my submission ~ pt l

This is a continuation from the introduction.

“What parts of your will do you give up? What do you keep?”

This is a very difficult question to answer for myself. Perhaps I need to elaborate on the previous post, my introduction. I have already received a few comments. I understand the dynamics of D/s… what I am trying to figure out is the why *I* am doing the things that I do. Why do I submit? What kind of a lifestyle do I want to lead with Sylvanus? He and I are a couple. We live together. We enjoy the dynamics of D/s within our relationship. Recently we have started to live more of a D/s lifestyle than to just keep it in the bedroom. What Sylvanus is asking me is how far and how much I want to live this lifestyle.

In his letter, Sylvanus writes:

I am not asking this in the hopes that you will say what I have already decided.

What strikes me is “in the hopes” and that there are things he has already “decided”. I thrill at knowing that there is a hope, but above that, there are some things he has already decided! I want to know these things.. but of course, he won’t share these things till I’ve decided on my own. As his submissive, he is well aware that I would go for anything he says… but he also wants me to make my own decisions. So that he knows I am an equal partner in this.. that his desires are also my own.

I guess this question of how much will do I want to give up is a difficult one, because I don’t know how much does he want to take? Does he want me to go to him for everything? If I need to use the restroom, do I always ask? If I want that piece of chocolate, do I ask first? If I want to read my emails, do I ask first? You get the picture.

The question is how much of myself do I want to submit to him?

There is only one way to find out … to just do it. So I have made the decision to submit all of myself when I am his submissive.

Which I guess leads to one of his other questions:

What does the collar mean to you? How will you be collared versus not?

So here it is… when I am collared, I am his submissive. I look to him for everything and my will becomes his. He owns me and so every part of me as well. I will have to ask for anything. Any need that may occur, any desire that may arise.

In a way, it’s almost as if I am regressing to being a child. This will be a difficult task for me. I will make many mistakes and hopefully my loving Master will be patient with me.

When I am not collared, I will assume I have my free will. I can make my own decisions and not have to ask him for anything.

So there it is… that’s how I feel about those questions.. of course I am not finished here. I have many more thoughts to answer and write about. Some thoughts include things that I need from him as my Master.