just thoughts

It’s been awhile since Sylvanus or myself have written here.  Perhaps it’s time for an update.

For what’s going on now, Sylvanus and I are not together for Christmas. He had to go East for his family. I stayed here for my mom since her husband’s mind keeps deteriorating. We also couldn’t afford the both of us going East.

However, the financial situation took a turn. For those of you who remember, Sylvanus has been working a miserable job, until now. He decided enough is enough and quit his job. I am so happy for him. It’s going to relieve a lot of stress in the house. The big surprise was that his asshole of a boss decided to be nice and gave him a severance package.

Sylvanus has interviewed for a job back east. It went well and we are waiting to hear back from them. The downside is, we really don’t want to leave CA, however, we don’t have a choice right now. Times are tough. Take what you can get right?

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I have been wanting to write about my submission these days. I want to write about my needs, desires and cravings, but recently, that took a nose dive. Now I feel like I hate my submissive nature.

Sylvanus is a type of loving dominant. He thoroughly enjoys that I adore it when he uses me in the bedroom, but I find that he is not in the dominant mind frame often, especially in things outside of the bedroom. Perhaps it’s only because his miserable job was sucking the life force out of him? I completely understand that being Dominant is not a simple task. It takes a lot of time in one’s head to figure out and plan what you would like to do with your submissive. His job did slowly eat away at our relationship. I went from having IM chats with him morning and lunch and texting in between, to not hearing from him at all. Of course, I always understood. I don’t ever expect people to be able to chat it up during work hours, I’m just saying it was an emotional blow. He and I also spent this time being naughty throughout the day. When I found myself unemployed, it certainly allowed for plenty of time for me to be frisky, but things were getting tough for him at work. I’m rambling now… I have a point…

The point is, Sylvanus, though he enjoys being dominant in the bedroom, also craves being on the other side. He craves being the one who is desired. He craves being used by a woman and having her pounce on him. It’s not enough that she never turns away his advances, he wants her to do the advancing too.

So you can see my dilemma here? Being of a submissive nature can make it harder to focus on taking the lead. Much less realize that my submission isn’t enough to make him happy. That his happiness also requires different things. He’s not wired to be dominant 24/7 and I am not wired to be submissive 24/7, but I think my submissive cravings run much deeper than his domination over me.

I have certainly taken the lead before, but it hasn’t been often enough. In one extreme case, I switched and dominated him. This only happened once. Then there was his recent birthday, where I strapped him to the bed and had my way with him. Then there are the many times that I have worn something special (or in some cases, nothing at all) to give him the green light of my sexual interest. There is still another scenario in my head that I will one day act out with him that involves strapping him to the bed, but I haven’t found the right moment or the right frame of mind to do so yet, but I will. Thinking about it certainly turns me on.

There was one day, months ago, when my dominant side was much stronger, that Sylvanus and I were in bed together. I had him on his knees, and I was on mine behind him, nestled between his legs, in the doggy style position. I remember how badly I wanted to fuck him. I remember holding his hips in my hands and just pounding myself into him. Mimicking the act of fucking him without actually doing so. I remember rolling my hips into him, feeling my cunt pressed against his ass, just loving the feel of him before me and under me.

My theory (and one that has hit me right at this moment) is that my submissive nature was fed. My submissive nature was fed and it gorged itself to the point that there was no looking back. It liked where it was and wanted to continue even farther. Almost like a drug really, because now things have taken a step backward and my submissive nature has not been fed as well as it used to be and I feel it welling up and craving. Most days I can feed it myself, though I am never completely satisfied and having someone else feed it, just perpetuates the cycle.

The interesting thing is, I’m not craving being strapped down to the bed and whipped and smacked till my flesh burns or having my body fucked and used (though those are lovely things), but I crave the domination of my mind. I am stubborn, set in my ways, have a loss in faith in people, strong-willed and independent and I want that broken down and made into a puddle of mush simply by the hold that someone has on me. I want their words, no matter how far away they are from me, to make me want to do the unthinkable for them. Their words are so powerful, that even if they can’t see me, I would never think of lying and would perform any task at hand. My willingness to serve over takes me, and asking me to perform simple tasks around the house suddenly becomes erotic. “Now how about you come over and suck this cock?” said to me as I finish putting the last load of laundry into the wash.

I think there is a dull monotony that has settled into our house. Naturally, before, sex was limited to morning and night.. you know… the job thing gets in the way. However, that now can change. I think, though, our biggest hurdle is that all our sexual activity occurs in the bedroom and I don’t want it to be like this, but circumstances kind of make it so. You see, I have a parrot, who gets upset during sexual activity. She, is in the living room, the center of the house. “Why don’t you just cover her with a sheet?” Glad you asked… it’s not just the visual.. it’s the moaning and the noise that sets her off. Can’t even watch porn in front of her because of the noise. I have tried having quiet sex with her in the same room and she still screams. I have tried covering her and being loud and she still screams. “Why don’t you just put her in a different room?” Well, it’s not so easy. She has a very large cage that is not easily maneuvered from room to room. Plus, doesn’t having to move the cage away during naughty time, kind of ruin the moment? And who wants a moved cage to equal foreplay anyways? “Oh, well then… why don’t you just move her permanently to a completely different room? Like in the back of the house?” First of all, that’s just plain irresponsible as a parrot owner. Parrots are social animals, locking her in a room all by herself during the day and night and only getting to see me during feeding time and times that I can set aside for her, is just not right. Not to mention, she stays quieter when people are in the same room as her… locking her away in a separate room creates a whole new problem, a bird that never shuts up because she is all alone and that would most certainly ruin any mood. (public service announcement: Please think thoroughly before even considering purchasing a parrot. Don’t forget that the large breeds live up to and even past 100 years in age.) I did think thoroughly before buying her. I’ve owned her for 8 years and she was never really a problem, but now I am seeing the little things that I am missing out on, such as sex in my living room.

I’m rambling again…

Every once in a while, it’s a reoccurring them between Sylvanus and myself. Something makes me aware of his desire to have a woman initiate and I am painfully reminded that I am just not doing it for him and every time, I tell myself I will try harder and I think I am, only to find out it’s hasn’t been enough.

In the end, it looks like I did talk about my submission a bit, though differently than I had planned. Maybe that post will come one day, but right now, I’m not up for it. I am at a point where I have a love hate relationship with my submission. I love my submission and how it makes me feel erotically, but I hate it too, because it makes me less considerate of others needs, unintentionally. I need to find a balance.

Sylvanus said that he had lost his confidence last week. I think I may have lost mine as well. Things that I once did with him, now make me shy to think about. Talking dirty to him used to come so easily and admittedly now, I feel shy doing it. Taking charge in the bedroom used to come easily way back when and now, I feel silly and shy. It’s like I have to learn to do all these things again. Go through “training” if you will.

It’s frustrating, I know, and there seems to be no clear answers… all I can do now, is find the balance between both worlds. Thanks for reading through the rambles.