Our Mad Existence

So, how, exactly did we come together? In a lot of ways, this is story was the genesis of this site, because there are a lot of reasons we can’t easily tell this story. But, perhaps, I can share it now.

It began at the end of last summer. I had just started a new hobby, I guess. Couldn’t really call it a job, given how woefully uncompensated the work was. At any rate, there I was, and I found myself meeting a torrent of people who linger around the many shadier, musty corners of the internet, a place I found myself oddly comfortable, if not fitting in. And there, I met mina. We lived on opposite ends of the country, so it was quite obvious that there were no intentions for either of us. But, as I read her work, I felt very captivated in the freedom of her writing, and the complete absence of shame, something my more traditional upbringing did not allow for.

So, we chatted for a bit, and I got my story. And that was supposed to be it. Of course, once you chat with someone online, the connection inevitably lingers. You are on their friends list, they are on yours, and boredom inevitably strikes. Then, one lonely night for her, while her boyfriend was out of town, she was flirting with me.

For a moment, I paused. In my past, I had a long history of borderline addiction to cybersex, and had quite thoroughly burned myself out, thank you. I didn’t really want this right then. But with her, I did. (This would prove a recurring pattern.)That night, things got remarkably deviant, well past what I ever had done, or thought I would do, in real life. (Readers of myself or mina will know that we blew right past that concept once we met.) As we chatted afterward, in our cyber-afterglow, I agreed, happily, to keep her company for the week while her boyfriend was out of town. For that week, we set the ethereal connection between us ablaze, in many ways that would later re-emerge in our respective domains. But the week ended, and so did our brief, virtual affair. In its place, a friendship grew, and blossomed. We began to share more of us, the real us, not just the identities we chose to inhabit online. To our mutual surprise we discovered not only how alike we were to each other, but the striking similarity of much of the unhappiness in our lives. Slowly, the barriers began to break down. Phone numbers were exchanged, and we simply talked on the phone about our lives. Day after day. Shocking amounts of cell phone minutes were consumed as we simply connected. Then came the most memorable Christmas present in years. I opened my email one day to the following message:

Wishing you a very Merry Christmas. Believe when I say I will be thinking of you fondly this holiday. Thank you for allowing me to put my trust in you. I feel that you and I will be sharing a life long relationship. So I send to you a precious gift …

The gift was simple. It was a picture of her, and ordinary picture of her smiling playfully. But it was her, and her face, something that I know she doesn’t just share. I looked at that picture dozens of times, in amazement, realizing how deeply involved we had really gotten, and loving it. This especially meant a lot to me as my own life was disintegrating, my marriage collapsing and my ability to tolerate my job falling with it.

Then, fall became a winter of discontent. I had a solid lead on a new job, even farther away from mina, but still, it was something new. My soon-to-be ex-wife and I were in therapy, and every session was being relayed to my increasingly close friend across the country, who found what I was learned echoed powerfully in her own life as well. Then began the most remarkable metamorphosis. First, my job prospect quietly fell through. Out of frustration I fired my resume out to a company near mina that I had done business with, a professional risk I had been unwilling to take, but I was now desperate to get out. Within days I had an offer, and I was jumping on a plane to finalize the details. Suddenly, there was a sense of opportunity.

She was alone again when I came to her town, and we met at a restaurant far on the other side from everyone. Sort of. For two hours I lingered as traffic held her up and she got lost. Over and over I fought with myself over staying or leaving and looking a fool. Once more, my phone rang. “You are not going to believe this…”I started to groan, “but I’m here.” I looked and there she was, smiling. A spell was cast. Dinner was an uncontrollable flirtation. We kept trying to change the conversation, to move into safe territory, but the demanding physical chemistry refused to let us remain innocent. I was trembling with desire. I wanted her, and I wanted her so badly that my body was unable to sit still. I looked like I was freezing in the warm night. But it was much simpler. The events that followed read like so much of a fantasy that it is hard to truly believe, even as we lived it, and re-lived it.

Carried away from that one night, we had our one time together, and that day changed everything, and sent us both down the long, dark twisting roadthat has so happily together now. But still, in so many ways, even though it was so long in coming, the implacable power of the desire from that first meeting still seems to compel so much our action today. The magic from that day will never be forgotten. However, that it has led to the magical relationship we now share with you, dear readers, makes it all the more wonderful.