so, this is the end

September 19, 2013

It has been months since I have last written here. Truth is, I suppose that last post was goodbye. In fact when this post gets published onto my twitter timeline, it will be a startling discovery to many. “Oh! It has been awhile since I’ve seen Mina around here!” I’m not coming back. I think Mina’s days are over. The Mina who lived 31 years of her life in Los Angeles is no more. The Mina who lived those brief 10 months in upstate NY, is no more. Today, I’m not sure who I am anymore, but it isn’t “Mina the sex blogger”. That’s part of the problem really. I’m a whole different person now. I’ve had to move on with my life.  It’s time I start making a life for myself. It’s time I start learning the language of the country I’m living in. It’s time I start making some real life friends. It’s time I start finding a job and getting back to the things I really love. When I look in the mirror, I’m not satisfied with what I see there and it’s time I change that too. I feel like a shell of the person I once was, but I don’t mean that to sound as dramatic as it comes off. I just mean, it’s time I fill that shell up with the person I am to become, now that I have made a new life. I have a new home and a new car, I’ve even managed to make a few new friends. Slowly but surely I’ll get there. There is no worse feeling than to know, that all the things that bring me down are really all my fault. If I want to make a better life, I need to actually do it. 

I do know one thing though, there are three things, essentially the three things that helped me create this and other blogs, that I no longer find happiness in. 

  1. sex blogging – I find absolutely no joy in sex blogging anymore. This should come as no surprise since I’ve not been doing any sex blogging. Really, eroticon 2013 taught me that I am not a very good writer and just a few weeks after I came home from the conference, I began to pull away from that world. I don’t have the energy, nor the behavioral characteristics required to be a sex blogger. I’ve come to realize that no matter how much effort I put into writing something or sharing my story, there is aways someone out there that does it much better. I will be making my final appearance as Mina, in October, where I will be attending eroticon USA. I still don’t know why I even bought a ticket, but I do know at least there are people there I will be very happy to spend some time with. So, if you are going, you’ll get to see me one last time. I do not foresee myself attending anymore sex blogging events in the future. 
  2. BDSM – well, you all know I’ve lost that loving feeling. I really can’t believe it myself, but I’ve lost all desire for the kink world. I have no passion to find a dominant man in my life. I don’t sit around longingly wishing I had someone to play out d/s scenes with. Is it truly over though? Most likely not. But the thought of submitting to someone right now is not a turn on and it terrifies me. I just feel like everyone out there is playing a game. I am so tired of throwing myself into a d/s relationship and not having it work out. I know I would be foolish to say I will never be interested in it again, because I know I can be with the right partner. Just yesterday I had thoughts about how nice having a daddy would be. I just don’t sit here anymore wishing for it with all my might and I don’t sit here with d/s fantasies either. Sadly, I am also finding it very difficult to relate to people who are in d/s relationships and only talk about that. 
  3. Polyamory- It’s a nice thought and all, but I can’t seem to make it work. I know it can work, as I watch everyone around me have a lot of success, but it’s just not working for me. I suppose, like with BDSM, the problem is me. Some will say it’s my location. Perhaps that is true. I know I’ve made my own mistakes when dating and have chosen to date monogamous, single men, only to get burned when they find a monogamous partner. But, I’ve not had better luck with men who claim to be polyamorous, either. I think I’ve come to the conclusion that I need to narrow my requirements even further by only dating polyamorous men who already have a primary relationship. As much as people can be polyamorous, it is very rare to come across someone who is not looking for a primary partner and does in fact treat all their partners as equal. The majority of people out there are still looking for someone they will spend their lives with, just the polyamorous people will add a few more to that list as secondaries and so on. When I date someone who is polyamorous but dating, what inevitably happens is someone better comes along. Someone they can have a primary relationship with and well, that’s more than I can offer. So, I get pushed to the side while they pursue other women. It shouldn’t happen because they are polyamorous, but hey, it does, because when you’re looking for something that could last a lifetime, that’s a priority. Having said all this though, one of my most heartbreaking secondary relationships was with a man who already had a primary relationship and was strictly in my life as a Dominant! So yay for double whammies! I’m not saying I am done being polyamorous. Oh no. That’s not something I can just shut off. I’m just saying I am done looking and I am not actively hoping someone will come along. It’s nice knowing I have the option should someone special come into my life, but right now, I’m not interested. 

All the things that made Mina, “Mina”, no longer make me happy. So, come October 19th, it will most likely be the last time the world sees Mina. I have moved on and focused on other things. I’m not gone completely and can be found in other corners of the social world. I’m just not a sex blogger anymore.  I don’t plan on deleting any of my blogs, but that doesn’t mean that wordpress won’t do it for me one day. At Longing’s End, has come to an end.

© At Longings End


this isn’t goodbye

May 2, 2013

Changes are slowly coming. I think I have found my way. One day at a time, one foot forward, I will rediscover myself and find my way. This isn’t goodbye. I’ll still be around. I need this blog and I need Mina. At Longings End will slowly change and become more of a polyamorous blog. My twitter account and this blog are not going any where, but activity on either one may slow down quite a bit. I have decided that Longings End and everything associated with it, will be strictly for subject matter involving, sex, kink and polyamory. This includes my @mydesire twitter account. 

I have made myself a new blog home. There, I will write more freely about so many subjects, including my daily life. Things I don’t want to have directly connected to Mina and this blog. Sure, it’s not going to take a genius for someone who has gotten to know Mina over the years to recognize her over in a different place and that’s ok. I’m not too worried about people who know Mina, being able to recognize her over at a more “vanilla” place. I can only hope that people respect the different accounts and keep them separate, for me. 

If you feel like you’d enjoy following me on a blog that has to do with everything BUT sex, keep in mind polyamory will not be mentioned there either, feel free to contact me via email or leave a comment here if you wish. Just make sure the email you use to comment here is one I can reply to. My one request is that you keep Mina separate from this new identity. I don’t mind that people can figure it out (like I said, it’s not going to take a genius), I just don’t want to be so blatantly open about it. 

mydesireblog at gmail dot com 

xo mina 

 

 


a second date with MM – anal pleasures

May 1, 2013

Now that the first date was out of the way with MM, I felt a lot more relaxed about our second one. This still didn’t prevent the flutter of butterflies as I arrived at the train station and stepped off the train. Coincidentally, our trains arrived a minute apart from opposite directions and across from each other on the platform. This didn’t prevent a bit of a delay in our finding each other, as we got off the trains and unfortunately, walked in separate directions of each other. Finally, though, we did find each other in the main hall of the train station and we walked together to our hotel. 

Our room was standard. Again we had the lovely swiss standard of having two beds pushed together to create our one large bed. I really wish they would stop doing that. Our bathroom was a bit odd, but it would do. At least there were no hideous paintings on the wall. MM asked if I would mind if he took a shower before we headed out to dinner. Inside the wheels of my head were turning and I told him I wouldn’t mind at all. As he went for a shower, I decided to prepare myself. 

I had decided, on the train, that it would probably be good to have sex before dinner, just to kind of get that out of the way, instead of having it hang over us during dinner. So, while MM was in the shower, I stripped my lower half down to my thong and left my bra and shirt on. My shirt matched my thong and bra set perfectly in color. I was on my stomach, with my cell phone in hand, keeping myself entertained, when MM emerged from the shower in a towel. He took one look at my naked ass, and smiled with an expression on his face like, “What do we have here?” All I wanted to do was suck his cock to climax. He ran his hands over my ass cheeks and his cock began to swell from within the towel. I turned around and MM helped me unwrap and remove the towel from his body and my lips immediately went to his cock, eliciting a moan from his lips. 

Eventually, he was laying supine on the bed, and my bra and shirt were a puddle on the floor. I sucked his cock and his moans rose and fell like my movements on his erection. I realized I had neglected to pay much attention to other parts of him, so my lips and tongue drifted downward to his balls. His moans grew louder. I took each one into my mouth, suckling them. I lapped at them. I let my tongue drift downward still, licking at his perineum which elicited even more pleasurable moans from him. Farther still, I let my mouth discover his body until my tongue was rimming his asshole. This was met with encouraging groans by him. I licked, sucked and lapped at his balls, perineum and anus. Eventually, I let go of his cock and decided he would be best at manually making himself climax. Besides, I really had other areas of his body to focus on. 

The more I pressed my tongue against his asshole, the more he gave me the impression he’d like me to go farther. So, I did. As I licked his perineum and ass, I let my finger gently press against him. He moaned enthusiastically. That was all that I needed. Wet with my saliva, I pushed me middle finger inside him very slowly. I allowed his body to slowly and gently open up to my penetration. The farther my finger slipped inside him, the louder his moans grew, until finally I was pushed to the hilt. I continued to lick his perineum as he stroked his cock. My finger moved back and forth within him gently. Gradually, I picked up the pace, matching his own vigorous stroking with my finger rapidly thrusting into him. My goal was to stimulate his prostate. 

It’s a wonderful feeling, to fuck a man’s ass with my finger. The rim of his asshole is tight around the base of my finger, almost rough, but inside, his ass is swollen and soft to the touch. The swell of soft flesh inside him, made me aroused. As he stroked himself, I thrusted into him, hitting this swollen area. His moans grew louder. His anal muscles tightened and released continuously around me. Every time he tightened, his gland swelled larger. I continued to lick and fuck his ass as he stroked. His moans would rise and fall until finally, they rose and rose. His muscles began to tighten up. I began to to get excited. I wanted to make him cum. 

His orgasm pulsed through his body with ferocity. His anus rhythmically clenched around my finger. I watched as each spurt of ejaculate landed on his stomach, white trails of liquid intermingling with the dark hair of his body. I smiled. Every time he thought he was done climaxing, one more pulse from his cock, met with a tightening around my finger, released yet another spurt of pleasure. I waited, enjoying the moment, and enjoying the feel of his anus tight around my finger, occasionally pulsing. Only when it seemed the orgasm was finally over, did I slowly slip my finger from his ass. 

He had made a mess of himself and I was smiling because I helped create that pleasure-filled mess. He cleaned himself up and not before returning the favor with pleasurable results on my end, did we finally go out for dinner. Both of us sated for the time being. Knowing that when dinner was over and we returned back to the room, we’d be back in bed, fucking once more. 

© At Longings End 


I’ve lost that loving feeling

April 29, 2013

Dear D/s, 

I am no longer in love with you. Trust me, this comes as a great shock to me as well. It also comes with great sadness. You have brought me many years of happiness, but as my new eyes have slowly seen more and more of your community and as I have had my own experiences within it, they have made me grow sour to your ways. It really is a shame too. In general, I agree with many of your ways and actually find it quite valuable. Your values of strength, confidence, being non judgmental, consent, safety, letting people explore their kinks without feeling ashamed of them, are all wonderful things. Sadly though, the majority of people who represent you, D/s, are, quite frankly, cocking it all up for you. 

That’s not to say that there aren’t some shining individuals or couples that do you justice, D/s, because there are. Sadly, it is easier for me to name who they are, instead of the cock ups. It should really be the other way around. 

D/s is increasingly becoming the lifestyle people run to when they don’t want to face their issues. You and I both know, this is unhealthy and not what d/s is supposed to be about. It comes as no coincidence that this is a popular lifestyle amongst those unhappy with their partners and straying out of the relationship. This is also popular amongst women with virtually no self esteem, who treat d/s like therapy. As if their prince charming, is actually a dark prince who is going to fix everything by having her submit to his every ill conceived wish, damaging her even farther. D/s is not therapy and when treated in such a way, the harsh reality of it will be ripped from your mind like the band aid it is. D/s will fuck you up in the head. D/s is also, unfortunately, the mask abusive men wear to justify their actions. 

I still have some love for you D/s and very fond memories. I’ve had some truly wonderful experiences because of you, but I’ve also had some massive heart aches and abandonments because of you. Today, I have an ex Master, who once loved me dearly, searching for a new submissive in his life (or perhaps has/has had a new submissive in his life), with the one lesson learned, in that he will never fall in love with a submissive again. (At least, this is what I assume is the lesson he took away from our experience together. We’re not talking anymore, he abandoned me). Today, the only lessons I have learned from d/s is that it is full of heartache and disappointments and well, why would I want to run back to it?

The things that used to bring me such joy, just bring me boredom, contempt, or disinterest. D/s, you’re just not challenging anymore! There’s too much generic floating around these days. Oh, you’re married and cheating and want a little online play thing? Do tell me more. Oh, you want me to shove many different objects up my ass? That’s a surprise. You don’t want me to wear panties? How risqué! When I dress for you it’s only in short skirts and extremely high heels and especially when we are not together? Never saw that coming. You want me to expose myself to an innocent bystander while out in public and you’re not around to see it? How exciting. You want me to be your anal slut? That’s so taboo! You want to deny me orgasms? I’ll never survive! Oh look, another submissive mantra about being a good submissive and serving “Him”. I shall have to take this one to heart. It goes on and on D/s, and in case my writing doesn’t make it clear, I was absolutely being sarcastic about every one of those items. Sure, they had me wide eyed and eager in the beginning, but I want more. You know what I’m talking about, D/s. You know you have a lot more to offer than these little games. I’ve seen it. I’ve experienced it. Where has it all gone? The Mind Fuck. 

I guess this means I am not a true submissive, or at least, that is what the majority of the people in your community would tell me, D/s. Did you know, that for being as open and non judgmental of a lifestyle, a lot of these people seem to think they know what the one and only right way of being in your lifestyle is? I know! It seems so…. generic and one sided, with no room to explore. I can only be a submissive if I fall into a very specific category and follow specific behavioral traits. It gets even narrower if I choose to be specific within my submission, like say, being a “little” or a “ponygirl”. Oh and it’s not just with submissives, the same is being held against dominants as well. They can only be one way, or they just aren’t dominant enough, or are doing it completely wrong in the first place. People have lost track that d/s, just like any other type of relationship, requires the right chemistry between two people. Just because one dominant and one submissive don’t work together, doesn’t mean that they are not dominant or submissive individually. I mean, we don’t believe that someone can’t be a boyfriend or a girlfriend to someone else, just because they failed with another person, do we? Many people within the community have been heard saying, “My kink may not be your kink and that is ok.” Unfortunately, not many actually act like this. “Oh, wait, you like my kink, but, you don’t like all of my kink and you do it a bit differently than I do, so, fuck you and you fail at this kink.” 

Oh, D/s, I do love many things about you and I will still explore these things individually with people. Like all the fun, physical aspects I enjoy, I don’t plan on giving up, but I am able to separate those from you as a whole lifestyle. To be in a committed, d/s relationship, where I am labeled as being someone’s submissive and he is my dominant, has lost all interest for me today. I’d rather explore kinks with my “vanilla” lovers than get into some kind of d/s relationship, even if it is just a play partner. I know, D/s, this saddens me too. It was not long ago, I still had dreams of wearing a collar with my Owner’s name on it. It was not long ago, I still ached to submit. It was not long ago, I wanted a dominant figure in my life to allow me to let go of the responsibilities of my day to day life and just submit, for a block of time.

I love you, D/s, but I am no longer in love with you. I will always have love for you. Even today, I still hold that tiny bit of hope that you will come back into my life and renew my love for you. That you will send that challenge I’ve been longing for. I just no longer ache for it. That’s what happens when you fall out of love. 

Sincerely, 

Mina

© At Longings End 

 


Product Review: iGino One

April 23, 2013

20130130012059-igino_small_image

I’ve been reviewing products off and on for a few years now. In the beginning, it was quite exciting to try out all these different products and expand my toy collection. Eventually though, the reality of it all sets in. There are only so many ways to make something phallic that vibrates. They all start to be the same and as far as rabbit style vibrators go, well we know they have exhausted the animal kingdom on those as well. In all honesty, sex toy testing has become quite boring and I rarely do it anymore. Exceptions are made for certain companies that I know I love their products and any product that is designed in such a way I have never seen before. The iGino One, is such a product. I was happy to accept when they asked me to review their product for them. 

First of all, I’d like to encourage you to visit their page and watch the short video there. That page will give you all the information and inspiration behind the product itself. 

click to make big

click to make big

As the iGino Team says, most women can’t orgasm through penetration alone. I am one of these women. I must have clitoral stimulation in order to have an orgasm. The team set out to design a product that mimic’d the movement of a woman’s

click to make big

click to make big

fingers stimulating herself while discarding the phallic look. The iGino One was a product made to be easily carried around while being extremely discreet. It can easily fit into a pocket or purse. I have taken a picture of it next to my cell phone for size comparisons. 

What I like about this product: 

  • An innovative new design that discards the phallic look. 
  • Charges by USB. You can plug it directly into your computer, or use one of the cords and plugs it comes with. 
  • Slim design means it can fit between two bodies during intercourse. 
  • Made from safe materials such as EVA and ABS plastics. 
  • A hygienic cover to keep it all clean when not in use. 

What I don’t like about this product: 

  • It may be discreet in sight, but not in sound. This product does make noise when in use and would not be ideal for a secret escape in the office loo, for example. I worry about it being a little too distracting during couple play. 
  • It comes in one standard vibration with no adjustment to power. For some, the power may be too much or not enough. However, it should be said that the skinTouch head attachment, does help lessen the power of the vibrations while adding a softer touch. 

Putting it to the test: 

Did the iGino One give me an orgasm? Yes it did. I took iGino One into the bedroom and stripped myself free of all clothing. I laid myself back on the bed and turned the product on. Like I mentioned previously, this is not a quiet product, however, it is no louder than say, your average personal massaging wand device. I tried it out first without putting the skinTouch head attachment on it. It felt good, but then I decided I should use the attachment since it was there. I found that the attachment did help lessen the intensity of the vibrations while giving it a softer touch. I let myself just relax as the vibrations worked their magic. Slowly but surely, the orgasm began to climb until finally the release was mine. It gave me a very strong and pleasurable orgasm. 

The iGino One is an interesting new product trying to immerse into the market. It has a very unique design that ditches the phallic concept and is discreet and easily carried around. The USB charging function allows for it to be easily charged anywhere you go. Its only downfall, in my opinion, is the not so discreet amount of noise it makes and the one mode for intensity of vibration. 

If you think you might want to join in on the iGino One movement and be one of the first to own this product, please visit their site. You can also visit them on Facebook and twitter

© At Longings End 


lost

April 22, 2013

You know when you keep pushing yourself forward, putting that smile on your face, ignoring all the things that bother you because on the grand scheme of things, they really are insignificant? Only, after so much time of pretending that if you don’t see it it’s not there, it finally all comes crashing down on you? To say I am fragile right now is an understatement. I’m past the point of fragile and just plain broken. I have become my own worst fear. I have become that person that thinks so low of themselves and has absolutely no self esteem. Intelligent? No. Sexy? oh fuck no. Purpose in life? No. Career? No. Everything that defines me has been slowly pushed to the side with each move we’ve made.

A decision has been made. We can now view Switzerland as our home. Mostly because there is no where else for us to go right now. So as far as we are concerned, this place can be our forever home. I’m not sure we want it to be as such, but it can be. How does this make me feel? Well, it’s complicated. Logically, this move has been very good for us. I mean very good for us. Especially from a financial standpoint. Sylvanus and I used to struggle with money every day. Back in the states, we barely made enough to cover our living expenses, plus our debts. When I lost my job and was living off of unemployment, it made things even harder. We depended on those checks and when things got delayed, life got tough. Collection phone calls became the ignored blinking light of the answering machine. Moving here, however, turned everything around and today, except for my car back in the states, I am absolutely debt free and by the end of the year, Sylvanus should be too.

We love living in Europe. We love the traveling we get to do. Being paid on a Swiss salary and traveling the world in other currencies, has been beneficial. I may not like where I live so much, but I genuinely like living in Europe.

Now that we know our lives’ paths, we can start making the steps to a better life here. Many things will change. We can move to a better location. I can get a car. We can sell my car back in the states. We can clear out our storage unit back in the states and decide what will come here and what we will get rid of. I can get myself a german tutor and dive deeper into this complicated language. We can get tv service. I can look into my career again, once I’ve mastered german. All of this is well and good, but lord knows the journey will not be an easy one. I don’t view this place as a home, but once I start making the effort and things start changing, perhaps it will slowly become home. This move has been a strain on our marriage. It’s not easy to have to depend on my husband for the simplest of things simply because I can’t ask for them myself and it’s not been pleasing to him either. There are many stresses that have come, are here, and are yet to come.

Read the rest of this entry »


Plunging

April 21, 2013

The Edge… there is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over.
-Hunter S. Thompson

This post is a good-bye. Not necessarily forever, but I’m not planning on returning. There was a point where I was going to offer an explanation, talk about the moments where I realized that I didn’t want to do this any more, and how I became so disaffected with the sex blogging community. I even had the three main inciting incidents lined up, the paragraphs written neatly in my head. 

But then I decided that would accomplish nothing good, and most likely quite a bit that is bad. 

So my reasons remain my own. You will just have to live without an explanation of how this poisonous well of contempt built up in me, but know that I don’t want to go on in a world where I hold those around me in a lower regard than myself – It makes me something I very much dislike being. Since I can’t seem to change how I feel, it is time to remove myself. In truth, this is already pretty much done, the only difference is that I am now admitting it.

We’ll see what I do with Twitter. Most likely, I think I can dispose of that as well, and not be missed. But one step at a time. It’s been six years here, and nine years that I have been blogging. It is time to put my childish things away.

So long, and be amazing.

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