I have a theory. It is my belief that a relationship develops according to how it is began. Need me to expand? We all know relationships come in many forms… friendships, lovers, spouses, siblings…. the list goes on. However, for this theory, I will use the D/s relationship.
I believe that a D/s relationship develops according to how it is formed. I believe there is a difference between when two people meet and grow as a couple first and then welcome D/s into their lives and the people who meet instantly as a couple in D/s. On the one hand you have a relationship that is formed out of love. Out of the simplicity of one person and another coming together and seeing if they can make a life together. On the other hand, you have two people who come together immediately as a couple in D/s.
Sylvanus and I are a couple formed out of love. I would describe our coming together as very much vanilla with a whole lot of kink mixed in. We came together as two people finding happiness with each other. All the basic vanilla things you can think of. Now, our sex life was more than vanilla, but the D/s wasn’t there from the beginning. In fact, it was I who came into the relationship with the D/s desires. I never knew if Sylvanus would be up for it.
As you, our readers know, he was up for it and he did grow into his role as a Dominant. I found myself sinking into place as his submissive. Together, we explored many things and became aware of many desires. Yet, there seems to be a road block somewhere…
Does deep love formed between two people before D/s is even a factor in their lives, affect the D/s when it is? It is with my experience, and I can only speak of my experience with this one relationship, that it certainly does.
Sylvanus finds himself unable to push me as is submissive at times. He finds himself unable to push me to the edge of my pain tolerance. Or he decides not to push a task onto me. There are many things that make Sylvanus hesitate. I guess you could say, he is not as strict with me as he could be.
I think love gets in the way.
I think that because the two of us came together as a vanilla couple first, it has made falling into our D/s roles very difficult. Almost unnatural. So I guess this must mean that we aren’t really suited for the D/s lifestyle? I don’t think so. We certainly have our moments where we clearly desire it from each other. We just have a hard time making it more of a lifestyle.
Then there is the other side of the coin. The side when two people meet under the parameters of a D/s relationship. When two people meet as a Dominant and a submissive from the very beginning. From there love and trust are formed and the D/s grows and flourishes. To me, there is a distinct difference between people who meet as a vanilla couple first and then welcome D/s into their lives and the people who meet under D/s and a loving relationship is formed from there.
The couple who meet in a D/s relationship first have grown together as Dominant and submissive. They have formed a love and a trust, a deep adoration for each other. It is much easier, I think, for a Dominant to be dominant with his submissive. Edges are pushed. Tasks undone are not left unpunished. Rules and actions are easily put into place. This thing called love, does not get in the way. No, this is a different kind of love. The love that is formed after the D/s, only strengthens the D/s even more.
Does this make any sense?
It does? Good… because now I have a confession.
I confess to the desire of wanting to know what it is like to meet someone purely on a D/s level. To come together with another person and they are my Dominant and I their submissive. Nothing more, nothing less. Just plain and simple. What would the experience be like? Of course there will be trust and adoration.. maybe even some form of love. Let’s face it, I am not going to submit to just anyone. There has to be something there. But the parameter in which we meet are under Dominant and submissive. I am not his girlfriend nor his wife. I am the submissive.
What would it be like?
Would he/she push me the way I need to be? Would he/she send me to the edge and push me even farther? Would he/she punish me for not doing as I’m told? Would he/she follow through on every desire no matter how dark they may be for me?
These are all things I confess to being curious about. This inner and dark desire of things left to discover.
Be careful what you wish for.
I know that as much as I may fantasize about having a Dominant whose one desire is to dominate me, it is also the fantasy that scares me the most. I love Sylvanus for being the thoughtful and caring Dominant. I love that sometimes I can get away with not doing something. That if he senses I am not comfortable, he will back down just a little.
Experiencing a Dominant who just wishes to dominate me, could give me more than I was willing to ask for. I may not be able to stand up to the challenge. I may walk away from the experience a fallen angel. One left in shattered pieces, scrambling to collect the feathers.
Ahhh… this love … this ridiculous obsession with love… it changes everything doesn’t it?
I feel the need to add something here. This confession that I have made of an inner desire.. it is one that does not need to be fulfilled. I am very much happy with Sylvanus. These are my thoughts and things I desire. I am sure Sylvanus has thought what it would be like to have a submissive who is there just for that.
I also want to clear the air that I may have portrayed Sylvanus as being a weak Dominant. He is not. He is very strong. There are just moments in time where he is not as strict as he could be.
Mina,
Regardless of the explanatory comment you have left here, I think you can be certain to receive a host of “applications” after a post like this. :-) I will take that as a compliment this time.
To be completely truthful, I don’t fantasize about someone in a “submissive only” role, but then, my relationship with my role in a D/s lifestyle has always been more complicated than your relationship to submission. For you, submission has been such a natural thing, almost a realization of natural state. I think, in my case, dominance, while an integral part of my personality, isn’t necessarily the same sort of “who I am” that submission is for you. While there will always be a dominant flavor to my nature in bed, I am not quite hooked up the same way.
In a lot of ways, it is considerably easier to accept abuse out of love, than to give abuse. For all my nature, I can never let you quite feel like you have lost touch with the love that builds our relationship. When the “experience” of the moment is over, I still need to love you tomorrow, and there are certain risks I am not willing to take.
I recognize the nature of fantasies, and of things like your ” evil doctor” fantasy, of giving control to someone who can literally take you within an inch of your life. Even though part of me struggles to acknowledge these fantasies that lie outside my ability to grant, I also know that without fantasy, tehre can be no reality, for you cannot acheive what you have never conceived.
I had no inclining that I was submissive or even that BDSM existed before I met Master. The first few times we hooked up, I felt his dominance, but it was all pretty vanilla. Within a week, he started introducing me to kinkier things, and 2 months later, I was his slave. We hadn’t anticipated our relationship being long lasting or turning into something more than D/s (though it’s turned into that, especially within the past month). So, though we didn’t start out completely as just dom/sub, that was for the most part the basis of our relationship. Maybe that’s enough for me to give you at least some perspective on the “other way” these relationships take shape.
My Master, like Sylvanus, won’t push me past certain limits, will pull back if I’m upset, won’t punish every offense, and doesn’t often assign tasks. I don’t think that, for Sylvanus or for my Master, love is somehow getting in the way. Rather, I think that it’s the personality of the particular dom. Safewords are one way to get around this to an extent (as in, he won’t stop or slow down unless you say it), but I know that’s not a complete solution.
The flip side is that, for me, it’s been hard to figure out the emotional aspect. I’ve been struggling to distinguish my love for my Master as my master and my love for him as my boyfriend / as a person. Overall, though, I find that you’re right that increasing the emotional connection in either form helps deepen the D/s connection.
Sorry for that long response, but it makes up for all of the other posts I’ve read and didn’t comment on. :)
Mina, I have had a D/s experience that was on a ‘as needed’ basis & although I enjoyed the fact I was pushed to my limits (which, i hasten to say were low, due to being new to the scene) I found it unfulfilling, due to the fact that there was no love between us. It purely was a D/s relationship. I gave it up after a year, as I felt I was giving my all & he was just playing because I wanted it. There was stilted conversation afterwards & we would have the odd conversation through MSN, but nothing else really, we never connected, which, I think most people would agree here, is nesessary . I regret now not having the D/s available to me, as my husband is unable to fulfill this desire I have. But, the future is bright, shall we say!! ;o)
meta
First of all.. never apologize for writing a “long” comment here. Sylvanus and myself adore the long comments. It means someone has put some thought into what they want to say and have a lot to share. The more the merrier we think.
Thanks for leaving your thoughts on the matter here. It is always nice to see the similarities and the differences. I can see what you mean about it being more of a personality things. I can clearly understand that. Some Doms are more hard core than others. Hmmm I get it. Thanks!
xoxox mina
heilan
yes, having a D/s relationship without love or adoration is difficult. I do not want to trade what I have with Sylvanus for a D/s relationship that is strictly just for usage. I suppose it is an experience I am curious about, but not something I would continue to have. I love having that deep connection with Sylvanus and I’m not letting him out of my sight!
xoxox mina
Mina,
Such a well thought out post and you pose some very thought provoking questions. From the outside, it appears that you and Syl have something so beautiful, yet I understand that longing to be pushed just a bit further than he seems willing to go. No he doesn’t seem like a weak Dominant, he just seems a Dominant filled with love who doesn’t want to take you take a chance of hurting something. You are truly one of the lucky ones!
Great post! 2btw…
Angel
Excellent post and i agree with you. my Daddy and i were vanilla for years before i discoved my submissive and masochistic longings. I have heard many people say it is hard to have your “wife” as a submissive..indicating just what you have said in this post.
I also have a similar fantasy and fears about that fantasy as you do. Perhaps someday we will know…or perhaps it will always be a fantasy.
xoxo
holly
Definitely some food for thought there.
I agree that you are most likely correct in that establishing a D/s relationship right from go might allow it to develop more fully as opposed to the other way around.
Good post.
Wow, Mina, I could have written the very same post. I often wander the same things. Jay and I have been exploring my D/s leanings for only about 2 years together which means we were together for 8 years before we ever started down that path. There are times I wish he were more harsh with me, more firm, more demanding.
In our case, I think it is a case of him being my husband first and my master second. He followed my lead into the D/s exploration, and I think he is not entirely sure how far I want it to go. I wonder how it would be if it were the other way around, and he were leading me down this path b/c he innately desired to dominate me. Although something in me tells me I feel safe to explore this with him, b/c I first brought us here, b/c he is unsure how far he is willing to go, b/c I am his wife who he cherishes and would never want to truely injure physically or mentally.
All in all, I’m grateful and happy to be married to a man willing to explore these not so ordinary, kinky desires with me.
Fascinating post. A lot of food for thought.
[...] So what is a Dominant to do? Your sub writes a long, searingly honest post about her deepest fantasies, and you’re not in them. Particularly gnawing at me, as she talk [...]
You know what hunni I have experienced both. A mind will always wander and look at the what if’s. From personal experience .. love wins hands down because with love comes compassion, understanding and all the things that make it real. Where you are going is transparency. Maybe in reality you are asking for things to be stepped up a little and with that comes alot of talking. Inner desires sometimes manifest as something completely different. x
Mina,
So well written, and could have been written by me, as well.
My husband is definitely a dominant personality, but a Dominant? He struggles with understanding what it is I feel I need/want as a submissive, as his submissive, and whether or not he would/could ever be able to truly meet/fulfill all my desires. I try to explain that while I may fantasize about certain things, I do not need to actually experience them to be happy in my life with him. I do wish we would do more, that he would be more forceful, etc. but I don’t let that stop me from still treating him as my dominant. And I try to always let him know that I love him regardless.
Robin
This pair of posts (this one and the one by Sylvanus) resonate with me. I find myself with the same feelings as Sylvanus. My lover and I both had strong BDSM desires before we met, and I was the one with more experience, the one who brought her into this world, but I also see her as my lover first and my submissive second. I also struggle with the fact that I know sometimes she desires me to be harder, to be a vessel of pure dominance, and I love her too much to not consider every action, to not give her some slack when I know she needs it, even when a part of her doesn’t want that slack.
For example, her rape fantasies. I have a great deal of difficulty with them. I am a dominant; I wish to take what I want, and I can, within the bounds of her consenting to it. But I have a lot of trouble even playing with role-played non-consensuality. I’ll push the envelope as far as something she doesn’t particularly want to do but will do for me, but the idea of forcing her against her will into the whole act, even in role-play, is difficult. For me, I still feel that my dominance is still expressed as part of a mutual dance with someone who wants that dominance.
I could have written Sylvanus’s post, modified for the particulars of my relationship. And it’s good to know that others have those same emotions, but I want to know how to work past it and find the happy medium. Great pair of posts.
-Ben
[...] written a post before on how love can often fuck up a D/s relationship, or to put it kinder, restrain a D/s relationship. [...]