As referenced by my darling wife earlier, the extraordinarily erudite erotic editrix (and former “neighbor” of ours), AV Flox posted an unusually insightful article about what it takes to actually merit her sexual attention – and a lot of it fixates on the really stupid things that people do that every good lover would know better than. While, honestly, she was probably better served to keep that list quiet (why give away your secrets to the horde of men out there, one or two of which are probably a little resourceful) it has generated a lot of healthy talk, and inspired me to put together my own counterpart.
I put this list together, because I think that one of my strongest traits, as a blogger, a dominant, and a lover is knowing who to keep OUT of my life. Of course, I need to put my big asterisk in now: Like AV, and like Mina, I enjoy the privilege of being picky, for the simple reason that Mina never tells me “no.” Literally, if I woke her at four in the morning because I wanted to fuck her – she would wake up and get on her knees or back (as I wished) and we would have a moaning good time. So, for me, i never have sex because i’m just generally horny. Something about that person has to make me want it – with them. With that in mind, I offer this advice as a way to help someone truly stand out as a lover for any man, and not just conform themselves to fit my unique tastes.
1. Being hot is not enough.
There is exactly one class of women I will fuck on looks alone: those that look like my ex-wife (count so far: 0). And they will get fucked so hard that they will have a new gait for days. Everyone else, I’m happy for you, but looks alone are not going to do it. in fact, that leads to my next item:
2. Don’t make me compete for your attention.
Let’s be clear: I am not saying that you need to be waiting with baited breath for the next time “Sylvanus” pops up on your phone’s alert window. (Actually, that will bug the hell out of me, too.) If you only have time for me the second Tuesday of months that end in “y,” that’s fine, if I know what the deal is. But when I get your attention, I want all of it. (or, if we’re on instant messenger or some internet protocol, I want to feel like I do.) If you want to flirt it up with some other guys (and we are not working up a threesome), no problem, go do that. But don’t expect me to preen and put on a show for you to get you to focus on me. Just engage me, and only me. I won’t waste your time, I promise. If you need to have a meaningful talk, want to gossip, or have a great fuck in mind, it’s all good – but let’s do it. If I don’t merit your full attention, then it’s probably not worth pursuing anyway.
3. Just a little bit of respect, please.
Again, I don’t want or need to be your whole world. But the second you make me feel like I was just an easy pull, or you feel like you are getting me “just because you can,” I’m done. There is one simple level of respect I need – the idea that you want me, specifically; after all if we are getting together, it’s because there’s something about you that makes me want you.
This is where Twitter nukes a lot of people. When your timeline is you endlessly flirting it up publicly with a bunch of guys I know can barely drool down and not up, or have anatomical names – I’m not proud to meet your standards. The woman who is clearly new to the internet and amazed at how there are men she can just play with, and is plowing through the phone book – keep on plowing without me. Those oh-so-hott pics you emailed me, seeing them on your public timeline and men drooling over you – means you’ll have lots more time to be drooled on.
And yes – I do judge you based on the other people you flirt with. There are men out there that seeing you flirt with will absolutely turn me off.
4. Repetition is poison.
This goes double, nay quadruple, for cyber. As soon as you stop surprising me, you are turning off the oxygen in our relationship. Now, granted, if our chemistry in bed is that fucking hot…well…I might endure some highly sweaty repetition for a while. But, in the end, I want to know you are thinking the same thing I will be – “What can we try NEXT?” Yes, I know we just tore some vocal cords from the screaming last time we did tried that. Well done. Let’s find more fun to have.
5. Don’t brag about your skills.
Don’t tell me you give the best blowjobs. Don’t tell me how much you love to swallow my cum, or how tight your pussy is. And let me show you why:
I have an amazing cock – it is the right side of thick where it’s extra pleasing but not damaging; the right length where I can hurt you a little if I try just so, but a normal romp is perfectly safe and pleasurable; a subtle upward curve; and just about perfect symmetry and shape. This was something I didn’t realize till Mina and I played with a few couples and I saw some more men in bed (and how their wives reacted to me): I really, really, have a model-perfect cock. No exageration, no lie. Ask anyone who’s seen or felt it.
Do you want to fuck me now? Huh…why didn’t that work?
Okay – to stop being pedantic for moment: The other thing is that when you talk about things you are good at – you almost certainly don’t “get” what I look for in a lover: chemistry. The mechanics do not impress me.
6. Don’t be cheating.
Before you think I am moralizing, let me be clear: I have no problem with you cheating on your spouse. That’s between you two, and I know that I don’t know what your situation is and how it is or is not justified. Adultery changed my life vastly for the better, and gave me a way out of my soul-crushing first marriage. Really – there is no judgment here.
I am not worried about an enraged cuckold coming after me. Again, that’s between you two. What I do know is that an adulterer will not meet my emotional and intellectual needs as a lover.
7. Be honest.
I’ve said it a few times. I don’t need to be your one and only. I don’t need you saving certain acts for me. You’re not my wife, so you don’t have to pretend to like things you don’t, and if I’m not giving it to you how you want, say so. Believe me – I don’t make time for you so we can have some mediocre thrusting. I take a lot of pride in being an amazing lover, of bringing an intense, complete focus to be that lets me be a seemingly telepathic companion, and of being someone that keeps you coming back. So, if I am anywhere short of that – I want to know.
When reading over this, I realize there are a lot of reactions. Some people will suddenly feel super-special to have had me (or to have earned an invitation). Some will dismiss me as impossibly arrogant. Most people will look at this and realize they are not right for me: and they’re right. Most people aren’t. But I don’t want to fuck most people. I just want to fuck the best ones – but I have a wife that lets me be picky.
When you think about this as applied to your life, I hope you do it through the lens of what your amazing lovers have been like, and I hope you find yourself nodding as you do. And, if so, hopefully you will get to spend more time bending the psychic planes of the ether, and less washing away the shame.