through tears and pain

When Amorphous and I started seeing each other, he was already a few months into his healing process from his break up and I, well I was just beginning. I had just moved into a new place, after moving out from boyfriend of almost 2 years.

I went to see Amorphous that first night. To spend the night with him for the first time. Finally there were no more lies. Finally we would have what we always wanted, to fall asleep together and wake up still in each other’s arms.

But the impact of what I had done earlier hit me hard. My mind reeled at the thought that I had officially left my relationship and moved out. It was OVER. Because I knew it was for the best. As much as I loved him, he could not make me happy. No amount of therapy changed that either. And so I reluctantly left in hopes to find my happiness.

Within Amorphous’s bed, wrapped within his arms, surrounded by silence and darkness, my mind was spinning. “What have I done?” “Why?” “What have I done?” “It hurts.” “What have I DONE?”

My tears broke the silence and my thoughts became heard. Over and over I uttered “why?” Why didn’t he (my ex) love me the way I needed? Why couldn’t he try doing the things I needed? What if …. ? No, it wouldn’t matter. Why? Why? Why? What HAVE I DONE?

I sobbed uncontrollably. My tears ran down Amorphous’s chest. He held onto me tight. My breaths became short and sharp. I was gasping, shaking. All I could do was cry and cry and cry.

But Amorphous stayed there with me. He held me. He spoke to me. He told me to breathe.

When the tears finally dried out, and my breathing calmed and my sobs became silent, in the darkness we looked at each other. I was so thankful to have him there. I had an overwhelming amount of emotion for Amorphous. He understood my pain, as he went through the same. But I wasn’t able to be there at the most painful times, as he was for me right then.

We laid there, on our sides, face to face, holding each other. I remember feeling as though I needed to be loved. I wanted him. Slowly our faces moved closer in the darkness. I could feel him. I moved closer and could feel his breath on me. My nose caressed his face. Our lips wanted to touch, but we hesitated. After such an emotional encounter, was this appropriate?

Our lips moved in so close. Just centimeters apart. We could taste the lust in each other’s breaths. Secretly I was begging him to kiss me. And then he did.

And it was electric.

Suddenly my body was alive. A blanket of safety, comfort and happiness enveloped me. I returned his kiss passionately. The sound of our passion filled the room. Kissing became frantic, hands began to roam. I wanted him to make love to me. He wanted to make love to me.

That night, within our sadness, within our freedom, within our passion, we made love. That night changed everything for me.