relocate

It seems I do a lot of this. Pack my things, relocate, empty the contents of my life to another living space. Devote time, energy and love into the living space and then some how.. something goes wrong.

Boxes are salvaged or purchased once more, my shattered life is packed away and quietly relocated.

So it comes as no surprise that once more, the contents of my life, have been relocated. This weekend marked a stepping stone in my relationship with Amorphous. I have moved in with him.

Much different than any of my other moves. There are no tears, there is no sadness…. there is no wonder. It just feels natural and normal.

Instead I feel the cement has been poured. A foundation is being built. For the first time in my life, I truly believe this is the last time I will be moving in with a man. I am here to stay.

Do I worry about my future? Of course I do. My past always comes back to haunt me. The words of Patrick haunt my ears, “You seem to leave your boyfriends after you’ve lived with them for a year.”

But was I wrong in doing so?

Take my 6 1/2 year relationship so many years ago… we lived together for 2 maybe 3 years together but only 1 of those years was just the 2 of us. Was I wrong to leave him? I don’t think so. We became 2 different adults. We were no longer compatible being “all grown up”. And so I left him, in search of more.

Take my 1 year and 3 month relationship with the man who later ended up beating me. I lived with him for 1 year, waiting for him to love me… and he never did.. never said the words.. and so I left him…. in search of more….

And now take my last relationship, that ended after almost 2 years together and 1 year of living together though, not always just the 2 of us. I left him in search of more. I wanted soemone who would come to bed with me at night. I wanted someone who could leave work behind at the end of the day. I wanted someone who was sexual and creative and wanted to explore our sexuality together…. and so I had to leave… in search of something more.

And now here I am… with Amorphous… moving in together has made things permanent for the both of us. Moving in means letting go and moving on. Going back was never and will never be an option.

And here I am, staring down the tunnel of yet another journey. For me, a year has become a big deal. Where will he and I be in that year? I have a pretty good feeling that we will be together, happy and so much more in love.

And when I reach the light at the end of this tunnel, I will breath deeply, sigh, smile, put on my sun glasses… and emerge. Leaving the past behind me.