*** I wrote this yesterday, convinced I didn’t want to post it. I sent it to Sylvanus as an email attachment. I did post it in FetLife. This morning I figured, why not? I could always use the input. ***
That’s how I feel right now… I just feel stagnant. I need someone to shake me up a bit. Slap some sexual sense into me. Do anything! Just wake me up!
When I think of all the erotic writing I have done in the past… all these glorious masterpieces (yes this is just my opinion), I am a bit saddened. Inspiration for me has changed. It is no longer there. My mind does not have flickering images that beg to be written.
Perhaps my inspiration came from a crappy sex life? I did start all my writing when I was with Patrick. Now that I am with Sylvanus, all of those fantasies have come true. Our sex life is wonderful… perhaps that is why I do not have this urge to write erotic tales?
Or maybe it is because my taste in reading material has changed? I am not reading a lot of blogs that have to do with erotica writing… instead I am reading blogs of fellow D/s couples and subs. I am more interested in reading people’s thoughts and feelings of their life experiences. I am all about wanting to learn more.
Or perhaps it is just my lack of sexual drive? Yes, I am still battling this. It has been one month now since I have moved back to my old pills. I can admit to feeling much happier in general. The other pills were really messing me up. I was more depressed than anything. Today I am not so down… but the fact is… I still don’t feel my sex drive. It hurts so bad thinking about it. It must hurt Sylvanus too.
To think that there was a day that I could hardly wait to get home. My only thought was to come home and see him. To take his clothes off and worship his cock. To get fucked till it hurt and then keep going. I would write him in the middle of the day, telling him my desires, he would do the same in return.
I remember there was a day when I would get horny. I haven’t been horny in a long time. A very very long time. Reading things would get my juices going. I’d have frequent naughty thoughts through out the day.
I admitted to Sylvanus that if it weren’t for his advances, we probably would never have sex. I just don’t have the sexual desire nor drive to make it happen on my own. When it does happen though, I am a very willing participant and I can find myself getting turned on by things during the act. I take comfort in knowing that this isn’t about Sylvanus. I have not lost my lust in him and have instead lusted after men. I don’t lust after other men. I don’t sit here dreaming about others. I just don’t have the desire.
And then, I think I am trying to be something I am not. That is a submissive outside of the bedroom. There is no doubt that I am a submissive in the bedroom, I clearly am, but I think I am trying to force it into other areas of my life. I see it come so naturally to so many subs. I see it in the blogs they write or my observations of people on FetLife. It just doesn’t come naturally to me. My head is not in that space. So why am I forcing it? Perhaps I am trying to use my submission as a distraction? Perhaps I am hoping that my submission will fix things? Perhaps I am just trying to find something to be, just so this stagnation ends?
Sylvanus and I are going down this path together. It is both our first times. Perhaps my submission does not come naturally to me because his Dominance isn’t where I need it to be? Somehow though, I am not convinced that is the problem. I say this because I will role my eyes at some of his rules. I think a natural submissive would never do that.
I have been told that we are merely going through a transition period. I think I can agree. This is a time period for us to figure out what does or doesn’t work for us. The problem is.. I am LOST. I don’t know what it is I want or need. So if Sylvanus came up to me and asked me what it is I wanted… I wouldn’t no how to answer that question. Except to be silly and say, “I want my sex drive back”.
So here I am … I feel like a stagnant puddle, lost in the middle of no where.
July 22, 2008 at 8:57 am
Well, I can tell ya, as an innately submissive woman, that there are definitely times I roll my eyes at some of the rules! Not, mind you, that I don’t take care to not let them know that!
Writing: like any other creative endeavor, there is an ebb and flow to it. I’ve gone through periods in my life where I’ve written reams, and other times … it has dried up completely.
Sex drive: see above.
Being D/s: apples and oranges, hon. Your relationship with Sylvanus is unique to the two of you. What works for other individuals and couples and triads and what-have-yous isn’t necessarily right for the two of you. Take what works, let the rest go.
Big, big {{hugs}} to you both.
July 22, 2008 at 10:31 am
I know exactly how you feel. It takes some time to get to where it works. I am not very submissive outside of the bedroom either, and yes I roll my eyes too…lol
We have found that the “rules” that people follow and talk about online just dont work for us. We have made our own. D/s is what you make of it.
As for the sex drive, I’ve had none for the last 3 weeks. Its no big deal. It will come back. If I worry about it, it takes longer to get it back.
I do know that when I was taking antidepressants a few years back, I lost my sex drive for the whole time I took them. I get the same effect when I take strong painkillers.
Well, I hope you fell better soon.
July 22, 2008 at 12:13 pm
I’m not sure how old you are, mina, but I’m going thru the loss of desire thing too.
For me it’s hormones.
I’m in my late thirties and starting perimenopause already.
Any chance your issue could be part hormonal?
Carrie
A View from the Floor
July 22, 2008 at 8:53 pm
B.B. King said that whenever he needed a new blues song, he’d break up with his current girlfriend. He’s been singin’ the blues for, what seems like, forever. I know. That seems extreme. But he just wants blues. You want excitement. Or, maybe, just the idea of it. Well…as an old guy, I can tell you that, no matter how hard you try, it isn’t always “blow jobs and butt fucking” ( a phrase I lifted from the lovely kaya_s).
Maybe, now that life is good, what you want to write about is what it is -now- rather than what it -might have been like- when you weren’t happy? I dunno… I’m just kickin’ a can here.
Sure..ladies are hostage to hormones…I’ve been to that rodeo too many times myself. But maybe, just maybe, there are things locked away that you’d never do…but always wondered about…things that you’re ashamed or embarassed about…maybe you want to pick at those scabs and see what crawls out…(uh…ok..poor chose of metaphor, but you see where I’m going, right?)
That’s all I have, off the top of my head. Maybe when I’m sober, I’ll have something better. Maybe.
Mr. Upton Ogood
ps…on re-reading your post…sated means never having to say “what’s next”. Are you sated? Stagnant is pretty close to what I look like, post-coital bliss, and also sounds like an odor I produce on warm Wednesdays…but that’s a glandular thing I think
Upton
July 23, 2008 at 5:10 am
I was going to start out by saying “oh yes, naturally submissive women roll their eyes at rules from time to time”. But then of course that is only my view and maybe I’m not a naturally submissive woman? Who knows. Who’s to say?
I do know that I have done it. I question things – to me that is being a “natural” human being. I have a lot of misgivings about submissives who would say they have never questioned a thing their Master has said/ordered.
My two cents — the journey is to find what works for you and Sylvanus. It isn’t to fit someone else’s mold of what works for them, that will never feel right. Just to complicate things, “what works” now is ever changing, just like we are as people.
July 23, 2008 at 4:13 pm
you keep on doin what you’re doin you keep on gettin what you’re gettin
I think the submissive thing is a man play, just me sayin’
I rough my girl up….but she ain’t submissive, she just likes it rough
July 23, 2008 at 7:23 pm
[...] 23, 2008 by Mina I came home Monday, after having written my stagnant post and emailing it to Sylvanus. He took me into the bedroom and sat on the bed. He held my hands as I [...]
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