman I know I am. I hate that this funk is really affecting me the way it is. I can’t simply snap out of this. It’s going to take some time and introspection. I have some real life things to focus on. Being in my funk though hasn’t helped. I sat down in front of the computer to write some “getting to know mina” emails to a few people who want to and I gave up and shut the laptop. Which of course, doesn’t help matters. I know this.. it’s a vicious cycle.

I’m exhausted now.. emotionally… not sure what to do now…

hnt~ one

One, only have to get through this one day, and my husband will be home with me again. The one I have eyes for, will be touching down at 10:30 tonight.