mina’s journey (part 2)

If you haven’t read part 1, you can find it here…

So, Patrick came into my life and though I was guarded at first, I slowly allowed him into my heart. We went on a neutral date together and the weeks following afterwards were colored with many many phone calls. One of which was about 10 hours long and no I am not exaggerating. I had my first experience with phone sex. I wasn’t much of verbal help, the whole time he spoke sweet words of seduction that brought me to 4 orgasms that night. We hung up before I could return the favor. Through the phone we had made a stronger connection and the next time I saw him which would have been our second date, happening a few weeks after the first, we didn’t leave my apartment. And thus began my relationship with Patrick.

A little over two weeks after this, he asked me to be his girlfriend. He asked me! I have never been asked to be a girlfriend before in my adult life! These things just sort of happened. I thought it was cute.

The same day that he asked me to be his girl, he had to leave for the summer. Lucky for me, it only lasted one month and he came home early. Upon his arrival back, we spent alot of our free time together. I thought things were going great … until … he says …

“I don’t think I’m happy. You need too much attention.”

I am floored and surprised by this. Quickly my mind is thinking of all the things I could have done that would make him think I was being “needy”. I came up with nothing. Everytime we saw each other was because he wanted to. Everytime I came over to his place was because he asked me to. Everytime we spoke on the phone was because he called me first. So I was not understanding why he would think I needed a lot of attention.

He explained that since he got back we had been seeing a lot of each other, but that he really needs to start focusing on his work again. I understood and could see that this guy needed some time to sort things out. The old me would have begged him to let me try harder, but after Ethan, I wasn’t putting up with anything. I said my good byes, told him to take some time and think about things and that he knew where to find me. I made it very clear that I would NOT be contacting him.

I made it all the way to my car and burst into tears on my way home. I cursed love and decided I wasn’t going to look for it any longer. I was done.

That same night, while at work, Patrick came to me, apologized and said he really wanted to give this a try. I took him back… but I was reserved with him afterwards.

3 months after he asked me to be his girl, he told me he loved me. It lifted a huge weight off my shoulders. I loved him back and now I felt the relationship could soar. I no longer have to be worried about being too needy.

8 months after he asked me to be his girl, I moved in with him. And that’s when things started to change.

My very first night with him, I went to bed alone. He needed to finish a few things, I needed to go to work the next day. No big deal. He was coming in in just a few. I woke up around 3 in the morning and was shocked that he wasn’t in bed. I got out of bed and went into his office and asked him why he wasn’t in bed. He said he was sorry and didn’t know this would affect me (minor detail I left out, Ethan never went to bed with me and Patrick knew this bothered me) and that he was coming to bed right away.

Turns out, I would always be sleeping by myself. After my first week of living with him, I had my doubts. I was not enjoying going to bed alone. But… I tried my best to deal… knowing he had school and work to take care of. I did my best to be the supportive girlfriend.

I should probably mention here that prior to moving in with him, I had started blogging, not as mina. I wasn’t getting to see Patrick as often as I would have liked, nor did I get to talk to him much either. He was always so busy with work and school. So, I channeled my energy into blogging and it did help.

So when I moved in with Patrick, I thought we would be spending more time together. But we weren’t. Work was consuming him.. so I let blogging help me through the lonliness. Every night I went to bed alone. Slowly our sex life disappeared as his stress increased. I was begging him for some intimacy and he was denying me. Slowly my posts turned from gentle lovemaking to deviant fucking. Sometimes my posts where gentle cries to him (yes he was aware of the blog). But they always went unanswered and he never had anything to say about it.

Finally, after one year of living together and over 1 1/2 years into our relationship I said to him….

“I am not happy.”

And so spiraled an out of control relationship.

I should also add here the good things about Patrick. I realize now that I have just focused on the bad. Patrick is a good man. His the first man to step in and take care of me. He loved me deeply, that I never doubted. We had good times together. We were perfectly matched in a lot of areas. He is a hard worker with so many goals and amibitions, I know he will be a very successful man. There wasn’t anything that he wouldn’t have done for me. On the whole, the relationship wasn’t that bad. There were just certain key elements missing.

1) the sex: Though he felt good and gave me wonderful orgasms… our sex was pretty bland. I could count on my hand how many times he gave me oral. I needed more. I was becoming aware of urges I wanted fulfilled and he couldn’t do it for me. I also couldn’t do anything for him. The only form of foreplay he accepted was oral. I repeat.. the only. Yes, that means he was not one who enjoyed kisses all over his body, he did not enjoy caresses all over his skin. He just didn’t like anything. And let me add that he was not a great kisser. His tongue was usually hiding in the back of his mouth somewhere.

2) His work… it got in the way of everything. Everything! It was his life and it was all he could focus on and talk about.

3) Going to bed alone. He never could go to bed with me. And when he did, he would stay up on his laptop, read a book, or watch tv. We never went to bed as a couple.

Ok here is another interruption to my tale… a this point Amorphous and I are beginning to form a bond. At this time he was also blogging but not as Amorphous. Even before I told Patrick I was unhappy, Amophous and I had been communicating for months. But let’s get back to Patrick.

There is a lot to this tale… but maybe I’ll focus on other elements in a different post.. for now.. let’s discuss how things ended.

After telling Patrick that I wasn’t happy, things just started falling apart. I told him I hated the sleeping arrangement and he told me he couldn’t change that due to a disorder. I wish he would have informed me he had a disorder instead of leading me to believe his work was keeping him up at night. That’s when he started coming to bed with me, but reading a book or doing work on the laptop. It wasn’t enough for me.

Sex was always on his terms. We did it when he wanted it. I was always willing to give it to him because I wanted it too. So sex for me usually occured at 3 or 4 in the morning. he would wake me from my sleep and we would have sex. Once I stopped this cycle and then I just wasn’t getting any anymore. And I found out during a heated fight that he was jerking it off to porn since I told him to stop waking me up at night. I burst into tears and told him to just go ahead and wake me up then. I just wanted sex from him.

Things turned ugly. Patrick started saying that all the problems in our relationship were occuring because I had “issues.” he had all these theories as to what was wrong with me. I sat on the couch for two hours while he informed me what was wrong with me. Shortly after, I told him I was leaving. He begged me to seek therapy with him and I agreed. So together, we went to a psychologist.

I think Patrick was hoping that the Psychologist was going to tell me I had issues and the relationship would be fine if I wanted to change myself. But this wasn’t happening. After about 2 months of therapy.. some of which I did on my own due to his work… I made that tough decision to leave.

I left the man I loved because he would never make me happy. Sounds simple, but it rips my heart apart.. even to this day.

I left Patrick about 1 1/2 months ago. I know … not a lot of time has passed. After leaving Patrick, I did start things with Amorphous. He and I were going through the same things. We are helping each other through our healing processes. Some days I need a shoulder to lean on.. other days .. he does.

Do I think Amorphous and I are making a huge mistake by jumping into this? Absolutely not. How could I? I feel like I’ve found the best thing in my life. My only regret, is that Amorphous has to put up with the fact that my heart still has love for another man. I haven’t had adequate healing time. I still get angry, I still get sad. Patrick still occupies my mind at times, granted these thoughts are not always positive.

But I think Amorphous deals with this because I do the same for him. I believe he is going through the same internal fight. He had to break off a great relationship with a woman he loved and was with for years, but because she couldn’t make him happy.. he left her.

So Amorphous and I are helping each other heal and hopefully in doing so, we are also creating an amazing relationship that will stick around for years to come. And thus ends my journey of my past. This has drained me quite a bit and Amorphous has informed me that he is treating me to a special evening tonight. I am looking forward to it.

There will be a post sometime in the future.. as to how Amorphous and I came to be and how he fit into all of this. Until then.. thank you for taking the time to read this. Be well my friends.