the switch

I’ve been away for a week at a career based conference. In fact, I presented at this conference. What I do is unique in itself, but what I do is also different within my career circle.

I’m trying to make a name for myself. Trying to make people see the uniqueness and power of what I do. This has been a very successful conference, as far as networking and socializing are concerned.

And yet I feel unsettled…

It’s the switch. I hate the switch, What’s the switch? It’s what I realize I have as far as my submission goes. I do turn it on and off. Once it’s off, it’s hard to turn back on.

Before I left for the conference, there was no time for Master and I to make love. How can it be? The night before, I went out to a bachelorette party for a really good friend of mine. Though I did not come home particularly late and Master did pick me up, my last drink of the evening did me in. Role Play Friday was pushed aside as my aching feet needed relief and the alcohol swam in my head.

Master was good to me and took care of me. I slipped into an alcohol induced coma sleep. When I awoke in the morning, I felt ill. Again, Master took care of me. He let me rest as he ran my errands for me. When I awoke later, I felt much better, but now I needed to pack. I packed as quick as I could, but time was not on my side. By the time I finished packing, there wasn’t enough time for Master and I. We also still needed to have lunch.

This upset Master and myself. He cropped me before we left. It left me in tears, but not because of the sting of the crop, but because of the disappointment I felt that we could not connect physically before I left for my trip.

Once at the conference, I felt my submission slowly slip. Master was not there to enforce his Dominance. I felt my submission melt and my dominance emerge. My career took charge and my mind switched.  The conference was packed with presentations and site visits. My days were jam-packed from 7 am till after 7 pm.  Meanwhile, I was also putting the finishing touches on my presentation. I ran into many obstacles having to convert things for pc since I was on my wonderful Mac.

Tuesday night, Master made a special trip to visit me. I was returning from a site visit and threw myself into his arms. We made love that night.

Wednesday morning had me stressed and nervous. My presentation was approaching. Things went along just fine. I knew I was nervous for nothing. Master was there to watch and video the whole thing. We had lunch together with a group of my colleagues. Later that day, it was another site visit. Master had to stay behind as I left.

I returned after 9 that evening. Master surprised me. He drew up a bath for me and on his excursion to a local mall, he bought me a bath bomb, a new t-shirt and a bottle of lotion from Victoria’s Secret. Once bathed, he lathered lotion all over my body. My day was exhausting. He and I talked, but we found ourselves settling into the night very quickly. We fell asleep.

Thursday morning, we had breakfast together and parted ways. His short visit was over, but it was so good to see him. I returned home Saturday afternoon. As Master came to pick me up from the airport, I was chatting with a colleague who had the same flight as myself. As I wished her a safe trip home and placed myself in Master’s car, suddenly things changed.

I became aware of the submissive switch. My career was still heavy on my personality. I was still in “worker mina” mode. I didn’t know how to act.

The remainder of my weekend had me unsettled. It was and continues to be difficult to switch. But there lies the problem. I don’t want there to be a switch! I want to be naturally submissive and yet dominating in my field. I find that when I have a taste of my independence, it becomes extremely difficult for me to embrace being submissive once more. I lose that drive to ask for permission for everything. I still continue to want to please my Master, but my submission fails me.

Why has this happened? Distance, for sure played a key part. Dominance was another factor. Master was not hard on me when he visited. It would have been a little difficult for me to handle with the pressures of my presentation. Or would it have been?

Now I am home and back to work. I feel my submission slowly coming back to me. I guess I am a little disappointed to see that it still is very much a switch in me. That I still turn it on and off. I want it to be more of a part of me than it seems to be. It seems Master has been better able to embrace his Dominance than I have my own submission.

Perhaps it was all just because the cards weren’t dealt right. My period kept me from following through with orders that would have kept me aware of his ownership. The plan was, that I was supposed to have the smart balls inserted every day for at least 4 hours a day. My period had to end that act.

Some would say that Master has a wild one on his hands. Perhaps other Dominants would be thrilled to tame my strength. I know Master does not want to tame me. I don’t want to be tamed. It is my energy that drew him into me. I want to find that balance. Where I am very much the submissive to him and yet maintain my dominance in my career.

Perhaps Master needs to be harder on me.. perhaps he needs to break me?

I know I will find my peace one day …