i miss my submission

When I wrote this post this morning over at Secret Desires, the unspoken words I was trying to say were, “I miss my submission.”

Things have been… well…. complicated? no that’s not it…. confusing? …. No that’s not it either. I am just lost. I am not myself and haven’t been for weeks now.

There has been many things going on that have me thinking about my own submission. One, is that I am reading this great book. The other, is a fellow D/s couple seem to be going through some very difficult relationship things. I wish them the best and hope things work out the way they should.

And then there is the realization that my own submission is pretty much gone. Ages ago, Sylvanus asked me  what i wanted. Did I want us to have more of a 24/7 D/s type of relationship or did I want us to have something that remained in the bedroom? After taking a moment to think about it… I knew that in my heart, I wanted it to be more than something that was reserved for the bedroom. I wanted us to embrace my submissive side in other areas of our lives together and so I told him.

I miss my submission and I feel lost.

Lately, my submission has been reserved for the bedroom. I have slowly watched our lifestyle dissipate and become something more of the “norm”.

I will be the very first to admit… it is extremely … EXTREMELY … difficult for me to take on this lifestyle. I do not know my place as a submissive. I do not give up my independence easily. That is a very hard thing to know how to do, when my adult life has been centered around doing things for myself and not relying on anyone else. It is not an easy thing to go back into my childhood.. to remember the times when I had to ask for everything, even to be excused to use the restroom, or to ask to eat something.

I am stubborn and free willed.

But there is something about me that wants to submit more than just in the bedroom. I read about it and crave it. I want to kneel at my Master’s feet, submit to his power and strength. I want to obey his every wish as he instructs me on my service to him. I want to enrich my life as he teaches me things I do not know.

I think it is simply a matter of change in my life once more. Of finding my submission once more. Of piecing together the things that will bring positive growth within me. It is a journey I can not take alone as I will rely on his Dominance to guide me. What are his wishes? What are his demands? Does he wish me to please him outside of the bedroom?

I miss my submission