When is D/s abuse?

This post comes in response to a comment from Buzz on mina’s “What Just Happened” post about a surprisingly savage belting I gave mina. To save some senseless clicking, I’ll quote it here, but you can always go to see the full context:

ABUSE… it’s called abuse.

I fail to see the pleasure here for anyone… you or him.

Would he take the same belting?

Hell NO!

Let’s get a few things out of the way first:

Would I take the same belting? Absolutely, and I have even asked Mina to do so. The surprising desire to be beaten by her has given me a lot of insight into how she feels about her end of the bargain, and it has had the effect of diminishing my inhibitions about what I do to her.

Secondly, and this is really the bigger point: It doesn’t matter if I would take the belting or not. My willingness to be subjected to a particular abuse does not make the behavior less abusive. (Granted, it is a good rule of thumb, but not an actual basis for reasoning.) For instance, I could claim that I am happy to take shotgun blast under the chin, therefore there should be no problem giving one to someone else. That is obviously ridiculous. But it does call up another question: What, exactly, is abuse, and how are the goings-on of a D/s relationship (something I have been very reluctant to call our relationship.) distinct from that? This is a serious question I have wrestled with often.

Part of this challenge, too, is that I tend to view myself as a male feminist, and my politics fall very closely to the lines you would expect from that description. I have read convincing arguments that all S&M relationships are born from an abusive attitude, or a desire to revisit one’s past abuse, or any number of wholly unacceptable root causes. I am deeply opposed to any sort of abusive relationship. This is heightened by the fact that both of us have abuse in our adult relationships in our past (indifferent abuse in mine, indifferent, physical, and sexual abuse in hers) that we don’t want to link our current relationship to, and we consciously avoid recreating. In fact, much of what we do now I would have viewed as abhorrent a year ago. So, what changed my mind?

The way that the S&M came into our lives was truly a slow evolution. It began with some playful spanks (which she had said she wanted) while she was on top. Then Mina began pushing for us to get a paddle, which we did when found one that said “SLUT,” which was a bit of inside joke for us. But then, we found she liked the paddle, and really liked how it felt, especially as the spankings became more fierce. Equally surprising to me was my response, that I found myself powerfully aroused by her reactions. Then, she fantasized about getting belted, over on her site. My reaction, when I read that, was that I never saw that happening. Of course, a week later, with some vodka assistance it did happened, and what followed was one of the hottest nights of sex ever. From there, the dam was broken.

But, as we continued to rush out to try new things, we also read other people’s experiences, and found ourselves appalled on occasion. There were clearly experience well outside what we would consider, for a host of reasons. For instance, every aspect of this experience was well outside our depth, and I was genuinely disturbed to have read about it. So clearly, there is a line…somewhere.

So, we return to the question - when does “great fun” cross into “abuse?” There are many factors to consider:

Consent

This is the number one difference. I have never once done anything to Mina that she was not a willing participant in. The use of a “safe word” is a common tool, in our case it is “green.” What happens is that if Mina ever says this word, everything stops. Not, “slows down,” or “backs off,” or “becomes gentle.” It stops, and there is no negotiation about it. For the record, this has yet to happen. Our play does not really delve into rape fantasy (which, for me, is a source of immense discomfort) so if she were to say “stop!” or “No!” or anything else that indicated displeasure, that would also do the job. The point of this is that she always has the ability to end whatever is happening. An abuser does not give his (or her) victim such a choice.

The significance of this cannot be overstated. The fantastic program Mythbusters was studying Chinese Water Torture, the idea that a slow drip of water on the forehead would drive one insane. When one of the hosts sat comfortably in his chair with water dripping on his head, not only was it not upsetting, but it was, in fact, rather soothing. However, when they strapped a cast member down and forced her to take the dripping, she was deeply disturbed and had to be freed in short order. (The psychologist they had brought in to consult took them to task for testing out torture and being shocked that it was so damaging.) The point is that choosing an experience fundamentally alters it. We see this every day when we happily do the chores to maintain our home that we used to groan when our parents MADE us do them.

Intent

Why do I beat Mina? My arousal does not come from the sting of my hands or the crack of the belt. It does, however, come from her groans, and her writhing from the experience. I don’t hurt her to satisfy an psychological impulse that wants to see another harmed, I belt her because she is aroused by it. If her response were any different, the pleasure in doing this would vanish for me. This line was blurred in the post that Buzz was commenting on, which sent both Mina and I into some deep introspection. For her parts, she was shocked and tremendously aroused to have such a visceral experience with an unfiltered part of my psyche. For my part, I was unsettled by what had happened, and not at all comfortable with it, even though I was never “out of control.” It was definitely a fringe experience.

But this sort of reflection also highlights a key difference between our relationship and an abusive relationship. I have no desire to destroy another person, especially not Mina. Of course, there is an obvious counter-argument: “Ike Turner was always sorry afterward.” And I can’t say that I disagree. The “Duck Test” applies here: If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck. If you fit the pattern of an abusive relationship, you are almost certainly in an abusive relationship. My inability to shake this line of reasoning is why the recent experience was so uncomfortable for me.

Safety

Every day (except Saturday) Mina and I work legitimate, professional jobs, and we are both very high-functioning, successful people. We both know that what happens in our bedroom can NEVER adversely impact this. Neither one of us can afford to mis work because of sex injuries, and neither one of us wants to be forced to find excuses for physical damage we sustained from each other. As an example, I might slap her, to create the tingling and burning sensation, but I would never punch her, a move that is really meant to do actual, physiological damage. Similarly, while a crop, which stings ferociously but almost never bruises, is wholly acceptable, a bat or a pipe would not be. I realize that these distinctions are easily lost on many people, though. A simpler view is this: what happens in bed, stays in bed.

Obviously, we do choose to write about what we do, and this blog has done a number of things to really enhance our relationship, by giving us a venue to voice our fantasies, and to communicate our problems. Mina and I are very close, and we always know what is going on with each other because we have this means to communicate. At the end of the day, this all exists because of the loving, functioning relationship we maintain. We have both acknowledged that it would be impossible for us to run to the extremes that we do without a deep trust in each other. What surprised us both is how the beatings have brought us so much closer, and how much these extreme activities has enhanced our relationship.

With this, I would like to address one more thing. Let me quote Buzz again:

I fail to see the pleasure here for anyone… you or him.

Honestly, I have no attraction to men. They are big, hairy creatures with rough faces. They tend to have leathery skin, and they invariably bring a cock to bed, which I have NO attraction to whatsoever. I cannot imagine why, on earth, a person would want to have sex with a man. But billions of people do. They’re called women. (excepting lesbians, including bi and gay men, yadda yadda yadda) My inability to see the pleasure in sleeping with a man does not, in any way, alter or de-legitimize their pleasure in the experience. In a similar way, Buzz’s inability to see the pleasure in it means nothing more than that the experience is not for him.

I wanted to respond to this, because the question of where the line is drawn is an important one, and one I have thought about. Even though the tone of the comment was flippant, it still brought up something important to think about. I don’t think that my answer is all-encompassing, and I am certainly willing to hear differing views. Mina and I agree that we should not delete comments for being negative. My view is, and will remain for the foreseeable future, is that I will only delete comments that are not about the post they are attached to (read: spam). I believe any idea worth holding should be able to withstand someone else thinking differently. This is a question that is very important to both of us as we continue on this journey, and we do take it very seriously.