The Germans have a fascinating habit of making new words. On one hand, the process usually just involves stapling several smaller words that more or less describe the concept into one big word. Once in a while, they actually create a simple word that elegantly captures the situation. Such a word is “Trennungsangst” which translates to “fear of separation.” (side note: Scrabble is probably a blast in German, and should be played on a gigantic board)
Today, my new job booked my flights for my first trip abroad to our plant in Europe. I will be spending an entire calendar month in another country, while Mina minds the zoo at home. This will easily be the longest time we have spent apart since we first started dating, and our longest time without sex. While I’m naturally excited to be seeing a new place, learning more things, and perfecting another language (or possibly two), I’m also struggling with the thought of being out of Mina’s life by virtue of miles and time zones for so long.
I was a military brat growing up, and, rather than being often transferred, my father was more frequently sent on TDY. (temporary duty, or colloquially “temporary duty yonder”) One of the things that really shaped me was his frequent absence from my life, where I would not see him for a month or two at a time. There was one especially spectacular period where he spent an entire year in Korea. (Those of you familiar with military regulations know that TDY is limited to assignments under 180 days. To get him in Korea for a year, they sent him home for a week in the summer.) Of course, back in the 80′s, the internet wasn’t a common thing. Since my father was enlisted, we couldn’t afford international phone calls, not to mention the time zones were utterly impossible, so we mailed cassette tapes back and forth. It’s the life of a military family, you adapt and do what you can with it. I often wonder, though, about how I form relationships as a result.
I’m not very close to my family, certainly not as close they would like. For a long time I was closest to my mother, because she is the only one that had always been there. (My sister was an exchange student, and before that did any trip that would take her out of town.) But now, she and I are always wary around each other, since I am always on the edge of being sick of her. My sister and I used to be best friends, but as I grew up, and stopped letting her run the show, we began clashing, and we don’t speak much any more. I like my Dad well enough, but we’re not that close.
But Mina is different. She knows the entire me, the unedited me. I chose her, I wasn’t born with a genetic imperative to be close to her. I see her every day, and being around her soothes me and makes me happy. She is one of the few people I’ve ever met that brings me balance, and that I consider part of my home. There’s a lot I can deal with, if I just know she is going to be in my bed that night.
So, it’s going to be my first time ever missing someone, and my first time feeling homesick. And I just don’t know what I’m going to do with that.
Ahhh! Homesickness, You are never too young or too old for it! It can strike terror into the hearts of all ages & make you feel like a little child all over again.
From the age of 10 I was sent to boarding school, due to my education being restricted where my father worked. So, at 10yrs 1½mths old, I was shipped to the UK, on my own & sent to a strange world & met with Homesickness!!
Many a young child cried themselves to sleep, not wanting to show themselves as weak or vunerable, but all of us did recover & we formed great friendships & lived life to the best of our ability, in the cloying confines of education!!
You need to embrace it, don’t be afraid to show that you are new to this travelling thing. You will learn so many new things, get to meet friends you have not yet been aquainted with & see many beautiful things. Europe is full of spectacular wonders, make sure you take your camera!!
Enjoy Sylvanus, one day you might be able to take Mina with you!
Hugs to you both
Heilan
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I understand where you’re coming from more than you know, S, and my advice is this – try not to let the impending trip ruin the time you have together before it. Let life continue, cherish her, show her that you will miss her – because that separation hits on both sides. And once you’re there, take it one day at a time.
You two are strong and solid and the internet is a wonderful tool to bring you together. Time zones are surmountable. They just necessitate planning.
It’s hard. It’s so freaking hard. But, I’ve found that every now and again, time apart from someone can be a good thing. It makes you appreciate them that much more, and when you do get to see them again… there is no word that can describe the sex that happens. Intense. Emotional. Amazing.
It’s hard while it happens, but look for the positive– find new ways to communicate with each other, with pictures, emails, phone calls, Skype, etc. Find new ways to involve each other– lists of things you miss about each other, lists of things you love about each other, things you want to do with/to each other when you’re back together. Countdowns until you see each other again are good, too.
Be creative, and use it as an opportunity to strengthen your relationship instead of looking at it as a time of loneliness.
I’m going to have to remember that word, even if I can’t say it!
Over the course of our marriage, work has separated Veronica and I for stints of 8, 6, 5, and 10 weeks, with another 10 week stint to come later this year. I know how you feel and you have my sympathy.
Phone sex and cyber sex opportunities? The longing for each other will make the separation a tiny blip in your lives once you get home.