Today I had my doctor’s appointment. I went in for a full physical. With everything that has been going on, I figured it was a good first step. There was a form to fill out and on it had a few “mental health” questions. It was odd and yet satisfying to be able to answer those questions with “yes I am having these problems”. When the doctor asked me about these questions, I told him how I had been feeling lately. I told him about the disappearance of my sex drive, of how I am feeling defeated at work…. that in general life has been good, until the recent fall out with my job that basically has put me over the edge. I told him about my birth control pills and why I switched in the first place and then went back on my original. I pulled out my questionnaire I answered on the internet and asked him to consider testing my Thyroid. He told me that the blood work I will be having done will cover everything, including the Thyroid. I was relieved. He also reminded me that I could have a case of depression. I politely agreed with him, but wanted to be sure my bases were covered. He agreed with me as well.
So, I anxiously await my results. I am scheduled back into his office in one week. Who knows what the results will be? Am I hoping it’s my Thyroid? Well, maybe.. I mean… it will be simple to take care of and once I have the right dosage in medication, things should be back to normal again.
I’m not foolish enough to believe it isn’t straight forward depression. Maybe it is. I can deal with that. I am concerned about having to be medicated for depression. From everything I have read and from talking to people who take medication for depression, it seems to me that these medications also take away your sex drive. My lack of sex drive is part of my depression. … ok, I will relax now… we’ll get to that road if we need to.
If things continue to run smoothly at work… I will be on vacation in 4 days. I need it. I am unhappy here. I’m not sure how getting away will really help me in the long run. Yes it will be nice to get away.. but I still have to come back. I don’t think I will be refreshed.
Over the weekend, Mr. Owner, sent me an email asking me a few basic questions. I answered them, in what I thought was a purely neutral manner… however, his written response came back brief. I can interpret it in 1 of 2 ways. The first being a polite understanding, the second being a short snappy statement. (I bet I have confused you as to how 1 sentence can be interpreted in 2 different ways. Anything is possible with email) With everything going on, I have a feeling it was the snappy statement. Needless to say, it isn’t helping how I feel lately. Right now, I have a constant lump in my throat and I am feeling defeated. I just want to curl up and go away.
So how have the days been going? As well as they can be. I really am on the edge of falling apart at any moment. I feel like anything can set me off and cry. There just seems to be more downs than ups lately.
Though my sex drive is gone, I am not liking not having sex with Sylvanus. So this weekend, I told him I missed feeling him inside me. That I wanted to feel him pulse within me as he spilled his seed. In my mind, I was not enjoying the thought of him masturbating because I have lost my desires. He was happy to do all he could so that I wouldn’t miss him so much and we had wonderful sex.
So here I am, the start of a work week. I can’t wait to get through it all and quickly. This day is half way done and I couldn’t be happier. I really don’t know what I am going to do or when things will get better. All I can do is take it one day at a time.
September 8, 2008 at 3:18 pm |
Hi hun, taking one day at a time sounds like a good plan to me. i do recall that i switched my birth control pill a couple of times, because i just couldnt get on with them. They were really sending me downhill. Hope you have a fab vacation too and you can chill out and try to relax a little more. Fingers still crossed and am thinking of you.
*hugs*
t. x
September 9, 2008 at 6:58 am |
In a way, you’ve already taken the hardest steps, Mina: recognizing that there is an issue, and taking the first threads in hand to untangle it.
Great big {{hugs}} for you. Being away from your job for a bit will give you breathing space — sounds wonderful!
September 9, 2008 at 7:29 am |
Hi Mina – first let me say thank you for sharing your experiences so openly and candidly with your readers.
I’ve gone through very similar times with my husband – depression, loss of sex drive, etc. – and it is very challenging, especially when sexuality is such a bond in the relationship. I’ve also felt as though my body just wasn’t responding, getting aroused, feeling that passion in the pit of my stomach – although my mind longed for the intimacy and closeness of it all. Maybe it’s just a passing slump rather than a major “issue” like clinical depression or hypothyroid. Often these periods surface when most of my waking time is consumed by “life” – careers, my daughter, the future – and emotionally my husband and I will drift apart.
Talking about it seriously, reassessing the relationship and putting actual thought to it again usually resolves the lack of sex drive over time because I remember why I fell in love with him in the first place, and how much he means to me even in the midst of everything else we have to deal with. Personally I don’t like resorting to outside drugs/chemicals and would rather work it though psychologically (unless of course it is something very physical like a thyroid dysfunction).
I don’t know if this connects with what you are going through or makes sense, but I hope it makes you feel a little better knowing you’re not alone – by far! Some of your conversations sound very very familiar. Sexuality in a relationship naturally goes through cycles – and in the almost 7 years I’ve been with my husband there are times when we don’t have sex for weeks, and others where we will 5 times a day. As long as you love each other and have a solid foundation built, you’ll get through it – and be stronger for it! :)
September 11, 2008 at 10:26 am |
Hey there sweet Mina,
You’re really going through a rough patch here–and it so does suck to be wondering what, if anything, is wrong–my heart goes out to you. But it’s good that you’re taking measures to rule out stuff and figure out what needs to happen to get you back on track. I’ll think good, healthy thoughts for you. =)
XOXO
September 12, 2008 at 5:54 am |
Mina,
I understand what you are going through. I’ve been through a complete physical with all the blood/urine tests and while my Thyroid is low but normal and has been tested 2 months in a row we are waiting to test again in November to be sure of a hypothyroid diagnosis because it would be medication for life. Most future doctors will not retest and investigate if it was a wrong decision so once you have it, you have it forever.
I’m taking Celexa for my depression and have been on it for 3 months. My sex drive is back in a big way. My Master has noticed a complete turn around for my interest both emotionally and physically. Ask your doctor about meds that don’t have a high % of decreased sex drive. Celexa works for me.
*hugs*
September 14, 2008 at 2:33 am |
hi mina,
i have suffered both depression and thyroid issues (separately). definitely worth checking thyroid and iron / b12 and general health issues before weighing in with anti depressants. as luna above me says there are anti depressants that don’t affect sex drive so you can shop around (so to speak) if that does become the issue.
hope a holiday helps too.
September 14, 2008 at 5:41 pm |
thank you everyone for your comments. I have emailed all of you.
xoxoxo mina