The Best Contest Ever – Mina (new posts below)

As promised, we are unleashing the best contest ever. This was born from the amazing birthday fuck we had together as we sensually taunted each other with our play with others, and the realization that there is an amazing twist we could put on this that would add enormously to our lives. What makes it so great? Well, let’s start with the most important thing:

The Grand Prize: Mina.

Swing

My head is still a jumble of thoughts, although conversations with Mina, and reading her post about it, have given me a little peace. Also, the irreplaceable Roxy has been a great source of sanity for me as well.

—

There is no such thing as planning to fail. Only failing to plan.

-Some cornball motivational poster

Those of you who only read the blog, or only follow us on Twitter will never get the full story, and, really, even if you do both there are so many twists and turns it’s hard to piece the whole journey together. There was this unusual first date with B and D, something that actually went amazingly well, except for a chemically-induced turn that led to Mina declining an invitation back to their place because somehow three drink in three hours was too much alcohol. We got  home, and she was in our bathroom, heaving and sobbing in humiliation, wondering how she could have made herself sick on alcohol again. Later, we patched it up with B and D, explaining that it really wasn’t them, at all. We, meaning I, wound up inviting them for dinner the following Saturday. B was on her period, as was Mina. While Mina and I have never let that stop us, they seemed averse to doing anything then. We invited them, and their daughter over, and the five of us hung out, and had a pleasant night together. But B was very clear with me that she wanted to get back together “under more playful circumstances.” So, I set up a date, for Thursday night.

As this was happening, Mina and I were struggling a bit with each other. She had not found the first foursome to her liking, and I was constantly failing to tell her what the plans were as I was making them, leaving her feeling even more left out. Though I managed to correct the course before the Thursday date, I still needed to tread carefully. Anyhow who has been over to my house knows one thing: I am an obsessive party planner. Mina still mocks me for the printed Excel sheet I made of my barbecue schedule for the Halloween party. (I was cooking five different dishes, and needed to plan when each one was going to be in the smoker or the oven.) I used to plan casino night parties, throw poker tournaments, and other events, and everyone always came because they knew I would be taking care of everything. I have this amazing combination of neurosis and insecurity, and it’s amazing how I can wind myself around the axle sometimes. The good news is that Mina has seen me plan many times, and she knows that if I am planning something for her, it will be wonderful. I’ve earned that bit of faith. :-)

So, yeah, with my second swing at the foursome game, I was determined to hit it out of the park. I wanted to make damned sure Mina was coming back for more, because I had loved our foursome with Don and Amy. My plan was pretty straightforward: make sure Mina gets taken care of at the front of the line, don’t let her be forgotten, and she’ll take care of me. How do you do that? Well, I decided that I would sort out a scenario for how the play would start, and let everyone color in the lines I drew. Using her incredible, gets-better-every-time-I-read-it At Your Service fantasy as inspiration, I decided I would collar her, set her in the closet, and lay out a brief menu of options for B and D. Once they decided what they wanted, I would put my pet to work. After we got Mina to the right place, then it would just be a free-for-all.

this time around

For those of you who don’t follow us on twitter, you probably have no idea that another foursome has been in the making. In fact, last night, said foursome happened.

I was nervous about this one, especially since the last one left me feeling a bit “meh”. I didn’t walk away from the last foursome as happy as Sylvanus did, so I was concerned that it would be the same story again. What really concerned me is whether or not jealousy would rear it’s ugly head. Sylvanus is a giving man and has spoiled me as far as pleasures of the flesh are concerned. I don’t want to be a greedy little bitch and want to treat him just as fairly. I want him to experience the pleasures of the flesh with other people as he has allowed me to do. With the last foursome, there were little twinges of jealousy that erupted. Of course, I also felt left out a bit with the last foursome.

This time however, Sylvanus made things different.

e[lust] #2

Photo courtesy of Twisted Monk

 

 

Welcome to e[lust] - your source for sexual intelligence and inspirations of lust from the smartest & sexiest bloggers! Whether you’re looking for hot steamy smut, thought-provoking opinions or expert information, you’re going to find it here. Want to be included in the next edition? Start with the rules, check out the schedule in the site’s sidebar and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

 

♦ This Week’s Top Three Posts ♦

The Heart of Darkness - “I swear that man can sense my fear like a hound scenting a rabbit, and just like the hound, his blood rises to it.”

 

Forever… – “Forever is a beautiful idea, a wonderful goal, but it’s not a magic spell.“

 

His First Fuck - “He stood there, obviously nervous, obviously aroused by what he had been witness to seconds earlier.”

 

◊ e[lust] Editress ◊

 

I Dare You - “Aided by our clutches of printed papers, me hiding my nipples that could cut glass and him hiding the hard bulge in his dress pants, we scurried back to our cubes where the messages flew back and forth.”

♦ Featured Post ♦

 

Who am I? – “I’ve been through a lot of shit in my life and couldn’t fit it all on one piece of poster board.”

 

See also: Pleasurists #55 for all your sex toy review needs

my flaw

I’ve been meaning to write this post for awhile now, but I have never had the energy to. Mostly because there is lots to say, but I can’t seem to get it all down.

Many people have different flaws. I can look in the mirror and tell you I don’t like my tummy or I wish my thighs were thinner, but those are things I can easily fix. Those are my perceived physical flaws. There is one emotional flaw that I don’t like very much about myself.

I have a high sensitivity to feeling left out.

It’s not necessarily the sensitivity that concerns me, it’s how it causes me to react. I have a whole span of emotions. I get very embarrassed about it too. I run from angry to jealous and even sad. Not to mention I very often pout and act like a brat.

So what causes me to feel this way?

It can be anything from watching a group of friends make plans with themselves and not include me. It can be making a friend, whom I introduce to other people and suddenly they are all making plans together without me. It doesn’t even have to be plans. It could be that a friend I thought I had, is suddenly no longer talking to me and is instead talking to friends I introduced them to. This has happened a few times with people I have introduced to Sylvanus. They talk to him a lot now and me not so much. I have gotten over that now *grins*. But there was a time that I felt very upset and hurt and pouty about it.

My sensitivity rears it’s ugly head very strongly when sex is involved. As many of you know, Sylvanus and myself are expanding our sex lives both physically and through the cyber world. He often reaches out to the couples. I am ok with that, but what ends up happening is, these couples talk to him more than me. So I do end up feeling very left out and it makes me get very jealous when I see him texting with everyone. It makes me a little angry to see him talking to all these people and they are not talking to me. It’s hard for me to get excited about meeting and playing with a couple when I feel like an outsider and this outsider feeling gets pulled into the bedroom as well. It could all be in my head, but it’s how I feel.

I’m not sure where my insecurities steamed from. Perhaps my last relationship when my ex preferred jerking off at night instead of sex with me. I was feeling left out of his intimacy. Or maybe my ex before him who always went out with friends without me, leaving me to believe he was not proud of the average looking girl on his model arm. I was always left out of his life.

It seems that I may have legitimate reasons for feeling left out, lack of communication between people, but what I don’t like are my emotional reactions to it. In my opinion they are a bit more intense than they need to be. I shouldn’t get pissy because someone is texting with Sylvanus and not me. You could say that I am just jealous that another woman is talking to him, but that’s not it. It’s a feeling of being left out from a conversation when I too am supposed to be interacting with the same person. These feelings happen with both women or men.

I’m not sure if what I meant has come out in this post. It feels a bit of a ramble and like it only had a quarter of my concentration… but oh well… it’s posting anyways…

What I’m Thankful For

This is just a short post, but I wanted to say it.

Three years ago, I lived somewhere else, I was married to someone else, who said she loved me, but had never made me happy. I was circling the drain into becoming a balding, 30-something divorcee with a kid out there. I didn’t want to be that, but I was facing a choice of murdering my soul or burning my life to the ground to hopefully find my happiness in the ashes. Mina wasn’t even called Mina then, but she was a friend that had brought out some things in me, and whose struggles mirrored my own.

As I went in to the dark world before me, Mina saw something in me worth having. And she, and she alone, was there for me in this darkest time.

Today, I have a new wife. She makes me happy, and she finds ways big and small to do it every day. She is the woman I have dreamed of. I have discovered BDSM, henna tattooing, boudoir photography, rope bondage, and open relationships, all through her. I enjoyed a world of amazing experimental possibilities, and I do because of her. All of these crazy new things are things that I want with her, because of her. I have an amazing mix of desires in my head because I share them with my wife.

But, there is a lot to our life that we don’t put on the blog. Till now:

• She has a soft smile when she wakes up, and her voice has this amazing lilt when she discovers something nice I did for her that morning.
• Her butt gets ice cold in bed, and I love snuggling up to it, because I’m always too warm.
• When we are spooning in bed, her being shorter makes her body fit mine perfectly. My feet tuck right under hers, and her head lands in the perfect spot.
• She makes these soft moans when I rub her back. These always keep me rubbing her longer.
• When I have had a long hard day at work and just need an hour to myself to get my head back together, she lets me have that time.
• When I really should be talking about things, she always asks what is wrong.
• She has given me the three best birthdays of my life.
• She is the only person I have made love to on Christmas.
• She finds the best birthday cards of anyone.
• She watches my crap TV without complaint. And pretends to like it.
• We have a huge zoo in our house, and she takes great care of every one of our animals.
• I get every hug that’s a little too long that I need. Without asking.

No matter what happens, I will always love Mina, and I want her forever. For finding a love like this when I felt like no one would ever love me again, I am thankful. And I will always be thankful for my amazing, beautiful Mina.

 

HNT ~ Thankful

What am I thankful for this year? My beautiful new wife.

Here is a picture of us, sporting our new wedding bands, HNT style.

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HNT Gallery 2009

Thought, Provoked

This afternoon I was texting with a friend that Mina and I had been doing henna art on the night before. Our conversation eventually lapsed into distraction. In summary, she had recently converted religion, and as a consequence was having to give up her lust for women.

Of course, this strikes right into the very heart of my nature, and, I’m embarrassed to admit I almost immediately felt the need to challenge this. I know better than that, of course, and it’s really rude to take someone’s freshly minted religion and start scribbling on it with your own Sharpie. So, some apologies were warranted.

But, it also threw me into another world of thought, as I flashed back to when I was trying to cope with my own sexuality in a sex-free marriage. I was captive to a religious system that boxed sex away as “original sin.” It was for procreation only, and the fact that it resulted in orgasm was deeply complicated. Lust, of course, IS one of the seven deadly sins. Though I spent years denying it, fighting it, trying to expunge it from my spirit so I could be happy in my marriage. My marriage, of course, was a holy institution, and one i was committed to for life. I could also see how my lust was hurting my wife, when I would be feeling cranky from frustration, or downright hostile. At the same time, I was never comfortable with the turn a lot of people in my church had towards people who were gay. I will never forget my uncle telling me the Bible says we should stone the gay people because they worship a different god, or my cousins telling my sister she couldn’t “do” her black boyfriend at the time. None of that really suited my more tolerant nature.

I eventually realized that lust would never go away. So, once I accepted that the lust was an immutable part of who am I, just as gayness was unchangeable part of others, I had other questions to confront. Why did God make me want sex? Why put this thing in me that is unholy? Why make gay people?

When you stare into the abyss of realizing that Heaven has no place for you, you start facing other possibilities. Is God cruel, if He exists at all? There came a separate thought process that challenged God’s existence in my head (I officially describe myself as agnostic) but there was another distillation to be had as I started seeing the reactions of people as my divorce became public. I discovered how many people’s reactions were really reflections of their own relationships, and I began peeling back the shiny veneers of the relationships around me. There are so many people out there who are so miserable trying to fit in a role that defined for them. It’s sad, for me, to see people repressing themselves, or parts of themselves, because I always see the seeds of sadness being planted.

The psychological wringer that is the sexual closet is one of those inevitable, unstoppable machines you always wish you could pull someone out of, because you know, personally the hell they are careening into. I could see the joy people who finally leave the closet had, and I remember personally all the time I spent untying the knots I put in my own head. But what makes me angry, angry, was the realization that I had done all this self-flagellation against the person God made me to conform to the rules Man had written from very dark places in his own psyche. It was the same set of laws that had my uncle stoning gay people, and my cousins hiding from interracial desires.

I harbor a very deep seated skepticism of any rules regulating sexual behavior. I think, as I look at many rules putting strictures on people’s sexual behavior, it comes from protecting the discomfort of most uptight around us. What pains me is the idea that in this short, short slice of existence we are given in the sweep of eternity, that we are supposed to deny ourselves the true connections we can feel, that are as much a part of our spirit as our bones and muscles, that hurt no one, but warm everyone they touch, because someone a hundred years ago, or a thousand years ago, was uncomfortable with the idea that any sperm might go to waste, that any woman might not need a man, or that the world might proceed in a way that was not in his control.

My life is too short to yield to someone else’s thoughtless taboo any more.

But that’s my philosophy. Not yours. And, every once in a while, it’s good to open up that old chest in your mental attic, blow the dust off and see if it still makes sense. While I still like it for me, it’s MY philosophy, and mine only.

mortal

Sometimes, at night while laying in bed with Sylvanus, I think about things I shouldn’t think or worry about. Sometimes I can’t help it. From time to time, my mind drifts into wishing that Sylvanus and I had met in our 20s. He says I say that quite often and I ask him if he knows why. Sylvanus tells me that it’s because our bodies would be even younger back then. Though that is true, I just wish we had met in our 20s because it would give us more time together on this earth.

The tears begin to flow and I hold back the sobs. I bury my face in his chest, a thin sheet between my tears and his chest. I lay there, tears streaming down my face and wonder how long it will take for them to pool and penetrate the thin fabric beneath.

My mind is locked on how short our mortal lives are. Having met in our 20s, we would have that much more time together. Yes, we are both very aware that we met when the time was right. It’s why we love each other so deeply and appreciate each other so much.

Through my tears, I confess to Sylvanus that I have very silly thoughts. I wish at times that there really were vampires in this life. We could live together, immortal forever. Our story is just too wonderful to end one day. We could be together forever. He was sweet enough to tell me I was not being silly.

I am scared of getting old. I don’t want to. I want us to both be young for a very very long time. I don’t want to think of our bodies getting old and unable to keep up with the lives we want to lead. I know that this is YEARS away from happening, but you know, each year passes faster than the last. Time just seems to tick away.

I guess what I am saying is.. right now… Sylvanus and I are really truly happy. This is the time of our lives and I can’t help but want that to last forever exactly as we are right now. I love you Sylvanus and I wish we could have hundreds of years together.

HNT ~ Star

At the Bizarre Bazaar, I finally treated myself to some dyed hemp bondage rope. Of course, new rope calls for new tricks, so Mina has been having to put up with my incessant desire to practice. This is the Star Harness, on Half Nekkid Thursday. Enjoy.

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HNT Gallery 2009

i haz a sad

Today I am hosting a pity party… won’t you come join me? Today is just one of those days where the reality of everything just sets in. It gets overwhelming sometimes.

Times are tough financially for me (for us?). I have past debts that I still carry with me. It was fine when I was employed, but now I am unemployed and have been since March. My unemployment checks are barely enough. If my calculations are right, they do cover my debts as well as handle the household utility payments. However, that leaves very little spending room for anything else, like trips to the grocery store.

The reality is, I’m not very good at denying myself from things either. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t go to the store and spend hundreds of dollars on things I don’t need. Every once in awhile, I cave. Like this past weekend. We went to the Bizarre Bazaar and I spent $20 on a heart lock necklace and $15 on a soft rabbit fur glove. Sylvanus bought a few new canes, so I was really wanting a soft fur glove to counteract the ouch. Is $35 really so bad? No, it isn’t, but it’s $35 I spent on something I don’t need. I’m doing the best I can. Every day I try harder to resist. There are some things that I can’t resist with. For instance, Lady Gaga is in concert here next month, I’m not missing that and so bought tickets using my credit card. (I know, bad girl). Her new album comes out in a few days. It’s only 8 songs so it’s going to be $8 at Best Buy. I can’t help it…. I will own it.

Why don’t I just get a job? Well, here is the problem. Every possible job in my area that I would consider taking, currently pays me half of what I make on unemployment. I am not over exaggerating. It is the truth. I was making really good money at my old job and so get the maximum for unemployment. Right now, all the jobs in my line of work (don’t ask cuz I won’t tell) offer part time at minimum wage. So you can see that taking a job for the sake of saying I have a job, does not help me financially. I have been applying for jobs in my field. Everything I am qualified for is out of state.

Which brings me to the fact that Sylvanus and I really don’t want to leave CA. It’s looking inevitable though. Even though Sylvanus makes great money, he also struggles. At least, that is the impression I get. He has a lot of his own debts and handles our rent. He can’t help me on my debts and make his ends meet. If you’ve been a reader for awhile now, you know he’s been miserable at his job and has been looking for a new one. Unfortunately, everything he has been looking for is out of state. His boss has come back and said that he has a new job that Sylvanus could possibly take. A different position that Sylvanus likes the prospect of, but a) he’d still be working for his miserable boss and b) it would come with a pay cut. Neither of those options work for us. So it seems to be painfully clear that if Sylvanus and I want to survive, we may have to pack our things and move somewhere else in the hopes that one day, we can come back.

I really liked my job. No, I take it back, I really LOVED my job. Yes, it was hard with one day off a week and being on call constantly. It was physically and mentally draining and towards the end, there was a lot of bull shit going on. But, I loved my actual job and was willing to work there till the day I retire. I miss that job. I can’t think about it without tearing up (many of you may not be able to understand. When I lost my job months ago, I made a protected post that allowed those close to me to learn just what it is I do.) I can go back and visit anytime I want, but the thought of it just makes me sad. It’s just so hard. It was a unique job and I loved it and I’m not going to find anything like it ever again. I can say that with great confidence. Now if I want to stay in my field, I have to consider jobs I’ve never wanted to take for much less pay. This frustrates the hell out of me.

It may be time for to consider going into a new career. One easier to find work in and will pay me better. As I look around my home, there are many things I could part with. Many material objects … but no one is buying anything these days. I have one item of value in my home right now, my parrot. I’m considering it more and more each day.

—-

People suck and not in the good way. I’ve been hurt many times in the past. You learn from it and you get smart and sometimes it makes you look like a bitch. I don’t put up with people’s shit and I don’t make excuses for them for very long. Actions speak louder than words. Don’t make me any promises because ALL promises are made to be broken. I have learned that not everybody has to like me and not everybody has to desire me in order for me to feel validated as a person.

It seems that when I let people into my more intimate life, they disappear eventually. Yes, I know, not all things come with a guarantee. People are people and you can’t expect them to be around forever. Is it too much to ask to find the few that will? It’s been 1 week since Vic last contacted me. I have contacted him through text and email. I am not making any more excuses for him. It’s done and it’s over. Someone who doesn’t have the time for me or have the courtesy to tell me life is a little hard right now I’m going to be MIA for a bit, doesn’t deserve to fuck me or have my time. (you are already making excuses for him aren’t you?) Don’t worry about it, what’s done is done. He may call me one day with an explanation. I’m not holding my breath.

I hesitate to make anyone who came into my life as a friend, cross that line into intimacy. In my experience, it’s setting them up to disappear. There are some people I don’t want to have leave. I would very much like the people that share the bedroom with both Sylvanus and I to be more than just a booty call. We would like to be able to be friends as well. We would like to be able to hang out and talk. I’d like someone who can also talk to me during the day. Tell me naughty things and get me excited for when Sylvanus gets home at the end of a work day.

The internet works the very same way. Obviously because of distance, there are many people who come into my life through the internet. There are those that show up one day, we have a bit of flirtatious fun and then that’s it. No harm, no foul. Nothing more.

I am, however, always craving the proper mind fuck. There have been people in my past that I have instantly connected with. There is this primal spark. There is this immediate knowledge that we mesh well and have great chemistry. Those are rare and they should be. One of two things happens with these people. One: they also disappear. Two: They just don’t have enough time for me and so, disappear. I keep myself very guarded now. On the internet and in person. I won’t let myself give in to someone. I am convinced it will all end in disappointment. So why set myself up for hurt when I can settle for disappointment? I can let myself fall for someone in time. They prove to me that they are special by giving me their time and their efforts along side of my own first. It’s been awhile since I’ve met someone like that.

In a perfect world, I’d meet a woman who is my friend and my lover and makes me feel comfortable sharing her with Sylvanus. I’ll want all of us to spend time together. In a perfect world, I’ll meet a man who can excite me with his words and be invited into the bedroom with Sylvanus and myself. In a perfect internet world, I’ll meet a special person(s) that I connect with strongly and we spend lots of time being naughty and seductive over the distance. Photos, stories and inspiration exchanged. An exciting mind fuck. A relationship that goes beyond IMs and emails, into video chats, text messages and phone calls and maybe one day meeting in person.

Sylvanus asked me last night if it’s worth it for him to go on a new search to find me a “boyfriend” with all this disappointment and hurt that keeps on flowing. “It took me more than ten years to find you,” I answered him. “There’s always hope that the right person is out there and it may take just as long.”

~”It’s never too late to live happily ever after.” (quote on my bracelet I’ve been wearing since the day I got married)