scattered

There is a lot going on and I really don’t know where to begin things. Only to just type type type . In the end it may all be scattered, but then again, so am I.

I’m on the brink of a melt down, as far as work is concerned. You may recall there had been some shit that went down, leaving me sour to even be here. Time has done a wonderful job at slowly making the wounds hurt less. However, I have an every day reminder here that will never let me forget. I have felt myself slowly stretching thin and yesterday I felt as though I was cracking. Even Molly was out of it. (sidenote: it’s amazing how one’s mood can greatly affect their dog’s) It’s become apparent that I need to take a long vacation. I haven’t done that since last xmas. Sure I’ve taken a 4 day weekend and have gotten away from work for more than a week on a conference, but not a real vacation. What I plan to do? Nothing. Yup, nothing. I just want to sleep in and stay home. Live out my dream of being a “stay-at-home sub.” Only 17 more days and counting.

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I hate my body … hate it. Yes, Sylvanus is a wonderful man, who loves, desires and adores every flaw and curve I have. Yet somehow that isn’t enough for me. I have to adore the person staring back at me in the mirror just as much as he does. One of these days, my disgust for what I see in the mirror will outweigh my love of certain indulgences.

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At 30 I have a hard time seeing myself as a woman. Yeah, I know that’s ridiculous. I see what you see in those HNTs.. the curves, the “womanly” body parts… and yet I don’t feel very womanly. I’m a short girl at 5 feet tall. I don’t have long slender legs. My look is average with brown eyes and hair. I’m neither beautiful nor ugly. I am best described as “cute”.

I’m quite “tom boy-ish” as well. My skin gets dry, my fingernails kept short.. all because of my job. I don’t feel very feminine which may explain my new love of pink. I’m struggling to find the perfect hair cut. I’m not very good at doing hair. I hate clothes shopping, but lately finding clothes to flatter my size and shape has been humiliating.

I am envious of other women. To me they all look so different than me. They look like what I wish to become. I stumbled across a woman on Fetlife and one of her pictures. I nearly burst into tears. To me, she was beautiful and absolutely breath taking. She had a perfect slender body, wonderful curves, long wavy hair and her breasts were fantastic. Her nipples perfectly erect and her breasts ample. I wanted to wrap my hands around them and lick her. I turned my laptop towards Sylvanus and told him I thought she was beautiful, but on the inside I wanted to cry and “be” her.

Yes, there are some advantages to being who I am. Being small and cute has it’s good points. I look younger than I am. However, these same traits lead to negative things as well. I am easily teased. The world treats me as a child. I get little respect. I often have “invisible” days.

Perhaps I should embrace this and come to grips that my place may be in being a “baby girl”? I seem to relate to that the most. Could help me identify and finally feel like I have a “place”.

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It seems the people I want most in my life are also people who are too busy to be in it. I really must be a masochist. I am still very much enamored with the thought of having a woman in my life. I really think she should be a Domme.  There is a particular woman I adore and would love to have something with, but, though no fault of her own, her time is in high demand.

Things with Petra have not advanced the way I would have loved. Life took an evil twist and now I rarely get to hear from her at all. Oh well, she is still my friend and I still very much adore her. Things are what they are.

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I am still very much concerned about my sex drive. Things still are not where they once were. Where once a touch sent electricity down my spine, it now sends nothing. Almost as if my body has grown cold. There are words that need to be exchanged with Sylvanus and since they have not been spoken, I will not write them here. We have a long journey ahead of us to figure out what we can do to make me feel more myself again.

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My submission has been vacant. Sylvanus has written new rules and goals. They have not been lived nor followed. I have recently broken a few minor rules, due to a lack in control. I can be a bratty girl sometimes.

Work and life has held both of us down. I want to be a good little girl, but it is hard when there is nothing to be good to. A D/s relationship plays off of each other. He can not dominate if I am not there to submit and I can not submit if he doesn’t dominate. It’s a never ending cycle, one where you can easily find yourself in a hole with no escape!

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I think I have gone on long enough. Enough of my scattered thoughts. It does help to get them all down. When left on my own, with only my thoughts… the negatives weigh me down. However, when I am with Sylvanus, all of that seems to melt away. He is good for me in so many ways. I need to embrace that.