betrayed

“I want our blog to be more of a reflection of who we really are.” he says this to me this morning. Of course when he says this, he means he wants us to focus on the positives more and really make our life a reflection of what the blog is.

But we are flesh and blood. We are a living breathing couple. There is much that happens behind closed doors. I no longer wish to hide behind who we really are. We are flesh and blood just like you. We have problems, we have tears, we share laughter, we share love, we have pain.

The world of blogging is a world of secrets. I am surrounded by blogs written by people unhappy in their own marriages. Some blogs are a cry for something more… their hidden, forsaken desires get written down as a way to deal with the pain of not being able to express themselves. Though I have never worn a jewel on my left hand, my first blog, under different name, was exactly that. My hidden desires, my screams of attention to my boyfriend were all written there for him to see. What I lacked in my real life, got written down as a form of therapy for myself. It later consumed me… and I was able to end things, delete who I was and become the living breathing creature that I am today.

Some people blog about their hatred for their spouse, some couples blog about their love for each other, though they themselves are married to separate people. Some people blog about their adultery.

Others blog to get away from reality. They create their own persona and become someone else. Some people just blog because it’s the only place they can be open and honest with themselves.

For what ever reasons people blog, it is wonderful that there is a place that someone can do so, openly. I am not here to judge what it is that other people do. That’s not what this is about.

This world is a world of secrets… just realize that what you read isn’t necessarily what’s really going on. The wicked can make you believe that they are good and the good can turn out to be the wicked.

Sylvanus and I are a living breathing couple. We bleed, we feel pain, we have desires, we have needs… we make mistakes. We are people like you, we are in fact that perfect couple in our own eyes, but perfection is not created without failure.

Many weeks ago, I got lost in my own desires. I started several online “relationships” with a few men. One was in another world, away from me, he and I exchanged dirty emails. Emails that were full of desire.

One gentleman, I exchanged IMs with, we seemed to form a bond right away. I became his baby girl and he became my Daddy. When we did interact, that’s who I was. We did not cyber, it wasn’t about that. Though yes, our interactions sometimes conveyed a desire for each other in that way. What our interactions were, were the role playing of being his baby girl. And yes, the very first baby girl/Daddy series entry that was ever written on my Secret Desire blog was in fact inspired by him. Our “relationship” quickly fizzled out. He stopped making time for me and I stopped chasing after him.

Then there came a man from across the states. It began with flithy IMs and dirty messages. Yes there was cybering. And then I became enthralled with the idea of hearing someone cum for me over the phone. And one day, I called him and he did this for me. One day he expressed his desire to hear me urinate, and so both of us in the restroom, on the phone, we urinated together. He however, did not hear me. And so came the final phone call exchanged between us, when I did urinate for him and made sure he could hear. And then I am ashamed to say, I let him hear me cum. The phone calls stopped there, but our online interactions continued.

There were a few random men out there that I exchanged filthy IMs or emails with. But none crossed into the personal as the ones mentioned above.

Sylvanus knew nothing of this. It was my secret. A few weeks ago, he confronted me, wanting to know what was going on. He knows I am a flirt and he tries to deal with it, but jealousy gets in the way. He decided that if he knew whom I was interacting with and how, it would make him feel better. And so I began telling him everything. That yes, I had been doing more than flirting with some people. I told him about the email exchange. I told him everything about the gentleman that inspired babygirl/Daddy originally. And yes, it was a heartbreaking fact to him to know that I wrote a post inspired by another man. That I wrote a character that had been created with another man. I could see this devastation. It pained me to create this pain. To have had these secrets from him. (side note: When he and I acted out the babygirl/Daddy for real, he had full knowledge of all of this. I did not fool him into that.)

Finally, I told him about my interactions with the gentleman whom I urinated for. Seeing the pain in his face, I knew that if I told him we came for each other, he would be in more devastation. And so I lied. I told him I had talked to him once on the phone and it was to urinate for him. I lied to his face when he told me to be honest about everything. I lied to his face when he told me it would be ok, because I didn’t want to hurt him.. I lied.

We talked for a long time, putting everything else in the open. He told me he had been having interactions with a woman, someone I knew as well, thru this world of the internet. That they exchange many emails throughout the day and some have gone beyond being “friendly”. I was ok with that. Obviously, I had been doing the same.

For the weeks to follow, things slowly began to fall apart. He kept asking about the phone calls and I kept denying them. I exchanged emails with the woman he was conversing with and she told me how she was so glad to talk to me. That she respects us as a couple, that she was afraid I was angry and would “hunt her down”. That she had nothing but love for us as a couple. My emails with her stopped, but I knew her emails with him continued. Meanwhile, Sylvanus got caught up cybering with someone and then not telling me about it. She was someone we both met thru a social online network. What put me off was that she was playing with me first and then behind my back, went to go play with him, never saying a word to me since. Later, he tells me about her because it seems she is going head over heels for him in the span of a few days. So he confesses to me that they cybered and he was able to explore something with her. I felt betrayed by her and him, but really, it was like what I have done with the gentleman whom I created with babygirl/Daddy with. I couldn’t be angry about this, but I was upset that he chose to keep secrets, after we had decided to be honest.

During this time, he saw a message in my private messages in my Twitter account from the gentleman who asked me to urinate. It read “I miss you” . This made Sylvanus extremely suspicious and wanted to know if there were more phone calls and still I denied it. I continued to lie to his face to not hurt him.

But during this same time, he and his lady friend decided to start talking on the phone. He vented to her about being suspicious. I was later to find out that she suggested he go into my account and find this information out for himself. They discussed this for 2 weeks, and I was also to find out he discussed this subject with someone else who also decided it was a good idea for him to go thru my private account. And so that day came, where he went into my private account and read more than he would have liked to, but found the one piece of evidence that would put me under. He confronted me one last time, I lied again and he slapped the evidence down on the table. So there you have it… I fucked up big time and here I was, no longer the wonderful girlfriend I was. I also want to mention that after we had talked the first time, I was in fact being a good girl, but that didn’t seem to matter any more. Of course, this created yet another phone call to her. Which he tells me saved me from him making me feel like dirt.

And so ended my bad streak. I had learned my lesson. I no longer wished to be bad. I love him. I told him everything that was going on, but really nothing was going on anymore. Meanwhile, I had no idea he was talking to her on the phone.

Things seemed to be going alright between he and I. The holidays came and went. We dealt with the pain and were once again moving on. We were happy. I felt us feeling the positive energy of our now open and honest relationship.

Until, yesterday, Friday morning, he tells me over IM that she will be in the area seeing her boyfriend for lunch, she the adulterer, who had made friends with my boyfriend and exchanged emails with me. I knew what would come next and tell him, I’d like to see how she implies the two of you should meet… to late.. she already has. She tells him that the two of them should meet. He tells her no, that she should spend time with her boyfriend since they never get to see each other. She says no, he has the whole day, she has time to see MY boyfriend. That it should mean a lot to him that she will sacrifice her time to see MY boyfriend instead of her own. So now I am getting angry.. this woman is suddenly implying she and Sylvanus should meet. I knew there was more to this story…. so Sylvanus and I spent all our work day yesterday, pretending to work, while he told me the truth of his lies.

He confessed to me that the two of them had exchanged 3 phone calls. 2 of which happened during the time I was lying to him, he just needed someone to vent to. And the last phone call happening on Tuesday, where she was venting to him. Looking back now, there is one thing that stood out to me, he called me one day and his cell number came up private. I found this odd. I told him about it, joked that he was calling someone, but really that’s what had happened. He had blocked his number to call her, for her protection. Ironic isn’t it? He confessed to me that it was she who suggested going thru my private messages. It was she who suggested that the two of them should meet. This woman, who in one email tells me she would never step on my toes. That she respects my relationship with him. That she is happy that I know and am not out to kill her. This same woman who sent him nude pictures of herself and then asks him to delete them so I wouldn’t see them and “hunt her down”. (Sylvanus had given me every password to every account to make up for going into mine.) I shredded them immediately. I had no desire to do the same to him. He tells me he wished I had, so I could see for myself the lie he was too ashamed to tell me about her.

I did not need to tell Sylvanus not to see her. He had already made that decision on his own. Once again I felt betrayed. It’s not what he did that angers me. I understand he needed to speak to someone. It became clear to me that she became more of a friend than I was aware of. It really is a pity, he destroyed his own friendship with her, by keeping her secret from me. I felt betrayed that he did not tell me of the phone calls. What happened to the honesty? But he now truly understands why it was so hard for me not to tell him my truths. Sometimes you just have to walk in someone else’s shoes.

She wrote something about him, something I read and asked him to find out if it was about him. She claims he was on her mind, but it wasn’t about him. She knows I read it. And says it’s my perogative if I want to think it is about him. Her conscience is clear. She goes on to say to him “It’s bullshit if you don’t stickup for me, for us, especially after all she has put you through.” This stung the most… first of all, there is an “us”? And secondly, “all I have put him through?” What has he chose not to share with me? How much does he actually hurt but won’t confess to… and do you think you are so much better for him?

The bottom line is I got betrayed by both him and her. This woman who claimed to be my friend.. this woman who, going thru my chat archives, Sylvanus says, “she thinks a lot about you.” And even the day he confessed to doing more than chit chat says ” yesterday she told me she really wants to flirt, more than just chit chat (on the condition we agree to never meet)”

What’s done is done. Those who are wicked would have you believe they are good and those that are good, turn out to be wicked. It’s the way things go in real life, in blogger life, in any life. The world is full of secrets. And now you know ours. We are the perfect couple, as we are made stronger by our mistakes. We are human. We feel pain, we bleed. This is who we are. And now you know us for the good and the bad.

Do you feel betrayed?

*** read Sylvanus’s side here. ***

***read the Epilogue here***