SYTYCD: Top 10 Perform

I am “plausibly live-blogging” this. I am typing as I watch on a slight TiVo buffer as we catch up to the broadcast. Let’s see how this goes.

8:38 PM – Mina reminds me that everyone has new partners. That means Evan is going to look really tiny. The show starts with a little highlight reel. They are taking their notes from the Monday Night Football crew. Cat seems a little tired at the start.

8:40 PM – Why is Brandon wearing a backpack for the introductions? And I wish Evan had picked a cooler move.

8:41 PM – Crap. Debbie Allen is the guest judge. Looks like useful commentary will be on vacation tonight.

8:42 PM – Thank you Cat for mentioning how the heights will mismatch. This is especially interesting coming from the Amazonian Cat. Mary is expounding on how difficult it will make the partnering. As a 6′4″ guy, I remember how much I struggled with my partners being nearly a foot shorter so much of the time

8:44 PM – Debbie survives a severe LOD while she says that only 3 of each gender of her favorites are still on the show.

8:45 PM – Does anyone else find it weird that Nigel, who is, predictably, British, teases Cat for being European? Good news! Nikhul is back!

8:48 PM – For some reason,  I always enjoy the way Nikhul translates Bollywood concepts for Americans.

8:49 PM – I’ve never liked the “mask on the back of the head” gag in dance. Apart from that, I enjoyed it. Bollywood really lends itself to large numbers of people on stage.

8:51 PM – Nigel apologizes to previous girls, because this group is so beautiful. Is it just me, or does it seem like Nigel is fixating on people’s looks a lot lately. Nigel declares the “Hot Bangers and Mash” Train. God bless you Cat for teasing Nigel for needing five seasons to come up with that limp catchphrase.

8:53 PM – Debbie Allen is being Debbie Allen. “You took the culture, you inhaled it.” Okay, really, can anyone imagine Tyce leaning forward, “Ya took that culture, *SNAP*, You inHALEd it *snap*…” Okay, I can kind of picture it.

8:54 PM - Clearly, telling Jobu to fuck himself was a great move for Pedro Cerrano. Look at his Allstate endorsement deal.

8:58 PM – Kayla reaches into the hat and draws Evan, of the Lollipop Guild. Turns out Kayla is the tallest girl and Evan is the shortest guy. Hopefully they won’t do ballroom, but didn’t Cat say something about Viennese Waltz? Yup…it’s the “Vietnamese Waltz.” Well, at least she won’t be wearing heels…oh wait…

8:59 PM – Kiss from a Rose?! GREAT song choice, especially for a waltz. Mina points out the natural rise and fall. At the end, the dance felt a little mechanical, but clearly the two loved dancing together, and I definitely enjoyed watching them. It’s a shame that they would NEVER be deliberately cast together.

9:02 PM – Nigel is quibbling about the type of waltz, but it needed to be said. I have to say, Evan looks suddenly more comfortable than he ever has on this show. I am typing this while the Judge I Shall Never Mention runs on about Evan’s stiff natural turns.

9:04 PM – I know I mock Evan for his height, but the extent to which JISNM is belaboring (still!) really makes me think it will be hard for the to cast his brother next season, and I really, really, like these Kasparczaks! Debbie is blubbering a bit. “You handled your large woman!” I really hope Kayla takes that one the right way.

9:06 PM – Brandon’s solo seems a little desperate. I don’t think that Peter Gabriel’s “In You Eyes,” is a song that lends itself to be covered, especially not by someone that sounds almost EXACTLY like Peter Gabriel. You know, if you’re Sarah Brightman, give it a shot. But not if you sound like, “Hey, is that Peter Gabriel? Oh darn…”

9:08 PM – Janette draws Ade. The shortest girl and the tallest guy. What the hell is up with that hat? Ade had the waltz and disco last week, and he ended up in the bottom three. What a shock.

9:10 PM – It sounds like NappyTabs is going playful, which is usually a good thing. I love that they decided to play off Ade’s hair pick! The lightning-quick costume changes are slightly scary, but they make us laugh. I know I bitch a lot about their couples’ routines not measuring up to their group numbers, but they got away from the literal thing here, and I thought it was great fun, and Ade and Janette were perfect.

9:13 PM – Nigel wishes that a hair pick worked so well, and later he jokes about getting JISNM out of her clothes. Okay, can we have a hooker or two sent his way? Dude needs to stop judging with his glands. Then JISNM declares that we need to cut the crap. Something is wrong with the world today, and I don’t know what it is…

9:15 PM – Debbie Allen…ah, skip it. Randi needs to hit her marks on time when she’s on TV! Randi was a bit of a mess at the end of her solo. And apparently they have finally brought Travis Wall back to choreograph the studio show!

9:17 PM - Kupono leads the segment with his solo. I say this lovingly, but he is SO gay in his movement. I am glad he went for something a lot more aggressive for his solo this time.

9:21 PM – Jeanine – “the way he moves and the way I move are totally different, but totally similar.” She also mentions that Jason is good looking, but then, Phillip wasn’t exactly a Greek ideal. Travis has gotten some ink, damn child. It’s good to see the first SYTYCD cast from Denise Wall’s dance school again. I like Travis;s concept, let’s pray…

9:23 PM – Clearly Travis loved Denise’s right leg. Watching this makes me want to fuck him. Travis has clearly gotten some quality ass since we’ve seen him last, because there is an incredible raw sensuality here, the kind that only comes from having had amazing experiences. And Jeanine and Jason seemed to get a little lost kissing in the last few moments there. Jason seems to have a way to get people to want to really make it with him on stage. J&J really owned this routine, and I was breathless watching it.

9:29 PM – Nigel has to pat himself on the back for elevating Travis to his place now. Then declares these two stars. JISNM is stunned into silence for a moment. I think we can elevate Travis to sainthood for that. She eventually recovers, and, well…forget it. It’s typical. Debbie Allen waxes rhapsodic about little kid Travis. Then waxes rhapsodic about how the show is a conversation that evangelizes like nothing else has, nothing nothing. She can’t wait to see it live…like she just did just now.

9:33 PM – Melissa, my favorite female in the competition, does a nice ballet solo, I suppose, but I feel massively unqualified to judge it. We follow up with Evan’s solo, which is the first he’s ever done on the show. It’s nice to remember why I was so hopeful to see him on the studio show. I love his playful style, and remembering why people loved the old Hollywood productions. And now another solo! Kayla is on, and there is really something lovely about her movement, the way that movement seems to roll through her body.

9:35 PM – Lucky for Randi’s husband, she drew Kupono, who, if you didn’t think he was already super-gay, vaporizes all doubt with “she is such a cutie!” Tony and Melody are doing double-duty this week, after synthesizing a waltz for Evan and Kayla, it’s paso doble time. I am wondering if Kupono is going to find the masculinity for the matador role.

9:38 PM – To be honest, this paso feels flat, and more “Dancing with the Stars” speed than “So You Think You Can Dance.” There are lots of fierce stares, puffy chests, and dramatic poses, but there seems to be zero chemistry between the two. There have been so many better paso dobles on this show. Recall the one JISNM did with the aforementioned Travis and Heidi Groskreutz, for instance.

9:43 PM – The judges are pulling no punches. They are excusing Tony and Melody for the choreography, and I guess they can tell, but I just found that dishwater dull all around. But they are right to blast these two for not showing up for this one. If you compare this to Evan and Kayla’s Viennese Waltz, which was a generally boring style, and a horribly mismatched couple, they have no excuse. Luckily, Ade is here to cleanse the palettes with a solo that pulls the giant flip out of Neil Haskell’s playbook. The solo seemed too fast for the song, but, DAMN, that was an eye-opener.

9:45 PM - Jeanine should give classes in how to do SYTYCD solos. It was sharp, and beautifully matched to the music. Jason should take this class.

9:46 PM – As a Southernor, I have to say Cat’s Fake Southern Accent is like nails on a chalkboard grinding the steel off a pipe while a cat yowls.

9:48 PM – Brandon’s lisp as he talks about Melissa is weird, but I think these two’s styles should blend nicely. But they drew Tyce, who was doing something from Hair. Not the best fit for them. Tyce has them slithering all over each other. Thank God it’s Married Melissa and not Married Randi.

9:53 PM – These two are terrific dancers, so I am slightly bummer that this came from the place in Tyce’s brain where he takes a classic Broadway number and tries to fit to a couple’s routine, when it doesn’t really go. I just don’t think this was right the number for two dancers. Cat was funny as the stoned host after.

9:55 PM – Nigel is elated to rediscover his youth. JISNM just umm…yeah. Debbie…yup. Shall we pretend that the judging didn’t happen? Yeah, let’s. Hey, let’s have Janette do a solo. She suffers from the problem that every person who specializes in a partner dance does, but she’s feisty! (It’s funnier if you imagine Colin Mochrie saying it. Trust me on this.)

9:58 PM – An African dance for the guys. This will be new. Jeffry Payne, the choreographer, is reaching for masculinity. Better strap up, Kupono. Evan reminds us he is not African. Can I be the first to say “No shit, Sherlock.” Kupono can’t get it, Jason can’t get it. It’s all rhythm. Ade can’t get it. The dancers can’t seem to break out of their training for this. I’m nervous…

10:01 PM – Evan staring at his gut was a laugh-out-loud moment. Suck with style Evan, suck with style. This whole number feels soft. There is a thrill to watching African dance that is missing. Their training has clearly polished all of the edge off of these guys. Evan seems enormously out of place, by far the whitest, and no one manages to really shine for me. The choreographer seems proud, though, so what do I know?

10:04 PM – Nigel deems Evan a “dancing milkshake.” He then says no one stuck out like a sort thumb. What?! Jizz single out Evan as well. Debbie…expounds. Okay, let’s cut to the wrap-up. Oh wait, Nigel gets another shot at Russian Folk Dancing in. Poor Youri…

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In the end, I think the egg Kupono and Randi laid will doom them both. Let’s see if America agrees.