It has been months since I have last written here. Truth is, I suppose that last post was goodbye. In fact when this post gets published onto my twitter timeline, it will be a startling discovery to many. “Oh! It has been awhile since I’ve seen Mina around here!” I’m not coming back. I think Mina’s days are over. The Mina who lived 31 years of her life in Los Angeles is no more. The Mina who lived those brief 10 months in upstate NY, is no more. Today, I’m not sure who I am anymore, but it isn’t “Mina the sex blogger”. That’s part of the problem really. I’m a whole different person now. I’ve had to move on with my life. It’s time I start making a life for myself. It’s time I start learning the language of the country I’m living in. It’s time I start making some real life friends. It’s time I start finding a job and getting back to the things I really love. When I look in the mirror, I’m not satisfied with what I see there and it’s time I change that too. I feel like a shell of the person I once was, but I don’t mean that to sound as dramatic as it comes off. I just mean, it’s time I fill that shell up with the person I am to become, now that I have made a new life. I have a new home and a new car, I’ve even managed to make a few new friends. Slowly but surely I’ll get there. There is no worse feeling than to know, that all the things that bring me down are really all my fault. If I want to make a better life, I need to actually do it.
I do know one thing though, there are three things, essentially the three things that helped me create this and other blogs, that I no longer find happiness in.
- sex blogging – I find absolutely no joy in sex blogging anymore. This should come as no surprise since I’ve not been doing any sex blogging. Really, eroticon 2013 taught me that I am not a very good writer and just a few weeks after I came home from the conference, I began to pull away from that world. I don’t have the energy, nor the behavioral characteristics required to be a sex blogger. I’ve come to realize that no matter how much effort I put into writing something or sharing my story, there is aways someone out there that does it much better. I will be making my final appearance as Mina, in October, where I will be attending eroticon USA. I still don’t know why I even bought a ticket, but I do know at least there are people there I will be very happy to spend some time with. So, if you are going, you’ll get to see me one last time. I do not foresee myself attending anymore sex blogging events in the future.
- BDSM – well, you all know I’ve lost that loving feeling. I really can’t believe it myself, but I’ve lost all desire for the kink world. I have no passion to find a dominant man in my life. I don’t sit around longingly wishing I had someone to play out d/s scenes with. Is it truly over though? Most likely not. But the thought of submitting to someone right now is not a turn on and it terrifies me. I just feel like everyone out there is playing a game. I am so tired of throwing myself into a d/s relationship and not having it work out. I know I would be foolish to say I will never be interested in it again, because I know I can be with the right partner. Just yesterday I had thoughts about how nice having a daddy would be. I just don’t sit here anymore wishing for it with all my might and I don’t sit here with d/s fantasies either. Sadly, I am also finding it very difficult to relate to people who are in d/s relationships and only talk about that.
- Polyamory- It’s a nice thought and all, but I can’t seem to make it work. I know it can work, as I watch everyone around me have a lot of success, but it’s just not working for me. I suppose, like with BDSM, the problem is me. Some will say it’s my location. Perhaps that is true. I know I’ve made my own mistakes when dating and have chosen to date monogamous, single men, only to get burned when they find a monogamous partner. But, I’ve not had better luck with men who claim to be polyamorous, either. I think I’ve come to the conclusion that I need to narrow my requirements even further by only dating polyamorous men who already have a primary relationship. As much as people can be polyamorous, it is very rare to come across someone who is not looking for a primary partner and does in fact treat all their partners as equal. The majority of people out there are still looking for someone they will spend their lives with, just the polyamorous people will add a few more to that list as secondaries and so on. When I date someone who is polyamorous but dating, what inevitably happens is someone better comes along. Someone they can have a primary relationship with and well, that’s more than I can offer. So, I get pushed to the side while they pursue other women. It shouldn’t happen because they are polyamorous, but hey, it does, because when you’re looking for something that could last a lifetime, that’s a priority. Having said all this though, one of my most heartbreaking secondary relationships was with a man who already had a primary relationship and was strictly in my life as a Dominant! So yay for double whammies! I’m not saying I am done being polyamorous. Oh no. That’s not something I can just shut off. I’m just saying I am done looking and I am not actively hoping someone will come along. It’s nice knowing I have the option should someone special come into my life, but right now, I’m not interested.
All the things that made Mina, “Mina”, no longer make me happy. So, come October 19th, it will most likely be the last time the world sees Mina. I have moved on and focused on other things. I’m not gone completely and can be found in other corners of the social world. I’m just not a sex blogger anymore. I don’t plan on deleting any of my blogs, but that doesn’t mean that wordpress won’t do it for me one day. At Longing’s End, has come to an end.
© At Longings End