Unplanned

The past few weeks have been interesting for me, as a writer. I have been purposely avoiding posts of real substance, because there were a lot of unresolved issues in our life, and I often hate to share these personal stories blow-by-blow, as they happen. That’s a torture I reserve for only the most vile class of people I call “friends.”

At the same time, I have been reading Mina’s incredibly poignant posts, and affected very deeply by them. We have discussed these at length, both before and after she wrote them. There have been a lot of tears and a lot of frustration, but I have chosen, until now, not to share. That choice is also motivated from a lot of places: not wanting to push her intensely personal writing from the top of the blog, and nor do I comment for fear of sucking the air out of the conversation. The sincerity of the concern that has been expressed has meant a lot to both of us, and I would hate to choke it off.

But, I also can’t just be the silent partner here, representing only by the shadows I cast on Mina’s thoughts. For me, the events she has related have been, in turns, saddening, frustrating, depressing, challenging, teaching, and warming. It has exposed so much of both of our characters, and forced us to learn to communicate at a deeper level, and make some sacrifices. But how, then, do we begin?

It starts with her decline in her sex drive, which first wounded me. I felt like her losing interest in me was a sign of some sort of rejection. Of course, what words does one have to calm those fears? What could she say? “I’m sorry, I’m not losing interest in you, I just don’t want to have sex?” Somehow, it doesn’t reassure. It took a while to really the change that had taken place inside her, as much of it was cloaked by her submission. She was always going to submit to my desires, so the fact that she wasn’t necessarily wishing to initiate these actions didn’t easily surface. But, there was that ooomph missing from it all. Then as she starts talking about it, she also begins to express more and more dissatisfaction with her weight.  Of course, I love her, and her body, and I still do, but I am not blind, either, and I know how I would feel, if our positions were exchanged. And, as the trainer showed us at the gym, our positions very nearly are. (It’s didn’t help that the exercises completely whipped MY ass, leaving me on the verge of passing out while Mina puttered right through the full hour.) The fact is that while I don’t care about Mina’s body, in the sense that no change her looks would make me love her less, I do care in that I see how unhappy the situation makes her, and the effects that I know it has on her health. This runs deeper than mere body image, though.

But, taking away sex does shake the very foundation of our relationship, does it not? It was the sexual commonality that brought us together, after all. Take that away, what do we have? My scientific mind, with its relentless sense of intellectual honesty, would never let me shrug that question off, especially since I had left my previous relationship over the deeply lacking sex life. If no sex was not okay then, why is it okay now? The biggest distinction that the Ex and I never had a sex life remotely as satisfying as the one Mina and I enjoyed for well over our first year together. So, I am not just waiting for another Godot. Another is the effect this change has had on Mina. Although her libido is diminish, she is not merely satisfied not to have sex because she is not interested. The need for it runs deeper than mere biology, it’s a part of her soul, as it is mine. Both us choose to express our creativity through our sexuality, it is a means of personal growth. Sex is a higher need for us than simple physical release.

That was the logic. Logic is nice, it writes down well. But logic doesn’t matter one damned bit, and doesn’t animate my actions in this at all. The truth is that I love her, and I have fought too hard to be with her to give up on the first bit of adversity. And, on a deeper level, I just didn’t want to be anywhere else. We both took the time to express exactly where we stand on our relationship. But where do we go from here?

In a lot of ways, simply being here is enough. I could see that sex was stressing her out. That my advances were always greeted with sad half-smiles, the sort of recollection that you would associate with a fading athlete, remembering how they used to be. So, I told her that I would back off sexually, and I would not be making the same advances that I used to. Mina told me that it was good that I told her, so that she would not take my backing off as a fading attraction, something I had not thought of. We talked about hypothyroidism, anhedonia, depression, and birth control. We talked about doctors, psychiatrists, and psychologists. We talked about our trips coming up weekend after next (we are both traveling out of town, but to different towns).

This morning I woke up spooned with Mina. This was how we had curled up together after a trip to the gym, and I have never slept like this before. Granted, there was some exhaustion that had us both passing out, but it was a uniquely comfortable moment, and I am not someone who normally likes to sleep against another body. Mina has scheduled doctor’s appointments, and we have started working out, and in a way, that has broken the clouds a little, because we feel like we are working towards a solution. I would like to thank the commenters for their support. For those who have suggested diagnoses, or told us not to fear other possiblities, let me say that we don’t worry about any particular answer, we worry about finding no answer.

I don’t know where we are going from here, or how we will get there. But we will keep walking, together.