Give to get

As I drove home yesterday, my mind wandered. That happens a lot when you’re me, which you are fortunate enough not to be. My brain has always been like a squirming child in your arms, it never stops moving, never leaves me alone. I am always waiting to see what other path my grey matter will careen down this time, and it is something I have alarmingly little control over. Where was I? Oh, right, mind wandering. Ironic…

As I drove home yesterday, I was thinking about my relationship with Mina, and there is a certain confidence that I have in her. I know that Mina will deny me nothing in bed. There are items that have to be asked for the right way, but, I know that she will always do what she can to give me what I want. This stands in unbelievable contrast to my past, and it is something I still have to remind myself of, from time to time. It is hard to be with someone who is that generous when you’re used to…not that generous. In Mina’s case, it runs deeper than simple submission. In many times, simply being desired like that is itself a turn-on, and certainly enough that by the time things are moving she is every bit as in to it as I am.

When you come from a past where you are assessing a person’s mood, trying to figure out how far you can go right then, and advancing cautiously through the twisty, cobweb-ridden sexual hallway of another person’s psyche, the prospect of so generous a lover seems like pure heaven. But once you get that, you have to change, as well. When you spend your life used to the other person being the problem, you get the privilege of ignoring your own issues. Even if you want to concede that you have these issues because of the other person, they are still your issues.

The truth is that although I like to think I give Mina that same generosity, I haven’t quite rid myself of the hangups I picked up in my past. Some things I have closed myself off to. I have accepted, at a certain level, that Mina will fuck me, as in with a strapon or some such. Frankly, the idea does turn me on, (as does the idea of her giving it to another woman like that. Actually, that image is incredibly arousing for me, as I sit now and contemplate it. Perhaps even the reverse as well, and, as I keep thinking, I am liking the idea of several different positions. I’ll need to file this away…) though my body doesn’t seem to like it as much. As far as getting past the physical discomfort, well, I haven’t. At all.

I know Mina would love to share her submission with another Dominant. For me, the D/s aspect of our relationship is inextricably tied to sex, and I am a major stumbling block in that area. I know she would love to get fucked from both ends, her head hanging off the bed as she gets one cock down her throat and another in her pussy, and, there too I am the obstacle. (The truth is that the line of volunteers to help fuck Mina would stretch down the block if I ever started taking applications. Mina would disagree with this, of course.) And while none of these are things that she feels like she needs, I don’t take someone I love into my life to simply account for their needs. Being in love means granting their wants, too, and even their wishes. I want to make all of her dreams come true.

And, in that way, I have not measured up to the same standard that she has lived. I know that right now, I could walk into the bedroom where she is asleep, and enjoying her one late morning in bed, and decide that I want to fuck her ass. And, she would let me, as far as her body could stand. She would endure all the pain I cared to give her to grant my desire. Doesn’t a woman like that deserve the same effort from her man?

(As I close this post, I am imagining Mina riding the strapon of another woman, hands on her breasts, head tossed back and moaning as she grinds herself to orgasm on this woman, who is in turn taking her hands to every inch of Mina’s body, and it has me extremely aroused…perhaps there is an erotica post in the future. I had never really thought of this image till I mentioned it as a throwaway above, and I am now really enjoying it. The curse of a wandering mind…)