gone
March 14, 2008 by Mina
Except for HNTs, it’s been very quiet around Longing’s End for a few weeks. Looking through my archives, I see it’s been now 2 months since I have written anything erotic. Gone is my thunder. Gone are the sudden images that float to my mind. Gone are the words that once came so easily. There have been moments where something will float to mind, but when I consider writing it, it’s gone. Suddenly the subject doesn’t seem so appealing. My drive burns out.
Something is missing, but what?
I have thought and thought and thought. Maybe I’m not over all the things that unraveled a few months ago. Maybe I’m not over the mess that *I* made of our relationship. Yes, I realize that by saying the last sentence it means “no” I’m not over it.. I’m still blaming myself… Had I not done the things I did, “that” whole mess wouldn’t have started. I’m not naive to think some other form of drama wouldn’t have happened.. but not THAT.
But really what happened, happened. The two of us our fine. We are happy and in love. I don’t think about it at all anymore… but maybe it lingers subconsciously.
Then there was that cervical biopsy… Such an awful experience. Not too long after, I got ill with the flu… it was a straining February.
March is no better… allergies plague me and my work is busy and physically demanding and we are packing and moving by the end of the month.
Now I sit here, 2 months later, without having written a single erotic tale. The last few weeks have been a torrent of emotions and thoughts. Thoughts on Sylvanus and his life situation and his family. Thoughts on my submission and his Dominance. I felt lost… like I lost who I was. I was almost convinced my submission was gone. I have felt it coming back recently.
I think today I have finally reached clarity. I was finally able to think of something that could be wrong, yet I don’t have a reason… here’s the thing… I have not felt “horny” in 2 months. Do you know what I mean? It has been a loooong time since I felt horny.
Is Sylvanus not doing his job? Is he not the one I desire? I can answer all those questions with a NO. Sylvanus is doing his job.. he treats me like a princess, like a pet, like a sub. He has given me baths, made love to me, made me submit, fucked me. He has done so much for me and I know he craves the same from me… and yet I can’t give it to him. I haven’t felt “that” drive in a long time. Does it mean I desire him any less? No, in fact, you would think that maybe other men or ladies are making me hot and bothered and maybe he isn’t.. but that’s not the case. It’s just not happening for me. I have tried watching porn, only to turn it off once I realized it wasn’t turning me on. It’s been a long time since reading something erotic has turned me on as well.
So there it is, I have lost my sex drive, for whatever reason. We are having sex. If it were up to me and my actions, we wouldn’t be. Since I have no drive, it’s been a long time since I’ve initiated. I know this weighs heavy on Sylvanus. I know he aches for me to reach out and tear his clothes off and ravage him. The hardest part is knowing that I don’t ache that way for anyone, not just him. Which I guess is good and bad. Good because I KNOW it has nothing to do with Sylvanus, bad because it still is happening and I can be certain that there is something wrong with me. I ache for the day that my sex drive comes back. Like those days that I was either naked and waiting for him, or in costume for when he gets home from work.
If it weren’t for him, we wouldn’t be having sex. I always enjoy it when we do and there have been some great moments recently when I thought I was starting to get back to my old self again.. but still this problem lingers. Though I have found myself a more willing participant these days, it concerns me that I don’t have that same passionate drive that he does.
So there it is. I want to be back to my normal self, but I have no idea what it is that I need. If I do,in fact, need anything. That’s the hardest part. Just not knowing. I don’t think there is anything that Sylvanus can do, that he hasn’t already been doing. He has been wonderful with me and for that I love him dearly.
Oh Mina, I don’t know what to say. It can be so very very frustrating, and there can be millions of reasons as to why you feel the way you do. All I can say is that I hope you feel back to normal very soon…maybe when you’re in you new home environment together and settled, your passion will be reignited…
Hugs to you both
xxxxxxxxxxx
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It’s the millions of reasons that do frustrate me. I hope I do get back to normal very soon as well. You make a great point… perhaps the new house will help “bring back that loving feeling.”
xoxoxox mina
mina…everyones sex drive has its ups and downs under the best of situations, you have gone through a lot of life changes and stress the past few months its only natural for this to happen. i think you stressing over the thought that it shouldn’t be happening is only adding to it. relax, enjoy whats around you and be patient… it’ll come back
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Yes i know … it is natural for both women and men to lose their sex drive for a period of time. I will try to think on the positives. I admit however, this is not easy. I will try.
xoxoxo mina
Ciao Mina,
I agree with puresecrets; stress can really put a hinderance on sexual libido. You have gone through a lot and to add to it - you are moving; all these things are stressors. There can be other reasons also: change in diet, cycles in the year (my libido changes throughout the year), and anxiety from worrying about your sex drive being decreased.
I think you shouldn’t worry about it and just enjoy every minute with sylvanus, and it will return.
The fact that you are able to have sex is a good sign.
marcello
xxoo
i am sorry Little One.
you know where to find me if you ever need anything.
xo
Hi Mina, I have a response for you about this article, but I didn’t think I should post it here because my response would probably be as long or longer then your posting. So I have posted it on my site. I just wanted to let you know.
Also I wanted to say thanks for stopping by and commenting so much lately. I will surely be returning here and likely will add you to my blogroll if you are interested.
Now time for me to go write my response for you.
Mina I think you are not giving enough weight to the circumstances - all of what you describes could certainly have a longer effect than 6-8 weeks. Hang in there - spring is coming and the sun will shine and the flowers will bloom and so will you.
Hello mina- i am sure you are getting many responses regarding the fact that all women go through this. So, rather than going down that road i will focus on another aspect.
A positive aspect in this situation is your increased submission; that you are still working very hard to ensure that Sylvanus is pleased even though your sex drive is on vacation.
Perhaps focusing on this positive rather than the frustration of your sex drive will help to feel better and distract your thoughts on your sex drive as well.
Hugs & Respect
~viemoira
I think it’s something we all go thorugh at some point, and you’re right it’s a pain in the ass, but I sometimes wonder if I’m not just so used to being turned on by the very slightest thing that I make a bigger deal out of it when I’m off. Especially being in the sex blogging world, I think there is some outside pressure on occasion. I think the only thing that would be worrisome, is if you weren’t feeling it even when you were having sex.
I’m sure it will come back to you, and I’m sure that Sylvanus understands too. Not that he won’t be ecstatic to have you back, naked and waiting in bed when he gets home.
Silly gosling ! You stress more than any little heathen I know. ;> Stop trying to think about the why and just be. You’ll work, you’ll get the house, things will ease back toward the norm, and you and Syl will still be the most exciting pair of snugglebunnies to touch our lives.
The wife and I just bought a house (5.75 fixed thirty years if anybody is interested in the South Carolina coast, look up DR Horton) and we barely hugged each other for the two months prior and the month after. Money, time constraints, my little pe…..ahem….I mean other worries. Now we’ve gotten the rhythm of the finances back on track and while she still isn’t riding my face like a bicycle seat, this past week we’ve turned back toward some semblance of sentimentality and tenderness. It’ll come to you too.
You are not alone. You will be OK. I have to believe that because I have lost my mojo too.
We’ll find it again!!
I’ve been through that myself. I call it “hornblock” - it’s like writer’s block, kind of. No desire to masturbate even - it’s awful. So many things can cause it - stress, medications, hormonal imbalance, thyroid problems, and on and on. It would be worth going to your doctor to rule out any physical problems (thyroid or other hormones or medication side-effects).
Hugs
Just hang in there Mina, your get it back, just takes time that all and i know this is hard to do, but try not to worry to much about it.
There is so much more i could add, but i feel it would be too personal to post on here, but you are in my thoughts.
xxx
Just found tie blog today. Maybe my blog will help. There’s no porn, no erotic tales. Just true stories written in short poems. Often we look outside of us to get us going when passion comes from the inside.
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