Over the last few days, my brain has been regurgitating my memories of G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra like a past-its-prime Grand Slam Breakfast. I watched it while at home sick, and even now I still can’t let go of how impossibly stupid the movie was, especially when I was prepared to grade it on an incredible curve. I keep contemplating writing a post about it, to deconstruct it, to somehow help my traumatized brain process this wretched thing that happened to it. Why did Destro need someone to “weaponize” his own weapon? Why was Cobra Commander named Rex? Why didn’t any of these actors ask to be uncredited? Why did the make ice sink? Why did they have to give SnakeEyes those gigantic lips? Why, why, WHY?
But, let’s be honest. Everyone else is over it now. Those brain cells died of alcohol poisoning long ago. Which is why I was lucky to stumble upon The Celebrity Monster Cock Guide, brought to you by Lone Wolf Sullivan, right when I needed a mental colonic. Sorry pal, wrong place, wrong time.
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We were watching the Graham Norton Show, and Tom Jones was on. And any long conversation with Tom has to turn, eventually, to his Jones. But I was shocked that Mina had never taken in the legend of Tom Jones’s cock. Naturally I surged forth and googled it (to my surprise, Google didn’t perk up and offer it as an autofill) and I eventually probed the depths of the Net to find The Celebrity Monster Cock Guide. Now really, with a blog title like that, how do you walk away?
One of the things that I found strangely fascinating about living in LA, was the towering need of celebrities to allegedly slap their snakes to prove who was a mere python and who was a true anaconda. Of course, I had heard many of the stories about Milton Berle’s legendary swizzle stick (Just pull out enough to win!), and even some strange ones about one legendary dick demanding to prove his dick was bigger on the steps of the American Film Institute. So, I was prepared to stare down a tower of pulsating weirdness with a musty scent of hathos. I could not have had my expectations any wronger.
After unzipping the link, the column that flopped out on my screen slowly inched its way deeper into my mental list of the Worst Writing Ever. It’s not just the flaccid, humorless writing, it’s the absolutely rigid nature of the prose. If you imagine the fourth-grade book report for eight and half inches of paper: five paragraphs, five sentences per paragraph, only with less variety and less wit. First you start every paragraph with a declarative statement:
Troy Aikman: The American former quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys and TV sportscaster has a monster cock.
Gianni Agnelli: The Italian industrialist and main shareholder of Fiat had a cock over 10 inches long.
Michael Alstott: The American former fullback in the NFL has a “beercan” cock, “long and thick”.
Albert of Saxe-Coburg-Gotha: The Prince Consort of Queen Victoria of England had a mammoth cock, “indeed stallion sized”.
Dana Andrews: The American actor had a notorious huge thick cock and always displays a prominent bulge in his films.
Lest you think I am unfairly probing the darker recesses of his blog, I will offer that I selected those five first sentences since they are the first five. Here, I shall now, at random give you entries 8, 15, 16, 23, and 42.
John Barrowman: The Scottish American actor, dancer and singer is very well endowed and uncut.
Milton Berle: Comedian “Uncle Miltie” aka “The King Cock of Hollywood” had a monster cock, which he said measured 13 1/2 inches long.
Corbin Bernsen: The American actor has a monster cock.
Barry Bostwick: The actor and singer has a thick 9 inch cock.
Charles II: The King of England from 1660 to 1685 had a very huge cock.
Taking all that in? Good. Now, let’s swing over to what makes this blog a true gem. Our hero then spurts out a bit of additional information, mostly likely chosen be what is the least relevant to his statement:
Dennis Cole: The American TV actor in the 60′s and 70′s, a masculine blond, has a 9 inch cock. Before acting he was a model for men’s physique magazines and now works in Real Estate in Florida. His roles for TV shows include “Felony Squad”, “Love Boat”, “Charlie’s Angels”, “Three’s Company”, and he played Lance Prentiss on “The Young and the Restless”.
If that shift of topic made you jump at first, don’t worry, as those get comfortable once you adjust. Wait until you see how he finishes his relatively well-researched turn on Liam Neeson:
Liam Neeson: The Irish actor is said to be hung like a horse, but shy about his cock. He is uncut. His former girlfriend Helen Mirren mentioned in an interview, “Now he is a big boy!” Janice Dickinson said when Liam Neeson unzipped his pants, “an Evian bottle fell out.” Dickinson has claimed that the 6’4″ Neeson has “the biggest penis of any man alive.” When Neeson rose nude from a lake while filming a scene in “Rob Roy” a crew member exclaimed, “Look at the rope on that laddie!’ Best known for playing Oskar Schindler in “Schlindler’s List” and Qui-Gon Jinn in “Star Wars: Phantom Menace”, he is a practicing Roman Catholic and family man.
Wipe that one from your lips, readers. While I could go on lifting more shockingly bad reviews based on less evidence than the Loch Ness Monster, I would like to let one entry surge to the fore:
Patrick Stewart: The English actor who plays the pompous captain in TV’s “Star Trek TNG” has an 8 inch uncut cock and used to hang out at gay bath houses in LA. Internet photos of him nude are not impressive, and are considered fake. He dropped out of school at age 15, but probably because of his pretentious acting roles is Chancellor of the University of Huddersfield in the U.K. His films include: “Dune”, “Excalibur”, “Robin Hood: Men in Tights”, 3 “X-Men” movies, and 4 “Star Trek” movies.
Seriously, why the hate on Stewart? If you write a whole blog about cocks, why are you getting mad at the one actor who, as a complete person, looks more like a giant cock than any other? (Sorry, I can’t let my Picard love afford to me to be favoritist and ignore his obviously phallic dome.)
Somehow, after squeezing out a whopping 18,000 words, Lone Wolf Sullivan rebounds for seconds, listing off another mountain of celebrities who allegedly have huge cocks, but he has no proof.
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Really. Let that sink in. Just relax and let it happen. Somewhere, in 18,000 words not one of which is a citation worthy of the name, he feels he has proof to stiffen up the most ludicrous claims assembled, and and these guys, pardon the pun, come up short. After a Sunday paper worth of scuttlebutt and hearsay that aspires to be a rumor, now he draws the line. He will not admit that Sean Hannity’s right wang reaches the left wing without PROOF, goddamit.
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And with that, I encourage all of you, my dear readers, to reach behind yourself, press the little lever, and let the counterclockwise circulation wash the horrible away.

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